I OPINION I
Intermarriage
AATIVNII•
Continued from Page 7
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here after Jan. 1st. They
speak eagerly of seeing you
again."
The picture and those words
brought back memories. This
newly married couple and I
had two remarkable en-
counters with one another.
They both were attending col-
lege in New York. They met,
and though he was very deep-
ly Jewish and she was
Episcopalian, they decided to
marry. They had gone to her
minister to ask him to of-
ficiate at their wedding. That
Episcopalian priest, a friend
of mine, suggested that just as
the two of them spoke to him,
they should come and talk to
me as well, to learn a Jewish
perspective on their decision.
They told met their story,
and asked if I would be will-
ing to co-officiate with my
Episcopalian friend. I told
them that I would not, and ex-
plained to them the reasons
for my position. They listen-
ed respectfully but seemed
unconvinced. We talked for a
very long time about their
lives, their religious ex-
periences and aspirations.
They left, as I recall,
somewhat disappointed in
what they must have regard-
ed as my intransigence.
I felt, I suppose, somewhat
disheartened. Nobody likes to
diasppoint other people,
especially a lovely young cou-
ple eagerly beginning their
life together. Then just a few
weeks later, they called me
up. They were back in town
from school, and they wanted
to get together with me.
It seems that our talk had
given them the opportunity to
discuss some things more can-
didly and perhaps more
earnestly than they had in
the past. They talked about
what their real religious
values were. In the course of
those talks the bride-to-be, ex-
pressed a desire to learn more
about Jewish life. And so
when we met again, they ask-
ed me how they could begin to
explore Judaism together. I
recommended some books,
and gave them the name of a
friend of mine in New York
who could help them pursue
their religious studies.
And now all these months
later, this letter. I had said
"no" to a young couple, turn-
ed down the request that had
brought them to me in the
first place. And now my "no"
had turned into a much more
significant "yes." Because I
would not let them meet one
another half way, rather than
feeling turned down by the
Jewish community, both of
them had been caused to look
at Judaism and Jewish life
more seriously.
By officiating at this wed-
ding, I would have allowed the
groom to avoid coming to
terms with just how much his
Judaism meant to him. And
I would not have impelled the
bride to begin to think about
what it could come to mean to
her. I would have left them
gratified and contented, but
stranded in a no-man's land of
religious unclarity. I would
have complied with their
wishes, but failed them in
their deeper needs, offering
them no real engagement
with their religious values
and no challenge to explore
their deeper commitments.
So now my "no" rather than
driving a family from the
midst of Jewish life, helped
this new family plant its roots
more firmly in the soil of
Jewish life.
None of us who is offered
the opportunity, and the
responsibility, of sitting with
young couples knows with
any certainty which direction
our "no" or our "yes" might
drive that couple. Would that
it were as simple as Mr.
Frazer imagines.
There doubtless are occa-
sions when a well timed "yes"
may well draw a couple closer.
But there are occasions, as
well, in which the "no" adds
to the survival of the Jewish
people. It is our shared com-
mitment to that survival that
shapes the answer that any
rabbi will give to a young
couple.
I know many rabbis who
out of love for Jewish life, and
commitment to Jewish sur-
vival, are responsive to re-
quests to officiate at these-
weddings. But it is that same
concern for Jewish life, the
same desire for a Jewish
future, that causes others of
us to say "no" — not easily,
not happily, and I hope not
arbitrarily.
But sensitively, and with
concern for the feelings of the
couple sitting before us,
meeting with them, offering
them our time and concern —
sometimes we are compelled
to give the harder answer.
Anyone who ridicules that
position by assuming that it
is oblivious to the deeper
questions of Jewish survival
does not understand the
agonizing that every Rabbi
must go through, and does
recognize the complexity of
this most urgent of contem-
porary challenges. It is dis-
ingenuous to pretend the rab-
bis who do not officiate at in-
termarriages are indifferent
to Jewish survival.
Such words may serve
rhetorical purpose, but they
do not further the cause that
all of us share: the vibrancy
of Jewish life, for our children
and grandchildren.
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February 03, 1989 - Image 10
- Resource type:
- Text
- Publication:
- The Detroit Jewish News, 1989-02-03
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