3 — Wednesday, November 3, 2021 // The Statement
Is there a
Is there a
problem?
problem?
BY SARAH STOLAR,
STATEMENT CORRESPONDENT
W
alking in the door, my mind was an entan-
glement of anxiety and relief. I looked over
the faces of those inside the cafe and finally locat-
ed a familiar blonde haircut at the far corner of the
room.
I sat down on the stool beside my friend, Ella,
who had invited me to the Starbucks right next
to our high school. Starbucks: a place for business
meetings, homework parties and hangover recov-
eries — not a place for gut-wrenching conversa-
tion. But we both needed this, and a public place
would allow us to process our emotions with a
little more polish and compassion.
Ella was one of the closest friends I’d ever had.
We had been friends since eighth grade, interact-
ing on a daily basis in school or on our own per-
sonal adventures. With our shared values and
identical wild humor, we gravitated toward each
other and remained in constant contact.
But for the first two months of senior year,
she barely spoke to me. When I approached, she
walked away. When we were partners in French,
she was curt and to the point. She rarely ate lunch
with me, and when she did, she talked to others
without making eye contact in my direction.
I knew something was off, yet she never gave
me the chance to ask why she was upset. Only
coldness and avoidance with no explanation.
Finally, in late October, she slowly began to
interact with me again. With a steady progression
back to what I hoped was normalcy, we ended up
at Starbucks, where she explained the reason-
ing behind her distance. Over the summer, I had
started dating someone, but with our busy sched-
ules, I never had the chance to tell her until almost
the start of the school year. Ella found out about
my new relationship from a mutual friend before
I revealed it to her and was livid that I hadn’t told
her for so long.
We hashed out every event, feeling and grudge.
She revealed her past experiences with abandon-
ment and the distrust my miscommunication had
created. I felt guilty for reigniting her old fears, but at
the end of our conversation I still couldn’t shake my
underlying anger over how she chose to react to her
distress. We seemed to have resolved our situation,
but there was a lingering tension in our relationship
that had sprouted over the few months prior.
And despite our conversation, the damage had
already been done. We had grown distant.
It felt like I was walking on eggshells around
Ella, as if my presence would snap the illusion
of peace we held up for the sake of those around
us. Every interaction with her since then has felt
forced and tight. It’s as if there’s an invisible wall
up between us. On the rare occasion that I see her,
I am immediately reminded of our rift.
We had to start our relationship over and
reconstruct the trust that was lost. I don’t think
we’ll ever be back to what we were before.
At Starbucks, Ella told me how she refused to
let herself act “okay” when she was hurting — she
wasn’t going to pretend that everything was fine
when it wasn’t. I respected that she internally rec-
ognized the validity of her emotions. But in most
ways, she did act like everything was fine, con-
tinuing all of her normal actions with a punctua-
tion of coldness focused in my direction. The way
she approached the conflict made me constantly
question which of my actions had caused such a
reaction and if she would ever actually tell me. I
shouldn’t have to play detective to figure out what
was bothering her, but I definitely couldn’t force
her to open up to me. I gave her space to determine
what she needed to do, but in doing so, no solution
was ever reached. The issue festered, resentment
building and building until we didn’t even recog-
nize our friendship anymore.
The whole situation made me realize how
much I valued respectful confrontation in rela-
tionships. Since our friendship’s undoing, I’ve
fully embraced the idea of verbalizing my con-
cerns, whether with roommates, friends or fam-
ily. I despise resentment and rarely hold grudges
— I immediately make clear what’s bothering me
so matters don’t spin out of control. I forgive easily
since when I bring up a problem directly, I know
the other person has heard me and internalized
what I have to say. It frees me of any ill will related
to a conflict because they now know how their
actions have affected me, allowing us to mutually
decide how we can move forward in a more posi-
tive manner. Most people tell me they appreciate
my honesty, that they respect that I’m upfront
without being overly rude.
Confrontation is often seen as aggressive,
negative or frightening. But in my experience, the
effects of passive aggression and avoidance are
much more destructive.
***
W
hat comes to mind when you hear the word
“conflict?” Is it a fistfight, a screaming
match or a cold distance from someone who you
have wronged? Is it characterized by active ver-
bal projection against another person? Is silence
the most cutting method of getting one’s anger
across?
One’s approach to conflict is heavily influenced
by their communication style. There are four main
types of communication: passive, passive-aggres-
sive, aggressive and assertive. Those who are pas-
sive don’t express their concerns or feelings while
those who are passive-aggressive will commu-
nicate their frustrations in subtle ways, whether
through body language, indirect comments or a
bitter demeanor. Aggressive communication is
characterized by combative interactions in which
the aggressor tries to dictate the situation, allow-
ing no room for others to respond. Assertiveness
is seen as the healthiest way to respond to conflict
— defending one’s own emotions or desires clearly
while remaining respectful to those at the other
end of the communication.
This doesn’t mean that each of our conflict
management styles is stagnant. We can change
our communication method completely based
on the environment we are in. A person may not
have the same response in a personal situation as
opposed to an academic setting. Or, if you’re like
me, there is a spectrum of the intensity of your
assertiveness: I’m much more poignant (but no
less assertive) with my roommates than I am with
my boss. I’m not okay with letting things slide, but
I adapt based on my position or comfort level.
Growing up in Minnesota, the concept of pas-
sive-aggression is so ingrained in local lifestyle
that it has become a regional inside joke. “Minne-
sota Nice and Minnesota Ice” perfectly encapsu-
lates the two behaviors we are known for — when
speaking with a Minnesotan, you will be met with
the polite, stand-up Midwesterner or a demeanor
as cold as our January blizzards.
Passive aggression is a common approach to
conflict throughout the Midwest. This geograph-
ic trend presents a possible cultural influence on
communication styles, as residents within a cer-
tain region generally share common social and
behavioral norms due to their similar lifestyles.
One study shows this geographic significance,
as residents of the “Upper Midwest” had much
lower “assertiveness” scores than residents of
the New York Metropolitan area. In other words,
Midwesterners were much more passive in their
communication with others than New Yorkers.
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