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Mothers, Daughters
Taking On New Roles
RUTH LITTMANN STAFF WRITER
T
he troubled state of Eng-
land's royal family has
cast a shadow on the
queen. Her falling popu-
larity indicates just how impor-
tant the world considers the role
of mother. It's vital, says clini-
cal psychologist Judith Kovach.
And complex.
On Tuesday, Feb. 27, Ms. Ko-
vach, of Southfield, spoke to a
group of 169 mothers and
daughters who gathered for din-
ner at Congregation B'nai
Moshe in West Bloomfield.
The event, chaired by Dr.
Roberta Toll and Cherie Selis
(and sponsored by the Business
and Professional Women's Di-
vision of the Jewish Federation
of Metropolitan Detroit), served
an important purpose, said B&P
chair Dorie Shwedel.
„
`perfect' doesn't exist. But as a
mother, I want desperately to do
it right."
Ms. Kovach went on to ex-
plain that mothers and daugh-
ters of the 1990s are grappling
with increasingly difficult roles.
For generations, a mother's suc-
cess and sense of accomplish-
ment hinged on how aptly a
daughter followed in her foot-
steps — how well she cooked,
cleaned and reared babies.
"Daughters tended to accept
their mother's world," she said.
But, quoting a recent poll, Ms.
Kovach described how times
have changed. A majority of
women surveyed said they
feared being like their mothers.
The new term for that condition
is "matriphobia," according to
Ms. Kovach.
Atkirkg.
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Event chairs Cherie Selis and Dr. Roberta Toll stand beside speaker Judith Kovach.
"I think the mother/daughter
relationship is one of the most
central issues in our lives. We
all have a mother. Many of us
have daughters," she said. "I
think this event was an oppor-
tunity to open up lines of com-
munication."
Ms. Kovach, before her
speech, conversed candidly with
women sitting around her din-
ner table.
"We asked each other, 'What
were the messages we got from
our mothers?' The overall an-
swer was, 'You don't want to
know,' " she told the crowd lat-
er that night.
The audience laughed, and
Ms. Kovach, also amused, nev-
ertheless stressed the impor-
tance of daughters coming to
terms with their mother's im-
perfections. Mothers, them-
selves, must embrace the
concept of being only human,
she said.
"So many of us want to be the
mother in the baby food ad. As
a social scientist, I know that
The key to maintaining self-
esteem in this new era of moth-
erhood is "remaining connected
without surrendering your self.
"Mothers have often sacrificed
so much of their own develop-
ment for the sake of their chil-
dren; then they're resentful
when that sacrifice is not ac-
knowledged," she said.
The resentment often peaks
when a daughter pulls away and
gains independence — in many
instances through a career, mar-
riage or having a child of her
own. The separation generally
coincides with a mother's mid-
life crisis, which further com-
plicates matters.
"We must prepare ourselves
for new roles," Ms. Kovach told
the mothers in the crowd. "As
mothers, we can only let go of
this power (over our daughters)
if we feel a strong sense of self."
When a mother doesn't have
a "self' to which to return, she
often becomes over-involved in
her children's lives, Ms. Kovach
added.