Close Up
"Depending on whether the single
person has done some grieving around
having children or not having a part-
ner, it may push some buttons. If they
are still really troubled by it, that's
going to create unhappiness on their
part," she said.
Psychologically, there are additional
challenges, "but it's not easy to be
married in a two-parent family,
either," Yellin said.
Lawrence was 38 and uninvolved
when she decided to adopt. At the
time, she was living in Los Angeles
and working as a paralegal.
"I wasn't real successful at relation-
ships," she admitted.
"For me, this was
the best thing I
could have done. It's
either you wait and
wait and wait or you
do it."
Nancy Evanson's
professional life left
little room for a
long-term relation-
ship and she never
clicked with the men
she dated.
A senior vice
president of sales at
IBM, she was also in
her late 30s when
she decided to take
the plunge.
"You realize you
don't want to live
without children," Evanson said,
adding that while she loves her job,
she didn't want it to consume her life.
Unlike Lawrence, Evanson, 45,
never considered artificial insemina-
tion or any other method of impreg-
nation. Adoption was an option she
considered for a long time.
So when she finally got word to
come to Paraguay to pick up her
infant, she did it without the least bit
of trepidation. After waiting in a hotel
room alone until she was to appear in
court and then for another week get-
ting adjusted, she brought her son
back to her home in Connecticut. It
was just the two of them for another
three weeks before Evanson returned
to work.
That was just over seven years ago.
Benjamin, an intense, bright boy, is in
the first grade at Cranbrook. Evanson
adopted her second son nearly three
years ago from Vietnam, also when he
was an infant. Daniel's favorite role:
teasing his big brother.
Both boys were circumcised with a
rabbi present and both were convert-
10/10
1997
62
ed. The family belongs to Temple Kol
Ami, where Benjamin attends Hebrew
school, Daniel and his mom attend
family school, and everybody goes to
Shabbat services.
Although Evanson was raised
Conservative, Kol Ami offered a lot of
family activities, and Rabbi Norman
Roman, she said, was extremely sensi-
tive to her situation. He even offered
to find her a bris certificate for single
parents.
Both Lawrence and Evanson find
that the reaction of strangers to their
decision has been as positive, by and
large.
Above:
Daniel and
Benjamin
Evanson with
their mom,
Nancy.
Right: Sophie
and Jemmis
Lawrence:
Meant to be
together.
"I find that.people treat me like I've
done a wonderful thing," Evanson
said. "But it doesn't deserve accolades.
I mean, who rescued whom here?"
Lawrence has been cold-shouldered
by older women who seem to object
to the absence of a father in the house.
But the experience is rare. It was her
going to adopt, her mother's response
friends, albeit for different reasons,
_ was, "Thank God, we thought it
who tried to dissuade her from adopt-
would never happen," she recalled.
ing. They warned her that China was
Her parents epitomize the doting
"too much of an unknown," and she
grandparents, she said. A live-in
was swayed.
nanny, who is herself in the process of
"I felt compelled to listen to every-
adopting a child from Vietnam, has
body," she recalled, explaining that she
provided another extended family for
delayed the adoption for a few months
Benjamin and Daniel. On Father's
to examine her feelings more closely.
Day, Evanson laughed, Benjamin
Lawrence considered artificial
addressed his card to the nanny.
insemination, but the cost was too
But he's never asked about a father.
high. Plus, she had had two back surg-
"It really isn't an issue with him,"
eries and had never been pregnant, so
Evanson said. And while she is trying
it would have been a crapshoot.
to strike a better balance between he
And after she dropped the idea of
professional and personal life, she
adopting domes-
finds that most men her age would
tically — a
rather be dating someone younger and
process that, to
less encumbered.
her,--warfar more
But neither Evanson nor Lawrence
daunting than
feels a void in their lives. It was only
going overseas — when Evanson was deciding to which
the foreign adop- school to send Benjamin that she felt
tion took a year
the absence of a partner.
and about
"There are a lot of people to
$15,000.
bounce things off of, but they don't
Her mother
love my kids," she said.
accepted her
Lawrence, who joined Temple Beth
choice from the
El last year and plans to send Sophie
beginning, but
there, would welcome a life partner
her father was
but said it isn't an all-consuming
less convinced.
desire:
"He was
"I'd like to share my life with some-
much more ner-
body, not because I need somebody to
vous about how I help raise a child," she said. "There
would do,"
was also pain in my decision [to
Lawrence said,
adopt] — 'I'm going to be a mom; I
may not be a wife.'"
When Sophie was ill
last year, Lawrence took
off a month from work.
Friends from Families
With Children From
China, of which she is
board member, offered to
babysit. Her parents also
pitched in. Those are a
few of the adjustments
she's had to make as a
single parent.
Both she, 'Evanson
and two other single
Jewish women are part of
Stars of David, a suppo
and educational associa-
tion for Jewish adoptive
parents. Evanson said the
group has helped her
learn how children react
adding that her parents knew when
to their status as adoptees at various
they gave their blessing that they
stages of their lives.
would be an integral part of raising
"You forget that down the road, the
the child.
child's going to have to deal with these
Evanson's parents and.sister, all out
issues. You get so wrapped up in your
of state, were thrilled by her decision.
own jubilation," she said.
When she told them she was finally
For Lawrence, it is about learning