The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com
b-side
Thursday, October 3, 2019 — 3B

Does anyone else remember an online 
rumor that claimed Devon Werkheiser, 
most famous for playing Ned on “Ned’s 
Declassified School Survival Guide,” was 
6’ 3’’? No? Well I do, and turns out it’s 
false. He’s 5’ 9’’, and his voice has not 
gotten any deeper since 2007. And he wears 
neckerchiefs unironically now. What does 
this have to do with anything? Something! 
Because this week, we’re talking paper over 
at The Michigan Daily Arts section! And 
what is the most famous collection of paper 
on television? No, not Joel Osteen’s Bible 
— it’s Ned’s sick camouflage composition 
notebook.
Although I would have liked to bring 
you the kind of content you deserve today 
(Top 10 James “Cookie” Cook Moments 
or a deeper analysis into what the blonde 
basketball kid did for white players in the 
NBA), I must redirect to investigate. Why is 
“Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide” 
impossible to find online? Of all of the 
shows to be pirated online, I thought that 
for sure “Ned’s” would be an easy find. It 
ran nearly two decades ago for three short 
seasons and never racked up that many Kids’ 
Choice Awards. It wasn’t a network darling 
like “iCarly” or “Spongebob Squarepants,” 
so I could not imagine why protecting its 
distribution online would be a top priority. 
But, after looking through almost every 
streaming platform and through several 
misleading YouTube playlists, I could only 
find the pilot episode on Dailymotion, the 
Yahoo of video-sharing websites.
In keeping with the theme, there’s just 
no paper trail. Get it? Please applaud me.
Hear me out on this, but I think 
Nickelodeon might be trying to bury 
the show. It wouldn’t be the first time 
they tried to wipe good shows from our 
memory. Remember “ChalkZone?” Your 
subconscious does.
“Ned’s 
Declassified 
School 
Survival 
Guide” was created by showrunner Scott 
Fellows, a man with a storied history at 
Nickelodeon. In addition to serving as the 
head writer on “The Fairly OddParents” 
for a number of years, he also created “Big 
Time Rush.” Direct your hate mail to him. 
I bring up the B-list boyband specifically 
because their show, in its entirety, is 
currently available on Hulu. “Big Time 
Rush” was never that successful before 
the dawn of One Direction, and especially 
not after, so I have to wonder, why did 
executives at Nickelodeon choose that 
show to be streamed and remembered and 
not the show that gave us Coconut Head 
and Backpack Boy? In a lot of ways the 
shows are very similar, despite one being 
about a boy-band of hockey players from 

Minnesota and the other following the 
everyday lives of middle schoolers. Both 
shows share the same farcical humor, 
and both shows’ rapid-fire sound effects 
contributed to my short attention span. So 
why the preference?
In a lot of ways the streaming world 
could benefit from a show like “Ned’s 
Declassified 
School 
Survival 
Guide.” 
Kids these days need substance, and Ned 
delivered good, clean fun that the whole 
family could enjoy. Maybe, just maybe, if 
Ned Bigby was available to Generation Z, 
TikTok wouldn’t be getting so big. Just a 
thought. If this reflection on paper has 
done anything for you, I hope it inspires 
you to write your local congressman and 
demand that “Ned’s Declassified School 
Survival Guide” be resurrected for online 
consumption.
P.S. Did you know Moze and Ned totally 
dated in real life?

Be brave enough to never
forget ‘Ned’s Declassified’

ALLY OWENS
Daily TV Editor

NICKELODEON

Paper can burn, but the feelings it gave us 
don’t turn to ash that easily. Honor true love by 
rejecting materialism — who needs diamonds 
anyway?

B-SIDE: TV NOTEBOOK

What is Paper Magazine? The simplistic covers 
leave everything to the imagination. There are no 
headlines, simply a celebrity’s brooding face and a title 
for the issue, and that’s it, that’s the cover. Given the 
industry convention of catchy titles hinting at how 
to have an orgasm, why does Paper still manage to 
capture our attention?
Obviously, the magazine’s covers grab attention, 
but beyond that, what makes them different from 
other 
fashion 
magazines? 
Among 
the 
typical 
coverage of celebrities and pop culture, the magazine 
has highlighted Colin Kaepernick’s “Know Your 
Rights Camp” in a series of 10 interviews curated by 
Kaepernick himself. Though the set of articles was 
released in August, the magazine still highlights all ten 
through a tab on their homepage. Rather than letting 
Kaepernick’s conversation lapse, like most outlets tend 
to do, Paper has made sure their readers are reminded 
of these issues every time they’re looking for the latest 
fashion trends.

