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FOR RENT
By Blake Slonecker
©2019 Tribune Content Agency, LLC
02/13/19
Los Angeles Times Daily Crossword Puzzle
Edited by Rich Norris and Joyce Nichols Lewis
02/13/19
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE:
Release Date: Wednesday, February 13, 2019
ACROSS
1 Lamb bearers
5 Common Vegas
hotel room
amenities
10 Tea holders
14 Herod sent them
to Bethlehem
15 Full of energy
16 __ Day: Bayer
vitamin brand
17 Faction
18 Cook’s reply to
37-Across?
20 Nightmarish
street of film
21 Gimlet garnish
22 Dr. Reid in
“Criminal Minds,”
familiarly
23 Librarian’s reply
to 37-Across?
26 Double Stuf treats
27 “That’s __ to me”
28 “__ and the Real
Girl”: 2007 film
30 Operatic solos
32 Spook
34 Animal house
37 Insomniac’s
lament
40 Canadian singer
DeMarco
41 Of help
42 Slugger Barry
43 Big fusses
44 Remnant
45 Buffalo NHL
player
48 Trainer’s reply to
37-Across?
53 Photographer
Alda married to
Alan
55 Prefix with pit or
pool
56 Classic auto
57 Auditor’s reply to
37-Across?
59 Flamboyant Dame
60 Word spoken con
affetto
61 Arroz con __:
chicken dish
62 Horseback rider’s
control
63 Globes
64 Cake raiser
65 Wilson of Heart
et al.
DOWN
1 Arson evidence,
perhaps
2 Pixar film robot
who falls in love
with 8-Down
3 Vanity case?
4 [Not my bad]
5 Misters, in old
India
6 Texas tourist
spot
7 The cops
8 Robot who falls
in love with
2-Down
9 Old salts’ haunts
10 Complexion aids
11 Ridiculous
12 Wafer maker
13 Sushi bar brews
19 Some exercise
tops
21 Torts enrollee
24 Actor James or
singer Jimmy
25 1971 Sutherland
title role
29 Chilean year
30 Intent or intend
31 Nipper’s label
32 Bank job
33 NHL’s
Thrashers
34 Meditation setting
with rocks and
gravel
35 Exhaustive ref.
36 Black __
38 Sporty ’60s
Pontiac
39 MGM mogul
Marcus
43 Stadiums
44 Totalitarian
leader
45 Vanzetti’s partner
46 Like Times
Square on New
Year’s Eve
47 Book jacket
entry
49 Swift Northeast
train
50 Ship stabilizers
51 Red Square
honoree
52 34-Down
teaching aids
54 Athlete’s
award
58 Row maker
59 Pitcher’s stat
Valentine’s Day is a day
invented
by
the
capitalist
patriarchy to ensure single
girls feel sad and alone one day
a year. Well — news flash — we
always feel sad and alone. I
know it is tempting, but please,
for the sake of humanity do not
watch the movie “Valentine’s
Day” this Valentine’s Day. On
the surface it seems apropos,
I mean the movie is basically
instructing you when and how
to watch it. When being on
Valentine’s Day and how is by
yourself and buried in Hershey
Kisses wrappers. But really
there is no good time to watch
“Valentine’s Day” because it
is the worst. It was the first
and last time Taylor Swift was
ever in a movie because “The
Giver” does not count. But it
was also how a) Taylor met
Taylor (Lautner) and started
their
Taylor-filled
Taylor-
multuous relationship and b)
gave us the ballad that is “Back
to December.”
Also, let’s just talk about how
everyone is in this movie but
no one is good. It’s like if you
make pie and fill it with things
that individually taste good,
then mix them all together
in a dough of weak plot and
flimsy characters. It will taste
like a Nicholas Cage movie.
Yeah, I like cookie dough and
I like chicken nuggets, but
I would never put them in
a pie together. Even if Julia
Roberts and Bradley Cooper
become plane friends in your
pie or Anne Hathaway plays
a phone-sex operator in your
pie or Ashton Kutcher lovingly
delivers flowers to women who
are not Mila Kunis in your
pie, it won’t make the pie taste
good. And it certainly won’t
encourage you to make another
pie for another holiday (cough,
cough “New Year’s Eve”). So,
dear reader, here are some
suggestions of things you can
do this Valentine’s Day that
doesn’t include watching the
movie “Valentine’s Day.”
Poke your eyes out with a
Command hook. Then reapply
the Command hook to the wall
for its purpose of holding your
bathrobe.
Watch
sports.
They’re
literally always on.
Experiment with Satanism.
Create a dating app for dogs.
Write
the
next
great
American novel. Like it’s hard?
Become an ASMR YouTube
sensation.
Date Noah Centineo and have
a very public, very dramatic
breakup.
Organize your desktop.
Text
your
crush
a
questionably suggestive meme.
Discover a deadly species of
spider and name it after your ex.
Drink blood.
Ask your parents if you were
an accident.
Start communicating only
via carrier pigeon.
Find your long lost twin at
summer camp and switch places
to mess with Dennis Quaid.
Look up pictures of Dennis
Quaid. He has still got it
Watch all 275 episodes of
“Cheers.”
Contemplate the existence of
an afterlife.
Create a shrine to Adam
Driver in your closet. But you
should do this anyways.
