AN END TO THE
Wondering
realized that birth mothers
could grieve for the loss of a
child.
She also came to under-
stand that a reunion would
not likely challenge her
relationship with her
daughter.
It didn't take too long for
Paula's newly gained in-
sight to be tested. In an
unusual twist of events,
Laura's birth mother, who is
Jewish, found her. How was
Paula going to handle it?
What would she say to the
woman?
Paula and Laura both
spoke to the birth mother on
the telephone. Laura decid-
ed she wanted to fly alone to
Florida to meet the woman
who had given birth to her
— a meeting that was awash
in a flood of tears, questions
and answers.
That encounter took place
six years ago. Mrs. Weinberg
believes her daughter's reu-
aula Weinberg knew
her adopted daughter
Laura wanted to find
her birth mother. It was
only a matter of time.
Though Paula felt she had
always leveled with Laura
and told her as much as she
knew about the young
woman's biological past,
Laura was "acting out" as a
teenager — normally a
rebellious time, but inten-
sified by her wondering
state of mind.
The 46-year-old Birm-
ingham woman knew she
had to be prepared to handle
a search and reunion.
"Intellectually you can
say, sure, that's good; we'll
help you," she says. "But the
fears that you've been
babysitting for 18 years
come to the surface, that
somebody else is going to be
more appealing and be the
real mother.
"You know that out there,
somewhere, is another
woman who has the right to
say she's the child's mother!"
The possibility that an
adopted child might seek
out his birth parents is a
scary specter for the adop-
tive parents. They fear they
will lose the child they have
raised, nurtured, molded
and whom they love. And as
the stigma placed on search
and reunion continues to
decline, it's a possiblity
more adoptive parents may
have to face.
Mrs. Weinberg decided she
needed to understand her
daughter's desire to search
and how it might affect their
relationship. She joined the
Detroit chapter of the Adop-
tion Identity Movement, a
search and reunion organi-
zation where she met birth
mothers, adoptees and a
handful of adoptive parents,
the three groups — called
the triad — most directly af-
fected by a search and
reunion.
The experience was eye-
opening. She had never
P
Photo by Gle nn Tr
U)
Cheryl Servetter: "I don't
want another mother. I'm
trying to find myself."
reasons, but that is rare.
More often than not, the up-
bringing and environment
play a much more signifi-
cant role in the adoptee's at-
titude on religious
affiliation.
New York-based author
B.J. Lifton, a Jewish adoptee
herself born to a Jewish
birth mother, says her
research indicates most
pepole do maintain their
adopted cultural identity
after completing a search.
She says, however, that a
subtle difference exists bet-
ween a Jew by birth and one
who is adopted. It's a ques-
tion of choice.
"If you're born a Jew and
disassociate, existentially,
you are still a Jew," she
maintains. "An adoptee
chooses psychologically to
be a Jew."
Rene Vander Eyck, 43, of
Rochester Hills made the
choice to identify as a gen-
tile. She was born Catholic,
adopted as an infant and
raised in a Jewish home.
While growing up, she felt
she was the object of conflic-
ting attitudes from her ex-
tended family members.
From her perspective, some
accepted her; some did not.
Little or no importance
was attached to her develop-
ing a Jewish identity,
though she attended ser-
vices and other Jewish func-
tions with her immediate
family. While she tried to
assimilate the religion and
culture, she says she always
felt out of place —
disconnected.
"To me, Judaism was
ethnic, not a religion. I
never connected to it
ethnically or socially. I felt
that way because I wasn't
born into the heritage. It
was just one more element
of the Tam-different' feeling
adoptees have."
In contrast, Jeff, 29, feels
very Jewish. He also was
born gentile and raised
Jewish. He asked that his
last name not be used
because he has just com-
pleted his search and reu-
nion; the subject is a tender
one for his adoptive parents.
He also didn't want to
upset his parents by sear-
ching, but felt compelled to
get answers to some burn-
ing questions, one in
particular.
"I had to know why
anyone would give away a
child," he says.
What Jeff found was a
family too large, too fragile
and too emotionally and
financially overburdened to
care for another child at the
time of his adoption.
Jeff is now in the process
of acquainting himself with
his biological kin, balancing
that with his adoptive fami-
ly's emotional needs.
The search did initially
cause some turmoil within
his adoptive family, but Jeff
believes the process has
brought all of them closer
together. The love and sup-
port he has received from
them during his search and
over the years have only
served to reinforce his
feelings.
"I knew my birth mother
wasn't Jewish, but I never
questioned being Jewish,"
he says. "I went to Hebrew
school and had a bar mitz-
vah. My parents are my
parents. I was raised Jewish
and I am Jewish!'
Whatever the adoptee
discovers, and sometimes
the truth hurts, the consen-
sus is that it's better to
know than not know.
"In finding out, in
whatever way adoptees
assimilate that information,
they just feel more complete
for searching," Ms. Yellin
says. "It all fits for them. I
hear that time and time
again. Pieces were missing
and now they are whole!'
nion with her birth mother
was a positive experience.
"Once she knew the facts,
a whole piece of time that
she would have ordinarily
spent wondering, she didn't
have to spend anymore,"
Paula says.
"It turns out that none of
my fears of abandonment or
anything like that were
realized," Paula Weinberg
says. "And I don't think they
usually are."
— A.C.
❑
Where To. Turn
Adoption Identity Movement
P.O. Box 20092
Detroit, MI 48220
443-0666
Michigan Department of Social
Services
Office of Children and Youth
Services
Adoption Central Registry
P.O. Box 30037
300 South Capitol Avenue
Lansing, MI 48909
(517) 373-3513
Post Adoption Resources
20700 Greenfield Rd.
Suite 600
Oak Park, MI 48237
968-1700
Jewish Family Service
24123 Greenfield Rd.
Southfield, MI 48075
559-1700
❑
THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS
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