Does anyone else remember Darla Sher-
man? You know, the girl with the braces 
holding the dead goldfish in that tiny plas-
tic bag in “Finding Nemo”? If you can recall 
her in your mind’s eye (or your nightmares), 
you may have been deeply scarred by the pig-
tailed child like I was. If you had to click the 
link (sorry, late warning: JUMP SCARE), I 
hope you remember her impact. As children, 
we learned not to tap on fish tank glass, not to 
shake bags of live fish and, above all, not to be 
a menace of a pet-owner.
The 2003 movie may have made us more 
sympathetic toward clownfish and the odd 
royal blue tang, but it did not make the world 
immediately kinder to goldfish specifically 
(like the one Darla poses with in her den-
tist picture). During recent years, in partial 
response to new research concerning fish 
intelligence, the conversation surrounding 
pet fish has transitioned into discussing the 
reality of keeping fish as happy, satisfied and, 
most importantly, living pets.
Fish, and goldfish in particular, are not 
the easy, uninvolved house decor-friendly 
animals that characters like Darla Sher-
man have made them out to be. For decades, 
goldfish have been given out as prizes at car-
nivals and fairs in tiny plastic bags. Usually, 
when players win live-animal prizes, they are 
unequipped in supplies to handle the respon-

sibility of caring for them. Goldfish require 
specific habitation, and their treatment as 
barely-living dolls is both unrealistic to their 
needs and generally abusive.
As the needs of fish to live happy and 
healthy lives have been voiced, many car-
nivals and fairs have pledged to stop giving 
away live animals as prizes. Goldfish are not 
easy-to-keep animals, nor are they the right 
choice for a first pet (if you aren’t looking for 
commitment). 
Goldfish have been pets for centuries. 
They are considered good luck (like orange 
ladybugs and monarch butterflies), though 
the once gold-toned fish are now more orange 
due to a mutation that occurred during selec-
tive breeding. Most species of goldfish need 
20-gallon tanks (which require a lot of space), 
specific chemical treatments in their water 
and devoted cleaning. They have been record-
ed living into their mid-40s, and often reach 
their 20s and 30s when cared for properly in 
outdoor environments.
The average age they reach in smaller 
bowls (think Carlos K. Krinklebine from 
“The Cat in the Hat”) is only about five years 
old, but when severely mistreated, like many 
are, they often have a much shorter lifespan.
Not to brag, but I once had an angelfish 
named Lily, and she lived to the ripe, old 
(angelfish) age of 12 years old. As a semi-

evil but beloved part of our family, she was 
buried in the backyard, and a small funeral 
service was held in her honor. My sister and 
I witnessed her swallow some of the other 
fish whole more than once, but I admit to 
crying at that funeral. That being said, I 
have never had goldfish due to the possi-
bility that they could grow to be too big 
for their tank. 
Mistreated goldfish often do not live 
to grow into their full size. Abuse toward 
goldfish has long been excused by their “3 
second memories,” but, in actuality, they can 
remember at least the last three months, 
if not years. They can be taught to do 
tricks, eat from hands, recognize the 
people that feed them and recog-
nize other fish, even after periods 
of separation. 
Goldfish are far from simple 
creatures. There are more than 
200 different species of goldfish, 
primarily of the specially-bred 
“fancy goldfish” type. Goldfish come 
in a range of colors, from the classic 
vibrant orange, to spotted red and white, 
deep violet-blue, cow-print brown, lemony-
yellow and even matte black. While goldfish 
often change colors in the first few years of 
life, goldfish that pale in color or turn com-
pletely white can indicate issues with nutri-
tion, lack of light, chemical imbalances 
within the tank or depression.
Many of the most popular pet stores, like 
PetSmart and Petco, are known for treating 
fish horribly. Alongside goldfish, betta fish 

receive mistreatment due 
to false information — they 
are sometimes categorized 
as decoration for offices 
or put into tiny, orna-
mental vases, because 
pet stores relay that 
they can survive in 
puddles and need lit-
tle to no care or space. 
Betta fish have par-
ticular diets and need 
a tank of at least 2.5 
gallons with room 
to 
breathe 
at 
the top; they 
cannot 
be 
left in plastic 
containers 
like those in 
which 
they 
are sold.
Goldfish 
not only have 
a history of the 
horrific 
“goldfish 
bowls,” but also an even 
strang-
er hazing ritual and competition-
based past. Most popular in 1939 and con-
tinuing even today, live goldfish have been 
swallowed for betting purposes, record-set-
ting competitions and even as initiation into 
sororities and fraternities (like that scene in 
“Euphoria”).

3 — Wednesday, November 9, 2022 // The Statement
An ode to goldfish

BY GISELLE MILLS, STATEMENT CONTRIBUTOR

Read more at MichiganDaily.com

A few weeks ago, I woke up and found 
myself in desperate need of a hair mask. I 
glared in the mirror and noticed crinkles and 
curls and split ends in places that were once 
populated by a dense forest of hair. I even 
noticed a change in my demeanor. My mood 
began to fall just as flat as the hair on my 
head, squeezed dry by a summer of salt water 
and UV damage. I am rarely myself when my 
hair isn’t at its best.
But when I began my search for the prod-
uct that would best cure my hair of all its 
frizz, finding the golden egg became a behe-
moth of a task. Just after reading a lengthy 
review of someone praising this or that hair 
mask, I would be met with a startlingly 
negative review right below it, deposing 
it of its so-called glory. It took me hours 
upon hours to finally decide on my secret 
sauce. (Hint: It consists of the Olaplex No. 
3 protein treatment for bleach damage, the 
SheaMoisture mask for hydration and the 
It’s a 10 Miracle mask for a post-shower 
pamper.)
People have told me that I make things way 
harder for myself than they need to be, but I 

don’t think spending hours reading reviews 
before buying a product is overcomplicating 
things — it’s just baseline research. I remain 
incredibly wary of every review I read, as I 
like to assess the level of similarity between 
myself and an unknown online stranger to 
gauge whether or not I should subscribe to 
their opinion.
Round and round I go, circling through 
images and search filters until my eyes are 
full of internal pressure from the taut blue 
light that radiates from my laptop at 3:30 in 
the morning.
I think it remains to be established: 
who has the agency to advise whom? Is it 
the fellow who leaves a one-star rating on 
an Amazon listing for a MacBook Air case 
when they actually own a MacBook Pro? 
And does the burden lie on the ignorantly 
misguided reviewer to remove misinfor-
mation from the internet, or on the naive 
reader who must learn how fallacious the 
plebeian opinion can be?
In a world where everyone’s a critic, I’m 
left wondering what ever happened to the 
promise of professional critics, to the guys we 
could trust to tell us what to buy, what to read, 
what to watch.

Read more at MichiganDaily.com
Design by Valerija Malashevich

‘Everyone’s a critic’—
The deterioration of criticism as an artform

BY VALERIJA MALASHEVICH, STATEMENT CORRESPONDENT

Design by Ally Payne

