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I SINGLE LIFE
Jewish Dating
Continued from preceding page
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wrong with those "Jewish"
qualities.
(I should add here that a
number of Jewish women
similarly told me that they
don't date Jewish men,
because they "never" meet
Jewish men they like. Jewish
men are, they say, either wim-
py and nerdy or pushy and
materialistic. The elaborate
romantic fantasy of living a
simple life "in the country"
pops up among women too;
they too are striving to be
purely American, to lose their
complexities and complica-
tions, to blend into the
American landscape and be
"normal" at last.)
In synagogue one day, I
spoke with an unmarried
Jewish woman in her
mid-30s. She actively is look-
ing for a Jewish husband but
knew why Jewish men don't
want to date Jewish women:
Because Jewish women are
"controlling, domineering,
judgmental. Just read Port-
noy's Complaint that's the
truth of the matter," she told
me. "Jewish mothers are
awful, and Jewish men want
to avoid getting involved with
women like them." (Ironical-
ly, we were at a luncheon
event, surrounded by Jewish
mothers and men who love
them and by many single
Jewish men looking hard for
Jewish spouses.)
"Jewish self-hatred" — the
old anti-Semitic stereotypes
bottled for and drunk down by
Jews — is a tired phrase, but
is hard to ignore in this con-
text. Are Jews really loud,
crass, nerdy, materialistic,
domineering — or is it that
the expectations and stereo-
types of WASP culture make
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us repulsive strangers to
ourselves? I will leave that for
you to decide.
But a local psychologist,
while dismissing the
stereotype, suggested an in-
teresting twist on the notion
that Jewish men are fleeing
their mothers. In relation-
ships, she told me, people
largely respond to their pro-
jection of the other person.
Jewish men, trained to be
obedient and respectful of
their mothers, therefore may
experience Jewish women as
demanding, whereas gentile
women, for whom they don't
pack the same baggage, are
perceived as more docile and
with whom it is easier for the
insecure Jewish male to
assert himself.
From this analysis, you
might deduce then, that
many Jewish men are kind of
wimpy. But, on the other
hand, you might derive that
Jewish men are — or have the
capacity to be — nice, family-
oriented, tending toward corn-
promise, kindliness and the
cultivation of the feminine in
themselves — not cool dudes
like the Guy in the Beer
Commercial.
And what, as I said before,
is wrong with that?
Nothing, of course. The
tragedy of the Jewish single
is perhaps to be so often
mired in fantasies which
engender hostility and suspi-
cion between those men and
women, Jews, who should
most naturally be drawn to
one another in love.
❑
David Margolis is married
and lives in California. This
piece originally appeared in the
Los Angeles Jewish Journal.
Service For Singles
Is Scheduled In Flint
RICHARD PEARL
Staff Writer
A
singles Shabbat ser-
vice —believed the
first such organized
gathering of Jewish singles
in Flint since 1987 — is
scheduled for 8 p.m. Feb. 2 at
Flint's Temple Beth El.
"We haven't had a gather-
ing of singles in Flint in
about two years," said Gary
Flinn, a member of the
Reform temple's ritual
committee and organizer of
the Shabbat service. Flinn,
35, belonged to the now-
defunct Shalom group, a
combination young mar-
rieds-singles organization in
Flint which he said last met
in 1987.
Jewish singles in Saginaw
and East Lansing also have
been invited to the Feb. 2
service, in addition to the
nearly 50 never-married or
divorced singles age 45 and
under listed for Flinn by
Flint's Jewish Social Ser-
vices.
The service will be con-
ducted by Rabbi Peter K.
Gluck — who's also single —
and babysitters are
available.
Flinn said Beth Israel
president Harold Steinman
"is definitely in favor of the
singles Shabbat" and added
a similar service may be
offered at Congregation
Beth Israel, Flint's Conser-
vative synagogue, if the first
one is a success.
Flinn, who works in a
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