40
Friday, March 8, 1985
THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS
PURIM
Attack Of The
Pizza People
On Your Mark...
Aliens from another planet in-
vaded cities throughout the
United States, attacking young
men in and around pizza par-
lors. The aliens descended on
their victims in three-foot-wide,
doughy, white flying saucers,
wrapping their space vehicles
around the heads and arms of
the youths and incapacitating
Despite warnings from his
doctors and family, former Is-
raeli Macho Minister Ariel Sha-
ron participated in the grueling
Tel Aviv-Beirut Marathon
Sprint this week. Shown here at
the starting line, Sharon col-
lapsed after running 14 yards
but later vowed to- sue the or-
ganizers of the race for alleged-
ly giving an unfair advantage to
runners who are not grossly
overweight.
"When I say I will run, that's
exactly what I mean," huffed
Sharon, who said he was not
surprised to learn that he had
been named Man Of The Year
by nine magazine, edging out
Bernard Goetz and Jodie Foster.
1 ,Y
,r14.
Table for two?
Organic
Furniture
Aliens with anchovies.
them for hours. Scientists tried
many antidotes and finally dis-
covered that the aliens were
violently allergic to anchovies.
As soon as the discovery was
ma-de, the hostile space travel-
ers hopped aboard their disks
and whirled off in the direction
of Alpha Centari.
Stuck On Squash
A four-ton squash, grown by
two Israeli farmers in their liv-
ing room last summer, threat-
ened to plunge through the floor
of their home. Since they were
unable to use all of the vege-
table at once, put it in the refri-
gerator or get it through the
front door, they decided to
adopt it as a pet. The pair be-
came so attached to the gourd
that they couldn't keep their
hands off it. All three are now
in exhibit in the house. People
Jewish beauty queen Vanessa
Vashti reluctantly agreed to
give up her crown this week as
Miss Persia after photographs
were published of her in Penta-
teuch magazine showing her
sampling another woman's un-
kosher cooking.
Comrade's
Capers
who have seen the display -say
that the two men are turning
pale and smooth and have asked
for earth to be shoveled over
their feet, which are beginning
to look suspiciously like roots.
Asked how they felt about hav-
ing their living room taken over
by vegetation, the farmers'
wives said they hadn't noticed
much difference.
Beaver Cleaver
Yeshiver
Beauty Queen
Resigns
Chernenko: out to lunch.
You should've seen the tomato.
Will Sharon run?
Tables and chairs that grow
are the subjects of frenzied re-
search by botanists in central
Louisiana. According to re-
searchers, a maverick enzyme
infiltrates the furniture via cer-
tain horizontal-growing swamp
reeds and causes immediate
pedestal development, thereby
leaving the seat occupants
stranded high above the ooze.
What the people were doing
seated at tables in the swamp in
the first place in another ques-
tion.
The Soviet news agency Tass
released this photo today • of
Soviet leader Chernenko, in an
attempt to allay fears that he is
seriously ill. The caption read:
"President Chernenko, looking
tip top, casts his ballot in Mos-
cow democratic election before
leaving for lunch with Lenin,
Stalin, Khruschev and Andro-
pov who are temporarily away
from their desks."
•
T■ alink
•
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eti.A
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...and remember Eddie Chaskel?
After searching for years, the
producers of the old "Leave It
To Beaver" sitcomlinally locat-
ed a little boy to star in their
new series, "Beaver Cleaver Ye-
shiver." The new show, the pro-
ducers say, will be highly intel-
lectual. The star is able to read
without moving his lips and will
be shown actually reading Heb-
rew on camera. Corduroy cap
manufacturers are already tool-
ing up to reproduce the little
yeshiver's head covering for the
moppet market, and Mattel has
reportedly produced a Beaver
doll that says, "My oatmeal is
cold," "Let's boombah," and "I
want Barbie" at the touch of a
button.
5745: The Year
Of The Lox
While millions of Red Chinese
celebrate the year of the Ox,
China's small but active Jewish
community began preparation
for its celebration, the Year of
the Lox.
Celebrations were particular-
ly intense in the northwest por-
tions of Peking where Luba-
vitch Chinese Jews were seen
teaching other how to split bag-
els, cook eggs and onions and
read the Sunday Times. An-
cient lessons in shmearing and
dunking were also given. Rab-
bi Ping Bing Shapiro taught the
ancient lesson about the differ-
ence between Nova and belly
lox: "About $3 a pound," he
said.
Until now Chinese Jews have
celebrated their holidays in the
closet. Last year it was the year
of the gefilte, the year before
that it was the year of the
pulke. But because the Chinese
government has relaxed its con-
trol on religious groups, Chinese
groups are looking forward to
Rosh Hashanah when they cele-
brate Lu Fin Gill or "The Year
of the Herring (with white
sauce)."
The wizard of Amman.
King In Toyland
Jordan's King Hussein went
shopping in England for mili-
tary equipment recently, ended
up in the London branch of
F.A.O. Schwartz, the famous
toy store, where he checked out
a collection of toy soldiers. In
the end, he decided against buy-
ing them because they were all
three feet taller than he is.