Out Of The Mouths
Of Babes:
values I'd tried hard to instill in my children would be hampere
by our new, single-parent family status. Then one day my da
ter, in reference to a neighbor, said, 'Mommy, I want to go out and
play with Brianna because she's my best friend.' I jokingly said, 'I
thought I was your best friend.' Then she told me, 'Oh no, Mom- ,
my. You're much more than a friend. I love you and my family
more than anything in this world.' I was so relieved to realize my
past and continuing efforts are not in vain."
— Liz of Oak Park
THE APPLETREE
"My daughter Eryn asked me if she could have
some chocolate ice cream as a treat. This was about
an hour or so after we had eaten some chicken for
lunch. I reminded her that we had not long finished eat-
ing meat and she would have to wait a little longer. Bryn
replied, 'Oh no, haven't the fleishigs
gone away by now?"'
— Sarita Fox of Oak Park
"My 4-year-old son Adam and I recently were in one of our
many bedtime power struggles when I heard those typical three
words, 'I hate you!' We of course kissed, hugged and made up.
After snuggling with him in his bed, I said, 'Good night, Adam. I
love you!' He was silent. I asked, 'Do you still hate me?' and he
said, 'Sometimes I love you, and sometimes I hate you, but I al-
ways like you the best!"
ulie Russell o Southfielci
As If!
CHICK MOORMAN SPECIAL TO THE APPLETREE
can't do it."
"I don't get it."
"I can't."
As parents, we hear "I
can't" language all too often.
It may occur as our children
struggle with a homework as-
signment of long division. It
could take place as they at-
tempt to master a new Nin-
tendo game. Or, it might be
uttered as they work at read-
ing directions to a recipe or
model airplane.
Whenever it occurs, this
language signals an "I can't"
stance toward learning and
achieving. Often accompa-
nied by a whiny tone, the "I
can't" words are connected to
"I can't" thinking, "I can't" be-
lieving and "I can't" behavior.
How do you respond as a
parent when one of your chil-
dren looks up from his study
table and verbalizes some ver-
sion of "I can't do it"? What
do you say?
If you're like many parents,
you reply, "Sure you can.
Come on, try." Parents be-
lieve that if children would
just try, they would eventually
prove to themselves that they
can.
"Sure you can," sounds like
helpful parent talk. It is not,
because most often it doesn't
work. Typically, children re-
spond to our efforts to get
them to try with, "But I am
trying," or "I tried already."
What children and parents
don't realize is that trying
doesn't work. Only doing
works, and anyone busy try-
ing isn't busy doing. "Trying"
often is an excuse for giving
up.
The next time one of your
children communicates a ren-
dition of "I can't," smile, look
her in the eyes, speak from
the heart and say, "Act as if."
Variations of this language
technique follOw.
"Billy, act as if you can."
Chick Moorman
"Mary, I want you to act as
if you already know how to
do this."
"Just act as if you've done
this before, David."
After you have delivered
your new parent talk, step
back and go to another room.
Watch from a distance as your
child begins doing. I predict
you'll be pleasantly surprised.
"Act as if" won't work every
time with every child, but it
could just be the three most
important words you add to
your parent-talk repertoire
this year.
With young children, "pre-
tend" or "play like you can"
works well. "How would you
do this if you did know" s an
effective alternative with old-
er boys and girls.
Sometimes you say
"act as if' and your child
starts doing the task in-
correctly. Not to worry.
You can correct incor-
rect doing, whereas it's
impossible to correct
someone who is not do-
ing anything. "Act as if'
gets them doing. You
can adjust from there.
"Act as if' is more ef-
fective than "try" be-
cause trying implies
struggle, while acting "as
if' is more playful. Some
children will not "try"
because if they do not
succeed, they consider
themselves a failure. If they
"pretend" or "act as if," no stig-
ma or failure is attached.
Not sure "act is if" will
work with your children?
Not sure you can use it effec-
tively? Why not act as if you
can? ❑
Chick Moorman is author of a regular column, Parent Tallg and director of the Saginaw-based In-
stitute for Personal Power; a consulting firm that offers programs for teachers and parents. He
also is the author of Where the Heart Is: Stories of Home and Family. You may contact him at 800-
7974133.