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January 22, 2020 - Image 11

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Text
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The Michigan Daily

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T

he loud music, dim lighting and cheap liquor
blurred my surroundings in Rick’s American
Cafe, an underground hideaway for most seniors
at the University of Michigan. It was the beginning of
another interminable Thursday night. It took me a few
seconds to notice that a man had slid into the sticky
upholstered seating next to me. He was inches away from
my bare arm and lightly bumped into me, giving himself
away.
“Sorry,” I said, moving a bit closer to my friend, “My
bad.” Instead of backing away, he leaned in closer: a
stranger with dark features.
“Don’t be sorry, hi,” he replied, too close to my face now
— I leaned away again. He was right, I shouldn’t be sorry,
he’d bumped into me. He proceeded to mercilessly hit on
me — asking questions, prodding me with compliments —
and didn’t seem to pick up on my lack of interest or desire.
I acted politely, trying to both respond nicely yet appear
uninterested, but it was no use. I continuously turned my
back to him, facing my friends, and he poked
at my exposed shoulders, asking for a phone
number I had already told him I didn’t give
out. When he failed to receive the affirmation
he sought, he began to berate me and made
me feel bad for being uninterested. Some of
my friends got involved, politely asking him
to leave me alone.
Finally, before relocating to another bar, I
said “I’m sorry, I’m just not interested right
now. See you around.”
I’m sure many women in Rick’s and other
bars like it had similar experiences on that
night, in past nights and will have them in
the nights to follow. I couldn’t understand
what gave him, a stranger, the agency to
speak to me in a derogatory, patronizing
way. Furthermore, the interaction triggered
a thought: What would happen if women
spoke to men in this way –– refusing no
for an answer, calling a stranger “baby,”
“sweetheart” or “sexy” and subsequently
getting angry at them when they appear
uninterested. What if women did this to
men at bars or otherwise? Would they apologize
to us politely as I just had, even when being harassed?
Probably not. We would be labeled “psychopath,” “crazy”
or even “bitch.”
Though it may seem trivial, the difference in
communication style between men and women,
especially when they communicate with each other, is a
much larger issue than just a run-in at a college bar. One
could argue that these gendered behaviors permeate
everyday life for women in both social and professional
spheres. Along with the tolerance for the misbehavior of
men toward women.
In 2014, Jill Abramson, editor in chief of The New York
Times, was fired on an unknown basis. Many speculated
she was let go due to pushy and abrasive tactics in the
newsroom: the way she spoke to employees. However,
the widely agreed upon reason for her firing was that
Abramson brought the issue of unequal pay –– between
herself and her predecessor Bill Keller –– to the attention
of The New York Times and was subsequently fired.
Whatever the true reason, gender has been closely linked
to the case and many women in the newsroom have
decided it was a driving reason for her getting fired.
Situations like this one showcase subtle sexism and

the microaggressions toward women. These types
of microaggressions have been studied by social
scientist Madeline E. Heilman who splits this type of
gendered workplace bias into two forms.
The first is the descriptive stereotype, which
preemptively allots different characteristics to women
such as emotional, soft, sensitive and sweet. Heilman
describes the result of the descriptive stereotypes in the
workplace as a woman being treated differently due to a
“lack of fit,” meaning a woman’s supposed-personality
not fitting with the needs of the role, one which would be
typically held by a man.
Conversely, men are seen as objective, assertive and
rational in positions of power in the workplace and can
behave as such within flexible boundaries. If a woman
speaks in a bold tone — one that a man could exert in the
same position of power — it would be seen as unfit to her
stereotypically feminine, soft nature and result in a firing
like Abramson’s.

