Does anyone else remember Darla Sher-
man? You know, the girl with the braces
holding the dead goldfish in that tiny plas-
tic bag in “Finding Nemo”? If you can recall
her in your mind’s eye (or your nightmares),
you may have been deeply scarred by the pig-
tailed child like I was. If you had to click the
link (sorry, late warning: JUMP SCARE), I
hope you remember her impact. As children,
we learned not to tap on fish tank glass, not to
shake bags of live fish and, above all, not to be
a menace of a pet-owner.
The 2003 movie may have made us more
sympathetic toward clownfish and the odd
royal blue tang, but it did not make the world
immediately kinder to goldfish specifically
(like the one Darla poses with in her den-
tist picture). During recent years, in partial
response to new research concerning fish
intelligence, the conversation surrounding
pet fish has transitioned into discussing the
reality of keeping fish as happy, satisfied and,
most importantly, living pets.
Fish, and goldfish in particular, are not
the easy, uninvolved house decor-friendly
animals that characters like Darla Sher-
man have made them out to be. For decades,
goldfish have been given out as prizes at car-
nivals and fairs in tiny plastic bags. Usually,
when players win live-animal prizes, they are
unequipped in supplies to handle the respon-
sibility of caring for them. Goldfish require
specific habitation, and their treatment as
barely-living dolls is both unrealistic to their
needs and generally abusive.
As the needs of fish to live happy and
healthy lives have been voiced, many car-
nivals and fairs have pledged to stop giving
away live animals as prizes. Goldfish are not
easy-to-keep animals, nor are they the right
choice for a first pet (if you aren’t looking for
commitment).
Goldfish have been pets for centuries.
They are considered good luck (like orange
ladybugs and monarch butterflies), though
the once gold-toned fish are now more orange
due to a mutation that occurred during selec-
tive breeding. Most species of goldfish need
20-gallon tanks (which require a lot of space),
specific chemical treatments in their water
and devoted cleaning. They have been record-
ed living into their mid-40s, and often reach
their 20s and 30s when cared for properly in
outdoor environments.
The average age they reach in smaller
bowls (think Carlos K. Krinklebine from
“The Cat in the Hat”) is only about five years
old, but when severely mistreated, like many
are, they often have a much shorter lifespan.
Not to brag, but I once had an angelfish
named Lily, and she lived to the ripe, old
(angelfish) age of 12 years old. As a semi-
evil but beloved part of our family, she was
buried in the backyard, and a small funeral
service was held in her honor. My sister and
I witnessed her swallow some of the other
fish whole more than once, but I admit to
crying at that funeral. That being said, I
have never had goldfish due to the possi-
bility that they could grow to be too big
for their tank.
Mistreated goldfish often do not live
to grow into their full size. Abuse toward
goldfish has long been excused by their “3
second memories,” but, in actuality, they can
remember at least the last three months,
if not years. They can be taught to do
tricks, eat from hands, recognize the
people that feed them and recog-
nize other fish, even after periods
of separation.
Goldfish are far from simple
creatures. There are more than
200 different species of goldfish,
primarily of the specially-bred
“fancy goldfish” type. Goldfish come
in a range of colors, from the classic
vibrant orange, to spotted red and white,
deep violet-blue, cow-print brown, lemony-
yellow and even matte black. While goldfish
often change colors in the first few years of
life, goldfish that pale in color or turn com-
pletely white can indicate issues with nutri-
tion, lack of light, chemical imbalances
within the tank or depression.
Many of the most popular pet stores, like
PetSmart and Petco, are known for treating
fish horribly. Alongside goldfish, betta fish
receive mistreatment due
to false information — they
are sometimes categorized
as decoration for offices
or put into tiny, orna-
mental vases, because
pet stores relay that
they can survive in
puddles and need lit-
tle to no care or space.
Betta fish have par-
ticular diets and need
a tank of at least 2.5
gallons with room
to
breathe
at
the top; they
cannot
be
left in plastic
containers
like those in
which
they
are sold.
Goldfish
not only have
a history of the
horrific
“goldfish
bowls,” but also an even
strang-
er hazing ritual and competition-
based past. Most popular in 1939 and con-
tinuing even today, live goldfish have been
swallowed for betting purposes, record-set-
ting competitions and even as initiation into
sororities and fraternities (like that scene in
“Euphoria”).
3 — Wednesday, November 9, 2022 // The Statement
An ode to goldfish
BY GISELLE MILLS, STATEMENT CONTRIBUTOR
Read more at MichiganDaily.com
A few weeks ago, I woke up and found
myself in desperate need of a hair mask. I
glared in the mirror and noticed crinkles and
curls and split ends in places that were once
populated by a dense forest of hair. I even
noticed a change in my demeanor. My mood
began to fall just as flat as the hair on my
head, squeezed dry by a summer of salt water
and UV damage. I am rarely myself when my
hair isn’t at its best.
But when I began my search for the prod-
uct that would best cure my hair of all its
frizz, finding the golden egg became a behe-
moth of a task. Just after reading a lengthy
review of someone praising this or that hair
mask, I would be met with a startlingly
negative review right below it, deposing
it of its so-called glory. It took me hours
upon hours to finally decide on my secret
sauce. (Hint: It consists of the Olaplex No.
3 protein treatment for bleach damage, the
SheaMoisture mask for hydration and the
It’s a 10 Miracle mask for a post-shower
pamper.)
People have told me that I make things way
harder for myself than they need to be, but I
don’t think spending hours reading reviews
before buying a product is overcomplicating
things — it’s just baseline research. I remain
incredibly wary of every review I read, as I
like to assess the level of similarity between
myself and an unknown online stranger to
gauge whether or not I should subscribe to
their opinion.
Round and round I go, circling through
images and search filters until my eyes are
full of internal pressure from the taut blue
light that radiates from my laptop at 3:30 in
the morning.
I think it remains to be established:
who has the agency to advise whom? Is it
the fellow who leaves a one-star rating on
an Amazon listing for a MacBook Air case
when they actually own a MacBook Pro?
And does the burden lie on the ignorantly
misguided reviewer to remove misinfor-
mation from the internet, or on the naive
reader who must learn how fallacious the
plebeian opinion can be?
In a world where everyone’s a critic, I’m
left wondering what ever happened to the
promise of professional critics, to the guys we
could trust to tell us what to buy, what to read,
what to watch.
Read more at MichiganDaily.com
Design by Valerija Malashevich
‘Everyone’s a critic’—
The deterioration of criticism as an artform
BY VALERIJA MALASHEVICH, STATEMENT CORRESPONDENT
Design by Ally Payne