3 — Wednesday, November 3, 2021 // The Statement

Is there a 
Is there a 
problem? 
problem? 

BY SARAH STOLAR, 

STATEMENT CORRESPONDENT

W
alking in the door, my mind was an entan-
glement of anxiety and relief. I looked over 
the faces of those inside the cafe and finally locat-
ed a familiar blonde haircut at the far corner of the 
room.
I sat down on the stool beside my friend, Ella, 
who had invited me to the Starbucks right next 
to our high school. Starbucks: a place for business 
meetings, homework parties and hangover recov-
eries — not a place for gut-wrenching conversa-
tion. But we both needed this, and a public place 
would allow us to process our emotions with a 
little more polish and compassion.
Ella was one of the closest friends I’d ever had. 
We had been friends since eighth grade, interact-
ing on a daily basis in school or on our own per-
sonal adventures. With our shared values and 
identical wild humor, we gravitated toward each 
other and remained in constant contact.
But for the first two months of senior year, 
she barely spoke to me. When I approached, she 
walked away. When we were partners in French, 
she was curt and to the point. She rarely ate lunch 
with me, and when she did, she talked to others 
without making eye contact in my direction.
I knew something was off, yet she never gave 
me the chance to ask why she was upset. Only 
coldness and avoidance with no explanation.
Finally, in late October, she slowly began to 
interact with me again. With a steady progression 
back to what I hoped was normalcy, we ended up 
at Starbucks, where she explained the reason-
ing behind her distance. Over the summer, I had 
started dating someone, but with our busy sched-
ules, I never had the chance to tell her until almost 
the start of the school year. Ella found out about 
my new relationship from a mutual friend before 
I revealed it to her and was livid that I hadn’t told 
her for so long.

We hashed out every event, feeling and grudge. 
She revealed her past experiences with abandon-
ment and the distrust my miscommunication had 
created. I felt guilty for reigniting her old fears, but at 
the end of our conversation I still couldn’t shake my 
underlying anger over how she chose to react to her 
distress. We seemed to have resolved our situation, 
but there was a lingering tension in our relationship 
that had sprouted over the few months prior.
And despite our conversation, the damage had 
already been done. We had grown distant. 
It felt like I was walking on eggshells around 
Ella, as if my presence would snap the illusion 
of peace we held up for the sake of those around 
us. Every interaction with her since then has felt 
forced and tight. It’s as if there’s an invisible wall 
up between us. On the rare occasion that I see her, 
I am immediately reminded of our rift.
We had to start our relationship over and 
reconstruct the trust that was lost. I don’t think 
we’ll ever be back to what we were before.
At Starbucks, Ella told me how she refused to 
let herself act “okay” when she was hurting — she 
wasn’t going to pretend that everything was fine 
when it wasn’t. I respected that she internally rec-
ognized the validity of her emotions. But in most 
ways, she did act like everything was fine, con-
tinuing all of her normal actions with a punctua-
tion of coldness focused in my direction. The way 
she approached the conflict made me constantly 
question which of my actions had caused such a 
reaction and if she would ever actually tell me. I 
shouldn’t have to play detective to figure out what 
was bothering her, but I definitely couldn’t force 
her to open up to me. I gave her space to determine 
what she needed to do, but in doing so, no solution 
was ever reached. The issue festered, resentment 
building and building until we didn’t even recog-
nize our friendship anymore.

The whole situation made me realize how 
much I valued respectful confrontation in rela-
tionships. Since our friendship’s undoing, I’ve 
fully embraced the idea of verbalizing my con-
cerns, whether with roommates, friends or fam-
ily. I despise resentment and rarely hold grudges 
— I immediately make clear what’s bothering me 
so matters don’t spin out of control. I forgive easily 
since when I bring up a problem directly, I know 
the other person has heard me and internalized 
what I have to say. It frees me of any ill will related 
to a conflict because they now know how their 
actions have affected me, allowing us to mutually 
decide how we can move forward in a more posi-
tive manner. Most people tell me they appreciate 
my honesty, that they respect that I’m upfront 
without being overly rude. 
Confrontation is often seen as aggressive, 
negative or frightening. But in my experience, the 
effects of passive aggression and avoidance are 
much more destructive.
***
W
hat comes to mind when you hear the word 
“conflict?” Is it a fistfight, a screaming 
match or a cold distance from someone who you 
have wronged? Is it characterized by active ver-
bal projection against another person? Is silence 
the most cutting method of getting one’s anger 
across?
One’s approach to conflict is heavily influenced 
by their communication style. There are four main 
types of communication: passive, passive-aggres-
sive, aggressive and assertive. Those who are pas-
sive don’t express their concerns or feelings while 
those who are passive-aggressive will commu-
nicate their frustrations in subtle ways, whether 
through body language, indirect comments or a 
bitter demeanor. Aggressive communication is 
characterized by combative interactions in which 

the aggressor tries to dictate the situation, allow-
ing no room for others to respond. Assertiveness 
is seen as the healthiest way to respond to conflict 
— defending one’s own emotions or desires clearly 
while remaining respectful to those at the other 
end of the communication.
This doesn’t mean that each of our conflict 
management styles is stagnant. We can change 
our communication method completely based 
on the environment we are in. A person may not 
have the same response in a personal situation as 
opposed to an academic setting. Or, if you’re like 
me, there is a spectrum of the intensity of your 
assertiveness: I’m much more poignant (but no 
less assertive) with my roommates than I am with 
my boss. I’m not okay with letting things slide, but 
I adapt based on my position or comfort level.
Growing up in Minnesota, the concept of pas-
sive-aggression is so ingrained in local lifestyle 
that it has become a regional inside joke. “Minne-
sota Nice and Minnesota Ice” perfectly encapsu-
lates the two behaviors we are known for — when 
speaking with a Minnesotan, you will be met with 
the polite, stand-up Midwesterner or a demeanor 
as cold as our January blizzards.
Passive aggression is a common approach to 
conflict throughout the Midwest. This geograph-
ic trend presents a possible cultural influence on 
communication styles, as residents within a cer-
tain region generally share common social and 
behavioral norms due to their similar lifestyles. 
One study shows this geographic significance, 
as residents of the “Upper Midwest” had much 
lower “assertiveness” scores than residents of 
the New York Metropolitan area. In other words, 
Midwesterners were much more passive in their 
communication with others than New Yorkers. 

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