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Thursday, June 3 2021
The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com MICHIGAN IN COLOR
There we sat in her childhood
bedroom. Except it was no longer
purple like mine. In fact, it felt like her
entire house changed. New pictures
on the walls, new appliances in her
kitchen. I felt like a stranger in the
house I grew up going to every day.
You never realize you start to drift
away from someone you love until
you reconnect and rekindle the old
flame. This feeling hit me recently as I
started seeing my best friend from my
childhood more often this past week.
We’d been best friends since fourth
grade. Every day we would ring each
other’s doorbells to ask if we could
play outside, sleepover at each other’s
houses every weekend, sit next to each
other on the school bus every morning,
go on walks together every day, gush
over cute boys in our classes, paint each
other’s nails, anything and everything
you would think a pair of best friends
would do. We’re going to be best
friends forever. It felt like I had found
my person. Imagine lighting a match
and immediately seeing the flame
appear, how bright that flame shines
— that’s how the friendship felt. Bright
and exciting.
High school came around, and
suddenly we were no longer at each
other’s houses every day. We weren’t
texting each other everyday, playing
outside, going on walks, talking about
our crushes, painting each other’s nails.
There wasn’t any of that anymore.
We were still friends, don’t get me
wrong, but the flame was starting to
burn out right in front of us. Looking
back, I never knew what triggered the
flame to start dwindling. Some days
I think to myself that maybe it was
because we both got busy with school,
applying to college, clubs and other
extracurricular activities. Plus, she was
a year older than me, so there was no
way we’d even be in the same classes.
Other days I think it was because we
met new people. Again, both of us
were in different grades and made
friends in our own classes. We wanted
to strengthen our relationships with
other people since ours had always
been solid. Not knowing, for me, is the
worst part. Why did the flame start
to die out? It’s almost impossible to
pinpoint when and why exactly things
started drifting apart.
Then we both got to college. I
moved to Ann Arbor, and she moved
to Mount Pleasant. We rarely texted
each other, rarely were home on the
same weekends. She just turned into
someone I followed on Instagram,
someone who would slide up on my
Snapchat stories. The flame was on its
last legs. Again, we both were college
students living in different cities, and
we needed time for our work and our
extracurriculars. We also needed time
to strengthen the relationships we
were creating in our new homes. Still,
I was hopeful the flame would persist.
But the match completely burned
out. The flame was dead.
I kept telling myself that we were
on good terms, we were just busy.
I was making excuses to myself
that everything was fine with our
friendship when in reality we were
turning into strangers right before our
eyes. The reality of it didn’t hit me until
all of a sudden she was in a relationship,
and I found out through Instagram.
Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for
her, but I felt like that was something
you would tell your friend in person
instead of finding out by watching an
Instagram story. I couldn’t be mad at
her though because I caught myself
doing the same thing. I started trying
new things, meeting new people and
immediately showed the world on
social media. I didn’t text her anything
about what was happening in my life
and she didn’t text me anything about
what was going on with her. We met
new people, made new inside jokes
with them, went on trips without each
other and listened to different music.
We weren’t the ones in each other’s
houses every weekend anymore.
The flame stayed dead. The most
contact we had with each other was via
social media, just viewing each other’s
pictures, stalking the new friends
we’re tagging, occasionally sliding
up on each other’s stories. It wasn’t
until the pandemic hit that we started
talking to each other again. Out of the
blue, she invited me to spend the night
at her house, just like old times. I was
hesitant, of course. I didn’t know what
to think of it. But we both had tested
negative for COVID and were both
free that weekend. Plus, we were still
each other friends, albeit, or at least
acquaintances. I decided to go, and
immediately I felt out of place. Her
house looked completely different, so
unlike the home I spent every weekend
at in fourth grade. But the night
progressed, and I slowly started feeling
comfortable again. The hours kept
passing by, and we started opening up.
We started with the shallow stuff: “I
tried a new restaurant!” “I went to my
first college football game!” And then
it all vomited out of us. Everything we
hadn’t told each other came spewing
out of each of us. By the end of it all,
we were in tears. She looked at me and
said “Smarani, I thought you hated
me.” I started sobbing even more. How
could I hate you? If only you knew the
number of nights I’ve stayed up tossing
and turning, wondering what went
wrong, and why I couldn’t manage
to keep the flame. The number of
sleepless nights I’ve spent silently
shedding tears because I missed my
best friend. The only words I managed
to get out were “I thought you hated
me.” We embraced each other, our
tears staining each other’s shirts. I
was able to get a good night’s sleep that
night.
It’s impossible to relight a match
that has been burned out. In the same
way it’s impossible to ever go back to
the stage of friendship we were once
at. We had drifted so far apart that
at this rate, who knows how long it
would be until we were back. The fact
that we’re getting older doesn’t help
either. She’s getting ready to relocate
for an internship. I’m working on my
passion projects and taking classes
over the summer. It’s a hard pill to
swallow. But we’re both ready to try
and take the baby steps necessary to
get as close as we can to where we once
were. Although we’ve grown up to be
different now, we both want to go back
to how it once was. Back to talking
about our crushes again, taking trips
together, sharing our music and going
back to spending every weekend at
each other’s houses.
Rekindling an Old Flame
SMARANI KOMANDURI
MiC Columnist
Design by Madison Grosvenor