I SINGLE LIFE
Double Entendre
Here's a lighthearted look at what
the words in personal ads
really mean
MIKE PARNOS
Special to The Jewish News
11:10 ersonal ads, companion
ads, romance ads. Who
needs a high priced dat-
ing service or high-
anxiety visits to singles
bars when you can select potential
mates in the privacy of your home?
Thanks to newspapers and
magazines, today's singles have a
relatively inexpensive forum to adver-
tise their availability, what they have
to offer to Mr. or Ms. right, the kind
of person they want to meet and what,
frankly, they'd settle for.
Terms like "sensitive," "caring,"
"bright," "honest" and "secure" are
sprinkled generously throughout per-
sonal ads. We know what Webster
says they're supposed to mean, but in
the uncertain realm of dating, liber-
ties often are taken with the
language. Budding Lotharios and
femme fatales take the truth, add a
pinch of exaggeration, an ounce of im-
agination, a teaspoon of wishful
thinking, a smattering of convenient
omissions, and presto, they've got a
personal ad that could lure Heather
Locklear or Mark Harmon to the door.
But in shopping for a date, just as
in shopping for car, the buyer must
beware. to help you avoid unpleasant
surprises, here's a primer for personal
ad readers and potential respondents.
The following words and phrases are
commonly found in personal ads, but
we've included somewhat more
realistic interpretations and
meanings.
This is dedicated to all those
women who have opened their door
expecting Robert Redford, but who
found themselves face-to-face with
Gomer Pyle. And to all the men who,
after fantasizing about the Jaclyn
Smith lookalike they were promised,
wound up gazing into the eyes of Jane
Hathaway.
Affectionate — Longs for emo-
tional or physical closeness. It's been
a long time since .. .
Ambitious — Has a desire to
achieve. Wants to set the world on fire
— but you supply the matches.
Attractive — Has that which at-
tracts: beauty, charm, job, money,
Porsche, great body. A much-abused
term.
Average looking — Less than at-
tractive, more than ugly. Usually an
exaggeration.
Boots, Whips & Handcuffs —
Seeking someone with an open mind.
See "New Experiences."
Cheerful — Full of good cheer,
either 80 proof or 100 percent pure.
Children — Short people. Package
plan comes complete with grief and
tax exemptions.
Chubby — Plump. May require
heavy-duty shocks on the car. Drinks
diet soda while eating Twinkies.
Classy — Has class, usually ar-
tificial. Pays retail; expects you to pay
retail. Pretends not to like Big Macs.
Compassionate — Understanding.
Favors passion without sex.
Conversationalist — Willing to ex-
change ideas, opinions and observa-
tions, whether solicited or not. The
Mouth That Roared.
Dinner & Drinks — Food and li-
quor. Signals a traditionalist. Expen-
sive foreplay.
DWF — Divorced white female.
Probably angry at ex-husband and
may resent all men. Carries grudges.
Going for best two out of three.
DWM — Divorced white male. Out
of clean laundry. Probably broke.
Whines about child support.
Educated — Has an education,
and is capable of boring you on any
subject.
Emotionally secure — Free from
fear; takes two Valium a day.
Everlasting love — For forever or
three dates, whichever comes first.
Will insist on knowing your last
name, address.
40, but looks 30 — Looks younger,
usually from a distance.
Financially secure — Got it, and
gonna keep it.
First ad — Recently dumped.
Height proportionate to weight —
Subjective relation of structural sizes
to each other, as in a fire hydrant.
Honest — Free from deception;
doesn't cheat on taxes; stupid.
Humor, Sense Of Desires A — A
sense of the comical or amusing. Wait
till you see him or her — you'll need
it.
Intelligent — Is directed by in-
tellect. Capable of keeping track of
how much you're spending.
Independent — Doesn't rely on
others. Won't pick up the check, and
may open own doors.
Likes Long Walks — Is into exer-
cise. May not own a car.
Likes Movies — Looks better in
the dark.
Naive — Smiles after paying $75
for dinner and getting a handshake
goodnight; see "Stupid."
New Experiences — Has an open
mind. Knows the chandelier trick; see
"Boots, Whips & Handcuffs."
Passionate — Easily aroused.
Pretty Smile — Attractive oral ap-
pearance. Has at least four teeth
strategically placed.
Romantic Has passionate emo-
tions. Will say "I love you" just before
you say "No."
Rubenesque — In the shape of
women favored as subjects by the ar-
tist Rubens. Has a figure like a '53
Buick.
Sensitive — Subject to excitation
by external agents. May have a rash.
SWF — Single white female,