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REI GLASS
Goof-Proof Guide
To Keeping The Peace
(248) 540-5550
emember Ernie K-Doe's
No. 1 hit record from the
'60s with its deep bass
refrain, "Mother-in-Law"?
The song chanted the ultimate
mother-in-law ridicule: "the word is
poison, I know ..." for she was "sent
from down below. ..."
Today,- 36 years later, the public
persona of mothers-in-law remains
somewhere between used car sales-
men and bottom fish. At worst they
are pushy, prying, meddling mon-
sters. At best they stay on their own
turf and have a life. No wonder new-
lyweds are leery.
Could it be, gasp, that mothers-in-
law deserve their reputation? Surely
not in this day of mother-in-law-pro-
vided day-care, mother-in-law loan
services and mother-in-law shoulders
to cry on as young couples attempt
to do it all.
While the good ones are golden,
mothers-in-law in disfavor have
nothing to gain and everything to
lose in their relationship with their
sons or daughters, to say nothing of
missed hugs and kisses from grand-
children.
Or consider the most sobering
reason to get along with your daugh-
ter-in-law proposed by Camille
Russo, author of How to be the
Perfect Mother in Law (Andrews and
McMeel), "Your daughter-in-law
probably will have the final say on
which nursing home you go to."
Didn't think of that, did you?
How then can mothers-in-law
beat the stereotype to become appre-
ciated, even loved and cherished?
"Duct tape," says Southern
California therapist Vicki Scrimger.
"Get 3-inch duct tape and put it
across your mouth. That's the image
I call up when I'm tempted to open
my big mouth," attests the mother of
two adult sons, one who is in a four-
year relationship.
Smart mothers-in-law have known
this for years. Hence, the widely
touted mantra describing her part in
the wedding ceremony: "Keep your
mouth shut and wear beige."
Short of becoming statues, what
can mothers-in-law do to build a lov-
ing bond?
"Begin with a caveat," adds
Scrimger. "Say, 'I sometimes may be
out of line or say the wrong thing
-
-
Meredith Grenier writes for Copley
News Service.
10/3
1997
130
and you can always tell me if I'm
overstepping my bounds and I will
accept that."
Then, should the daughter-in-law
ever point out a shortcoming, even if
you don't think you are wrong, you
should apologize. "Always err on the
side of keeping the peace. Since we
were 2 years old our egos want to
defend ourselves, and defending our-
selves starts wars," says Scrimger.
"The mother-in-law's role is like a
back-seat driver. Even if you know
better, it's best to keep quiet. This is
a hard position, especially for
assertive women and women who are
very direct."
Why must the mother-in-law go
through all this mumbo-jumbo and
feel like she has a sock in her mouth?
"Because assuming this role is not
something you do. It's something
that happens to you, like cellulite,"
says Russo. Most people aren't pre-
pared for it genetically in the same
way they ease into the roles of
daughters or sons, husbands or
wives, parents and grandparents.
"The problem begins when we
think of the in-law child as an exten-
sion of our own child, like we have
another kid. But they are not exten-
sions. They want to be treated as
individuals," says Russo.
"They know everything about us
but if you ask them one question
they are all upset. You have to treat
them the way you treat your friends.
Don't ask them personal questions.
Treat them as though they have your
kid hostage," adds Russo, a New
York City therapist.
Other experts point to a sense of
humor as the secret to getting in-law
relationships past the rough spots.
"The mothers-in-law that get
themselves in the most hot water are
the ones who take themselves too
seriously - those who get upset if
1
their advice isn't taken, they don't get
invited over every week or if they
aren't well received when they call
every day," says Southern California
therapist Kathleen Mojas.
"Realize you've done your job as
mom and it is OK to let go and
enjoy your adult children instead of
continually trying to make yourself
c'
be needed," she adds. "It is just
another of life's passages, like the ter-
rible 2s or going off to school or col-
lege, but for mothers, it's hard
because separation is not easy for
anyone. It's a milestone that is really
a loss and mothers need to find a
way to deal with their own feelings
N