Health Attention! Home Owners • Builders Designers • Architects • Decorators Add Beauty & Dimension... SAVE 30%* on Mirrored Bi-Fold Closet Doors By Our Mirror Design & Installation Specialists Call Our Custom Experts at: 248353 - 5770 And Visit Our Southfield Showroom at: 22223 Telegraph Road (South of 9 Mile Road) A Clear Reflection of Quality Since 1964 Assistance for your loved one at Itome 4 Centary of Caring Visiting Nurse Association Support Services can help you or your loved one maintain an independent lifestyle at home. RN Assessment & Supervision 2 hour to 24 hour care - 7 days a week • Personal care •Medication reminders •Light housekeeping • Shopping & transportation •Nursing care • Sitting service •Wake-up phone calls Caregivers are fatly insured aad beaded. . Call (248) 967-5800 VISITING NURSE ASSOCIATION SUPPORT Joint Commission SERVICES on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations An affiliate of VNA of Southeast Michigan Is YOUR FINANCIAL HOUSE IN ORDER? To find out, call , PHASE FOUR ---: , '. -virritl- 4- : '--'.': ,,,. (248) 559-6980 . 17117 WEST , 9 MILE ROAD . • JOEL LEVI, CFP TRISH WELLMAN, CFP .. SOUTHFIELD, MI 48075 PHASE FOUR ADVISORY, REGISTERED INVESTMENT ADVISOR Securities offered through Vestax Securities Corporation, Member NASD & SIPC 1931 Georgetown, Hudson, OH 44236 • (216) 650-1660 THE CAREFREE WAY TC) CLIMB STAIRS When you're disabled, or just not able to move around as freely as you once could, stairs can be a real problem. But there is a simple answer. The powered stairway lift. Easily installed to fit curved or straight stairs. They give you back the ability to move around your own home. Folds back-gets in nobody's way. CALL OR STOP BY FOR A FREE DEMONSTRATION I love my Stairway Lift! ' 4- --- :-:.,... i MO L_______ It takes me up and and down the with the Sc Scow push of a but- f details! ton. Call for LARRY ARONOFF ACTON RENTAL & SALES (313) 891-6500 MEREDITH GRENIER Special To The _Jewish News R For Your Free Estimate or Consultation REI GLASS Goof-Proof Guide To Keeping The Peace (248) 540-5550 emember Ernie K-Doe's No. 1 hit record from the '60s with its deep bass refrain, "Mother-in-Law"? The song chanted the ultimate mother-in-law ridicule: "the word is poison, I know ..." for she was "sent from down below. ..." Today,- 36 years later, the public persona of mothers-in-law remains somewhere between used car sales- men and bottom fish. At worst they are pushy, prying, meddling mon- sters. At best they stay on their own turf and have a life. No wonder new- lyweds are leery. Could it be, gasp, that mothers-in- law deserve their reputation? Surely not in this day of mother-in-law-pro- vided day-care, mother-in-law loan services and mother-in-law shoulders to cry on as young couples attempt to do it all. While the good ones are golden, mothers-in-law in disfavor have nothing to gain and everything to lose in their relationship with their sons or daughters, to say nothing of missed hugs and kisses from grand- children. Or consider the most sobering reason to get along with your daugh- ter-in-law proposed by Camille Russo, author of How to be the Perfect Mother in Law (Andrews and McMeel), "Your daughter-in-law probably will have the final say on which nursing home you go to." Didn't think of that, did you? How then can mothers-in-law beat the stereotype to become appre- ciated, even loved and cherished? "Duct tape," says Southern California therapist Vicki Scrimger. "Get 3-inch duct tape and put it across your mouth. That's the image I call up when I'm tempted to open my big mouth," attests the mother of two adult sons, one who is in a four- year relationship. Smart mothers-in-law have known this for years. Hence, the widely touted mantra describing her part in the wedding ceremony: "Keep your mouth shut and wear beige." Short of becoming statues, what can mothers-in-law do to build a lov- ing bond? "Begin with a caveat," adds Scrimger. "Say, 'I sometimes may be out of line or say the wrong thing - - Meredith Grenier writes for Copley News Service. 10/3 1997 130 and you can always tell me if I'm overstepping my bounds and I will accept that." Then, should the daughter-in-law ever point out a shortcoming, even if you don't think you are wrong, you should apologize. "Always err on the side of keeping the peace. Since we were 2 years old our egos want to defend ourselves, and defending our- selves starts wars," says Scrimger. "The mother-in-law's role is like a back-seat driver. Even if you know better, it's best to keep quiet. This is a hard position, especially for assertive women and women who are very direct." Why must the mother-in-law go through all this mumbo-jumbo and feel like she has a sock in her mouth? "Because assuming this role is not something you do. It's something that happens to you, like cellulite," says Russo. Most people aren't pre- pared for it genetically in the same way they ease into the roles of daughters or sons, husbands or wives, parents and grandparents. "The problem begins when we think of the in-law child as an exten- sion of our own child, like we have another kid. But they are not exten- sions. They want to be treated as individuals," says Russo. "They know everything about us but if you ask them one question they are all upset. You have to treat them the way you treat your friends. Don't ask them personal questions. Treat them as though they have your kid hostage," adds Russo, a New York City therapist. Other experts point to a sense of humor as the secret to getting in-law relationships past the rough spots. "The mothers-in-law that get themselves in the most hot water are the ones who take themselves too seriously - those who get upset if 1 their advice isn't taken, they don't get invited over every week or if they aren't well received when they call every day," says Southern California therapist Kathleen Mojas. "Realize you've done your job as mom and it is OK to let go and enjoy your adult children instead of continually trying to make yourself c' be needed," she adds. "It is just another of life's passages, like the ter- rible 2s or going off to school or col- lege, but for mothers, it's hard because separation is not easy for anyone. It's a milestone that is really a loss and mothers need to find a way to deal with their own feelings N