The other workplace bias of prescriptive stereotype
takes shape when women hold positions of power
formerly or commonly held by men. These women are
then seen out of their prescribed place in society and are
judged for not acting compassionately. Male counterparts
and media will then label her as a “bitch” whereas a man
would be lauded for the same behavior.
Traits that are received positively in men in positions
of power — even abrasive and commandeering tactics —
are received negatively in women and oftentimes lead to
them being called a bitch by coworkers and the media,
rather than a powerful, erudite force to be reckoned with.
Abramson, Hillary Clinton, Madeleine Albright and
even Ruth Bader Ginsburg have all been subject to such
name-calling and disrespect because they’re motivated,
ambitious figures of authority. Perhaps they don’t
showcase soft femininity in the ways they’re “supposed”
to, but that does not warrant the offensive and inaccurate
term “bitch.”
Deborah Tannen, a linguist at Georgetown University,
actively studies what she’s coined the “Hillary Factor.”
She’s interested in how unfeminine leaders are perceived
in society. If women are being called things like

“bossy,” “cruel,” “mean-spirited,” “combative,” “rude,”
“impossible” and “brusque” — to name a few terms —
how many fewer women will seek out positions of power
for fear of being called bossy or worse by their male
counterparts?
The gendered issue of stark communication differences
trickles down to everyday life. Women are taught
implicitly by society to make themselves smaller in large
lecture settings and even small discussion sections in
universities — to be spoken over or spoken at, opposed to
in conjunction with. We apologize if we inconvenience a
man, even if it isn’t an inconvenience; from bumping into
someone on the street to declining sexual or romantic
advancements.
The patronizing way in which women are spoken to by
men and the way women have been conditioned to speak
has become such a prevalent issue that it has caught the
attention of brands like the creators of Barbie, Mattel,
Inc. Barbie’s new online vlog forum, Mattel Inc. released
a vlog called “The Sorry Reflex.” In the video,
Barbie teaches young women how to navigate
social and professional spheres without using
the word sorry when it isn’t necessary to say
it. In the vlog, Barbie says, “I think there’s a
bigger issue with the word sorry. Especially
with girls. We say it a lot.” Eventually, “Sorry
is a learned reflex.”
The issue of gendered communication is
clearly prevalent if Barbie, a brand of dolls
targeted to 3-to-6-year-old girls, is addressing
the issue to toddlers.
Behind everyday language lies expectations
of behavior and persona in the workplace and
otherwise: When women are assertive and
bold, it doesn’t fit what is expected of us. We
teach girls to physically shrink themselves
smaller, to always say yes, to lead with grace
and sweetness and to be flirtatious and coy. At
the same time, we are not to be too assertive
and cannot give too much away.
Conversely, we teach boys to fight, to be
aggressive and bold and to claim leadership.
The way in which men speak to and treat
women is important. The question remains: In
the grand scheme of issues troubling our nation, should
this be at the forefront of what we’d like to change? The
answer is yes. Though many of us do not think before
we speak, communication affects the entire structure
of our society and how women are spoken to on a daily
basis further supports the patriarchy. Women have been
conditioned to acquiesce, because if we don’t there will
be consequences ranging from something as minor as
name-calling and embarrassment in a crowded college
bar, to something as extreme as being fired from a job.
Saying “sorry” to the man in Rick’s and feeling guilty
about declining his advances isn’t a groundbreaking
experience. Unfortunately, it’s rather common. But what
it does teach us, albeit subliminally, is that as women, we
are expected to be subordinate to men in every situation.
An unwarranted “sorry” at a bar or club quickly turns into
this behavior at work, in intimate personal relationships
and beyond. We must teach our sons to treat women
with respect as the equals we are. We must teach our
daughters that it is okay to be the bossy Barbie — to be
fierce and bold and authoritative. Next time, instead of
saying sorry, say thank you for understanding.

3B

Wednesday, January 22, 2020 // The Statement
3B

BY ELI RALLO, STATEMENT COLUMNIST
The truth behind “sorry”

ILLUSTRATION BY TAYLOR SCHOTT

I thought I’d aged out of this years ago. I’m sitting criss-cross-applesauce in my apartment while my roommate
straightens my hair. The brush catches my hair knots and pulls my head back like the boys in my elementary
school used to do, though it wasn’t because they liked me.
The hair situation isn’t going as planned. My curls are beginning to spring back from stress sweat, either caused
by the fact that I’m going to a dance with a stranger or the fear that I won’t fit in with the crowd. I have less than
20 minutes to figure out how I can turn my curly hair, acne and glasses into something remotely resembling a

The voices we value

BY MEGHANN NORDEN-BRIGHT, STATEMENT COLUMNIST

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