Out Of The Mouths Of Babes: values I'd tried hard to instill in my children would be hampere by our new, single-parent family status. Then one day my da ter, in reference to a neighbor, said, 'Mommy, I want to go out and play with Brianna because she's my best friend.' I jokingly said, 'I thought I was your best friend.' Then she told me, 'Oh no, Mom- , my. You're much more than a friend. I love you and my family more than anything in this world.' I was so relieved to realize my past and continuing efforts are not in vain." — Liz of Oak Park THE APPLETREE "My daughter Eryn asked me if she could have some chocolate ice cream as a treat. This was about an hour or so after we had eaten some chicken for lunch. I reminded her that we had not long finished eat- ing meat and she would have to wait a little longer. Bryn replied, 'Oh no, haven't the fleishigs gone away by now?"' — Sarita Fox of Oak Park "My 4-year-old son Adam and I recently were in one of our many bedtime power struggles when I heard those typical three words, 'I hate you!' We of course kissed, hugged and made up. After snuggling with him in his bed, I said, 'Good night, Adam. I love you!' He was silent. I asked, 'Do you still hate me?' and he said, 'Sometimes I love you, and sometimes I hate you, but I al- ways like you the best!" ulie Russell o Southfielci As If! CHICK MOORMAN SPECIAL TO THE APPLETREE can't do it." "I don't get it." "I can't." As parents, we hear "I can't" language all too often. It may occur as our children struggle with a homework as- signment of long division. It could take place as they at- tempt to master a new Nin- tendo game. Or, it might be uttered as they work at read- ing directions to a recipe or model airplane. Whenever it occurs, this language signals an "I can't" stance toward learning and achieving. Often accompa- nied by a whiny tone, the "I can't" words are connected to "I can't" thinking, "I can't" be- lieving and "I can't" behavior. How do you respond as a parent when one of your chil- dren looks up from his study table and verbalizes some ver- sion of "I can't do it"? What do you say? If you're like many parents, you reply, "Sure you can. Come on, try." Parents be- lieve that if children would just try, they would eventually prove to themselves that they can. "Sure you can," sounds like helpful parent talk. It is not, because most often it doesn't work. Typically, children re- spond to our efforts to get them to try with, "But I am trying," or "I tried already." What children and parents don't realize is that trying doesn't work. Only doing works, and anyone busy try- ing isn't busy doing. "Trying" often is an excuse for giving up. The next time one of your children communicates a ren- dition of "I can't," smile, look her in the eyes, speak from the heart and say, "Act as if." Variations of this language technique follOw. "Billy, act as if you can." Chick Moorman "Mary, I want you to act as if you already know how to do this." "Just act as if you've done this before, David." After you have delivered your new parent talk, step back and go to another room. Watch from a distance as your child begins doing. I predict you'll be pleasantly surprised. "Act as if" won't work every time with every child, but it could just be the three most important words you add to your parent-talk repertoire this year. With young children, "pre- tend" or "play like you can" works well. "How would you do this if you did know" s an effective alternative with old- er boys and girls. Sometimes you say "act as if' and your child starts doing the task in- correctly. Not to worry. You can correct incor- rect doing, whereas it's impossible to correct someone who is not do- ing anything. "Act as if' gets them doing. You can adjust from there. "Act as if' is more ef- fective than "try" be- cause trying implies struggle, while acting "as if' is more playful. Some children will not "try" because if they do not succeed, they consider themselves a failure. If they "pretend" or "act as if," no stig- ma or failure is attached. Not sure "act is if" will work with your children? Not sure you can use it effec- tively? Why not act as if you can? ❑ Chick Moorman is author of a regular column, Parent Tallg and director of the Saginaw-based In- stitute for Personal Power; a consulting firm that offers programs for teachers and parents. He also is the author of Where the Heart Is: Stories of Home and Family. You may contact him at 800- 7974133.