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76
FRIDAY, AUGUST 4, 1989
Singles Try Variety Of Ways
To Cope With 'Jewish Stress'
RICHARD PEARL
Staff Writer
H
ow do Detroit's Jew-
ish singles cope with
what might be called
"Jewish Singles Stress"?
Generally, the same as with
other forms of stress, accor-
ding to an informal survey.
Some in Detroit's Jewish
singles community say
"Jewish Singles Stress" is
really no different from the
stress felt by anyone who's
single and seeking a mar-
riage partner.
But others say it's a par-
ticular kind of stress, due to
the emphasis Judaism places
on the sanctity of the family
and the desire to maintain
and carry forward Jewish life.
"In Judaism, if you're
single, you're incomplete,"
says Robert Levy, 41, a
Southfield radio-tv advertis-
ing producer. "The message is
hammered in from
everywhere, even via the
media: you're unhappy, un-
fulfilled. 'Why am I single?
Why haven't I found my part-
ner for life?' "
Levy, who returned this
year to Detroit after living
since 1973 in California,
helped form a number of
singles groups there, trying to
help participants develop
socialization skills.
"Jewish women are much
more attuned to marriage
and family," he says. "When
they hit their 30s, they
become aware their emo-
tional and biological clocks
are running out. They're not
desperate, but they feel, 'I've
put a lot of time into meeting
eligible Jewish males, so why
haven't I met Mr. Right?' "
Parents wanting grand-
children add to the pressure
of young never-marrieds, he
says. But meeting eligible
partners is a stressful situa-
tion faced by singles of all
ages and situations, including
those divorced or widowed.
So, how do Detroit's Jewish
singles cope?
"Basically, by taking
valium and having a nice
Jewish girl come over to my
house and give me a back-
rub," jokes Southfield at-
torney Sheldon Kay, 40. Ac-
tually, he says, he uses
meditation and music — he's
a guitarist in a rock band in
the evenings wholikes to "jam
along with records" to relax.
Kay has been using medita-
tion since entering law school
in 1974. Meditation requires
him to focus and visualize
tranquil imagery, he explains.
He also has used and recom-
mends flotation tanks. Kay
has tried exercise, "but I
think it's boring."
"I have a lot of stress as a
Jewish single — I'm torn bet-
ween whether I should be
dating Jews or Gentiles. Be-
ing Jewish and assimilated, it
(the dating question) is very
confusing. I've dated a lot of
non-Jewish women with a lot
of great qualities."
Kay says he used to throw
numerous parties for his
fellow singles, but was disap-
pointed. "We got the same
faces, the same kvetches. I
want to do something more
creative if I ever get involved
again."
Visualization is a technique
also recommended by Leslie
Miller, a Southfield hyp-
notherapist who recently con-
ducted a singles stress
management workshop at the
Maple/Drake Jewish Com-
munity Center.
The bottom line, she says, is
knowing what you want.
"There are so many people
who don't know what they
want because they don't feel
they deserve it or that they
will get it." A former divorcee,
she used the focusing techni-
que — wherein the user
zeroes in on likes and dislikes
— to remarry.
For immediate stress relief
— and as a way of meeting
people — Miller recommends
shoulder-rubs. "You just go up
to interesting strangers in a
bar, for example, and say, 'Ex-
cuse me, you look stressed.
May I rub your shoulders?'
It's a good way to start a con-
versation. And when you've
finished rubbing, you say,
`Now do me!' " she says.
Keeping an open mind is a
technique used by Aaron