Or maybe it’s the people behind the magazine that 
keep us hooked. Kim Hastreiter and Drew Elliott 
started the New York-based publication in 1984 and 
for the past 35 years it has managed to stay relevant. 
Hastreiter, according to a profile by The New York 
Times, is an editor like no other. She’s one of the most 
influential people in the city, but that doesn’t stop her 
from eating dinner with her intern, or whoever she 
senses might be the next big thing in art. She’s a flexible 
personality spanning all aspects of culture in the city, 
a persona that manifests itself in the magazine. But 
she’s not alone. Drew Elliott, her co-founder, was the 
one who wanted to create the Kim Kardashian cover 
that would eventually bring 50 million views to the 
website in one day. Elliott has been quoted as saying 
he’d sooner look at Disney than Vogue when looking 
for ways to expand the brand (a sharp observation, 
considering the media event that was Spider-Man 
having to leave the MCU this past summer).
Even as the magazine intends to remain cutting-
edge, Paper is still a fashion and contemporary media 
outlet. As such, coverage of Kylie Jenner’s latest illness 
and Bella Thorne’s new porn award are mixed in 
with West Coast artists exploring the importance of 
accepting our bodies. Striking this balance between 
the “pop” and “culture” of a pop culture publication 
is what sets Paper apart from magazines like 
Cosmopolitan or even Vogue. With a separate tab 
simply labeled “Art,” Paper doesn’t force its readers to 
sift through mounds of articles and graphics. Instead, 
it’s an easy grab straight from the homepage.
Whatever your thoughts are about Paper Magazine, 
there’s no doubt that the publication knows how to 
captivate an audience. From their enigmatic editors to 
a diverse level of content, the role Paper plays in the 
world of fashion is pivotal — it puts activists, celebrities 
and brand-new artists on the same level. Paper 
endeavors to tear down whatever arbitrary walls we 
encounter in most pop culture publications, instead 
opting to create a world where everyone is anyone and 
an assistant can rub elbows with the likes of Rihanna.

Paper cuts with Paper Mag

EMMA CHANG
Senior Arts Editor

B-SIDE: STYLE NOTEBOOK

It is easy to view love as materialistic. A day 
meant to celebrate it is associated with outlandish 
gifts and gaudy chocolate boxes. The proposal 
that starts the rest of your life is linked forever to 
an expensive gem, and the wedding that proceeds 
that proposal can rack up a pretty hefty price tag. 
When romance is portrayed on TV or in movies, it is 
accompanied by expensive dinner dates with fading 
candle light or Tiffany boxes stuffed secretly in a 
loved one’s jacket pocket. Given all of this, it may 
seem to the cynical eye that the meaning of love 
is to buy, to indulge, to show off. Perhaps I am an 
optimist, but I believe it’s quite the opposite.
There is a long list of gifts that traditionally 
coincide with a wedding anniversary. The fifth year 
is wood, 10th is tin, 15th is crystal and so on. Among 
this list, there is one material that sticks out the 
most to me — paper. That is the medium suggested 
for a first anniversary wedding gift. Plain old, 
traditional paper. Upon further investigation, paper 
as a first anniversary present is meant to represent 
the fragility of the young relationship. Well, no 
offense to whatever Old English town crier declared 
that, but they made some glaring mistakes.
Who dares to suggest the first year is when the 
couple is at their most fragile? I would have to 
argue that it’s the fifth, when a routine has been 
established, or maybe the 20th, when the kids have 
moved away and there is nothing but empty silence 
to fill the house anymore. But the first? Waking up 
on my first-ever first anniversary was like being a 
child at Christmas again. In the time the Earth 
completed her long orbit around the sun, I had 
found my own source of warmth — nothing about 
it felt breakable.
Paper does not constitute fragility, but strength. 
Strength to put your feelings and thoughts down 
on a page. Strength to be vulnerable and to share 
that with someone else. It is inherently romantic. 
Whether it’s the way a new book smells the first 
time you crack the spine or the feeling of a new pen 
gliding over crisp parchment, there is love in every 
detail.
As I sit in my bedroom writing this piece, I am 
surrounded by little slips of adoration. Taped onto 
my wall above me are cards from someone I love 

— silly designs printed on folds that open to reveal 
affection scrawled in ballpoint pen. On my bedside 
table is an impromptu poem given to my mother 
about her children, written out by a typewriter. “No 
contract attached / Signed my name on your sweet 
bones / Vowed to love always.” To my side are rows 
of pictures. Moments frozen in time, printed on a 
glossy piece of paper to reflect on and remember. 
Posters of my favorite lyrics, a business card of a 
restaurant that reminds me of my grandparents, 
photostrips catching me at my most candid. I am 
surrounded by paper, and in turn, surrounded by 
love.
Will paper ever be eradicated? Maybe in 
production, but never in meaning. Paper connects 
us to loves lost and loves found and loves soon to 
be. I can hold in my hands the wedding invitation 
for my grandparents. I can flip through a scrapbook 
documenting my childhood. I can open a book 
yellowed with age and see the markings of a hundred 
that read it before me. So is paper really the most 
mediocre of materials? Is it really only a gift to give 
with someone you may not be with the next year? 
Paper can burn, but the feelings it gave us don’t 
turn to ash that easily. Honor true love by rejecting 
materialism — who needs diamonds anyway?

I love you, here’s some paper

SAMANTHA DELLA FERA
Senior Arts Editor

B-SIDE: PERSONAL NOTEBOOK

Hear me out on 
this, but I think 
Nickelodeon might 
be trying to bury the 
show. It wouldn’t be 
the first time they 
tried to wipe good 
shows from our 
memory: Remember 
“ChalkZone”?

In keeping with the theme, there’s just no 
paper trail. Get it? Please applaud me.

Who dares to suggest 
the first year is when 
the couple is at their 
most fragile?

Obviously, the magazine’s 
covers grab attention, but 
beyond that, what makes 
them different from other 
fashion magazines?

