"If people think it (dif-
ferent heritages) won't be
a problem, they're not be-
ing fair to themselves.
That's not to say it can't
work though," Dr. Carol
Weisfeld said.
Dr. Carol Weisfeld was
born and raised Catholic.
She converted to Judaism
12 years ago.
"It just felt right," Ms.
Weisfeld said. "We knew
the combination of two re-
ligious traditions could be
tough. We were prepared
to deal with it.
"I think it helps for peo-
ple to know what to ex-
pect."
The Weisfelds believe
finding other like couples
can help a potentially dif-
ficult situation. For exam-
ple, a black woman and a
white man might find as-
sociating with other inter-
racial couples brings both
support and answers for Carol Rhodes : Know what you're up against
adjustment.
one child.
In theory, opposites might at-
"Children usually have a neg-
tract.
ative effect on satisfaction," Dr.
But in practical life, the We-
Carol Weisfeld said.
isfelds and British researchers
Although many adults will
have found most happy couples
say their children are the joy of
have chosen partners that are
their lives, the young ones don't
much like themselves.
do a lot for a marriage.
Results from the British data
Research, by the Weisfelds
have shown that, like animals,
and others, shows a honeymoon
humans choose mates that look
effect on a married couple lasts
like themselves. In general, peo-
about two years following nup-
ple fancy others of a similar eth-
tials, then tapers off Men tend
nic and religious background.
But they also pick mates with
similar eye and hair color —
and often, without knowing it,
blood type.
Another teller of satisfaction
is the matching of attractive-
ness, intelligence and decision
making, with some small dif-
ferences. For instance, couples
in general seem to like the
woman to be slightly more at-
tractive, the man a bit more in-
telligent, capable of making
Carol Rhodes
good decisions.
"These are all just percep-
tions, not necessarily truth," Dr.
to lose interest. Women become
Carol Weisfeld cautioned.
restless. Nursing, child-proof-
The one most striking way
ing and economic burdens
Americans and their British
makes stressful what should be
counterparts seem to differ is in
the happiest time of a couple's
the importance of money in a
life. The addition of each child
relationship. In Great Britain,
drops levels of satisfaction. The
a woman earning a higher
teen years are the least satisfy-
salary than her spouse was not
ing for parents of both sexes.
an issue. British families are
However, as children leave
less materialistic, saying they
the house, contentment levels
find happiness in spending time
rise again.
together, planting flowers in the
"If you can stick it out, you
garden and enjoying a good cup
can later invigorate the love and
of tea.
commitment," Dr. Carol Weis-
The Weisfelds look forward
feld said. "But, our studies
to the Turkish and Chinese re-
show, marriage is better,
sponses, too. Turkey is a Mus-
healthier for a man than it is for
lim country with an older
a woman."
generation which was brought
up with arranged marriages.
Understanding Differences
Chinese couples, with zero pop-
Carol Rhodes believes
ulation growth a government
women need to know what
goal, are only allowed to have
"When we're
in an intimate
relationship, we
want this person
to think like us."
they're up against.
differences, the therapists
She and her husband,
claim. Baby girls look at faces
Norm Goldner, have at-
longer. Baby boys give more at-
tempted to address such is-
tention to objects. Girls play face
sues in their recently
to face. Boys sit side by side.
published book Why
Again, put these differences
Women and Men Don't Get
together in an adult scenario
Along! A guidebook for
and someone is bound to feel
women frustrated by men's
hurt or misunderstood.
behavior.
Women want to express
"Everything we're talk-
themselves. Men want to get to
ing about, they're averages;
the point.
they're generalizations. But
they're mostly true. These
Practical solutions
are gender issues causing
"You have to want to look for
differences. There are the
answers, not just pose prob-
genetic discrepancies of
lems," Dr. Goldner said.
height, genitalia and sen-
For the couple approaching
sory sensitivity. But men
Dr. Goldner or Dr. Rhodes, cre-
and women are different
ation of scenarios is often the
culturally, too. And when
first step toward greater satis-
we interact, we know we
faction. The therapists pose a
are different," Dr. Rhodes
situation, developed out of what
said.
the clients have voiced, and
"However, when we're in
then explain the dynamics and
an intimate relationship,
feelings at work.
we want this person to be
The woman may need to give
like us. It doesn't matter
her mate an agenda — what
that this man or woman
she wants to discuss. She needs
thinks differently than we
to be more specific. It jives bet-
do. Knowing and understand-
ter with how his mind works.
ing such dif-
ferences is so
important to
relation-
ships."
Alone and
as a team,
Dr. Rhodes
and Dr. Gold-
ner work
with couples
using gender-
sensitive, no-
fault therapy.
The empha-
sis of this
type of work
is to move
away from
guilt and
blame and
understand
the true dy-
namics of the
relationship
and the gen-
ders.
Why Women and M
Men Don't Get Along is the couple's latest effort
"If being
right makes one person feel bet-
Alternately, the man has a
ter, then the other feels worse.
responsibility to listen, and to
What kind of relationship do
ask how he can support his
you have when there is a win-
partner — does she want a so-
ner and a loser? It's a useless
lution or suggestion? Or mere-
game,' Dr. Goldner said.
ly the opportunity to vent?
Dr. Rhodes and Dr. Goldner
Women need to quit nagging.
say women are more relation-
If they have a complaint, voice
ship oriented, and create their
it. If it is ignored, take action.
identities through their various
Engage each other in activities
liaisons. Men identify them-
and processes which are valued.
selves through work. There the
Teach each other gender differ-
struggle begins.
ences.
Other difficulties include de-
"It's called gender conceit.
finition.
Men don't understand why
For example, the woman
women aren't ready for sex in
claims the two never spend time
seven seconds," Dr. Goldner
together. The man answers,
said. "'The feeling arises from,
"We were together at the Lions
don't understand what's wrong
game last weekend." Their
with you.' The answer is, 'I'm
ideas of what "together" means
different."
differ greatly.
Such practices need to be
These are not just socialized
learned for they are not natur-
al to either sex, both doctors
said. And both the man and
woman need to understand the
limitations of each other.
"If you (a woman) want a best
friend to spend football Sunday
shopping with, marry a
woman," Dr. Rhodes said.
However, there is hope
ahead.
Their book, which was creat-
ed for women, is being read by
a lot of men — a sign that both
sexes are taking responsibility
in the success of their relation-
ships.
"We can't change the other
person. We have a hard enough
time dealing with ourselves,"
Dr. Rhodes said.
Dr. Goldner added, "Respect
who the other person is, make
changes in yourself, and direct
the relationship to the place you
both want to go. Have respect
and make adaptations. Corn-
promise only makes both peo-
ple feel compromised. Instead,
find a mutually agreeable goal
and work toward it." ❑
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