Pose nude for an art class
filled with your crushes.
Do stand-up comedy.
Replace all the faces in the
Vatican with Chrissy Teigen
grimacing at the 2016 Oscar’s.
Befriend a quirky inventor,
witness his murder and then
travel back in time to ensure
that your parents boink.
Fuck
it,
just
watch
“Valentine’s Day.”
What to do on Valentine’s
Day: Don’t watch the film
DAILY HUMOR COLUMN
BECKY
PORTMAN
Middle school is the apex of
discomfort. It is three years
of
magnified
displeasure
and embarrassment, most of
which
are
psychologically
repressed and buried deep
within our psyche — which
makes it all the more baffling
that someone would not only
suggest to revisit it, but also
magnify how uncomfortable it
is. Whatever their reasoning,
they managed to convince a
few other unfortunate souls.
The terrifying, disturbing and
depressing result is “PEN15.”
The
show
follows
two
friends, Maya (Maya Erskine,
“Betas”)
and
Anna
(Anna
Konkle,
“Rosewood”),
as
they start the seventh grade
together. The catch? Maya
and Anna are played by adults,
while the rest of the cast
are acutal children (because
that
won’t
make
anyone
uncomfortable, right?). The
premiere, “First Day,” shows
their disastrous first day. The
school lockers are plastered
with “Dustin hearts Maya”
and “Brandt hearts Maya”
written on notebook paper.
While Maya is at first lured
into
believing
these
boys
“like-like” her, she is duped
by the wicked popular kids,
who christen her that year’s
UGIS
—
the
Ugliest
Girl
In School. In the end, she
challenges
Brandt
(Jonah
Beres, “Strange Nature”) to
a trash-talking competition,
where she almost stands up
for herself. In the end, she
claims
his
uncircumcised
penis is the reason why his
dad died. Yikes.
For a comedy about the
struggle
of
navigating
pubescent politics, “PEN15”
cannot even muster a chuckle.
Most of the jokes operate off
of Erskine and Konkle’s air-
headed characters. However,
their acting is so insufferable
— their voices so irritating —
that all the jokes land closer
to the side of pity than humor.
It really is embarrassing to
watch these two suspiciously
youthful-looking
women
attempt to imitate middle
schoolers. Their classmates —
who are all played by children
— are just as bad at acting. At
least they have an excuse.
Which brings me to the
dynamic Erskine and Konkle
share with their co-stars. One
stereotype of middle school
the show nails is the flirting
and
note-passing
occuring
between children who are
beginning to understand their
sexualities. “PEN15” does not
shy away from incorporating
the
strange
way
children
attempt to interact with one
another. But, adult actors in
their 30s flirting with child
actors is simply unpleasant.
As child-like as Erskine and
Konkle might seem, they still
visibly look like adults, braces
or not.
For as much as the show
lacks
direction
or
humor,
it
also
lacks
conscience.
The
aforementioned
scene
wherein
Maya
says
that
Brandt’s
uncircumcised
penis is the reason why his
dad died stands out for how
uncomfortably
shocking
it
was. Even worse, Maya suffers
absolutely zero consequences
for this. Brandt cries. Maya
runs away. Then the next
night, when Maya asks Anna
if she was being too harsh,
Anna asserts that no, she was
not. Instead, Maya gets to
erase her name off the UGIS
list in the boys bathroom for a
triumphant win.
If there’s anything “PEN15”
does well, it’s capture the
atmosphere of middle school.
The
awkward
clothing
choices,
the
uncertainty
about bras, passing notes and
the strange way tweens and
pre-teens talk to each other
are
all
expertly
captured
here. Even the soundtrack
is full of 2000s alt-classics.
But “PEN15” also emulates
the reason we’d like to forget
middle school ever existed.
The show is uncomfortable,
disturbing
and
unsettling.
The
two
lead
actresses
are so almost like middle
schoolers — and yet so far
— that it errs too close into
the territory of the uncanny
valley. If it was at least funny,
there might be something to
spare. But it isn’t. Instead,
“PEN15” belongs in the land
of psychologically repressed
memories, never to resurface.
‘PEN15’ is grossly uncomfy
and relatively unwatchable
‘PEN15’
Hulu
Series Premiere
Now Streaming
Not
all
movies
need
sequels. Movies whose entire
premises are based around
huge twists really don’t need
sequels. It’s a shame then
that 2014’s “The Lego Movie”
simply made too much money
to condemn it to only child
status. “The Lego Movie 2:
The Second Part” attempts
to live up to the high bar set
by the original, but stumbles
mightily along the way.
Picking up right where the
first film left off, returning
writers
Phil
Lord
and
Christopher Miller (“Spider-
Man: Into the Spider-Verse”)
waste no time at all dropping
the audience right back into
the world of normal-special
guy Emmet and his various
LEGO-based
friends.
The
animation is still brisk and
colorful. The characters are
still funny and charming.
The ending is arguably just
as emotionally resonant as
the first film’s. And yet,
despite all of that, something
never quite feels right with
this second chapter of the
brick-based film franchise.
Maybe it’s the fact that a
huge part of what the first
film so successful was the
shocking originality of it.
When the original “Lego
Movie” was first announced
it was assumed it would
be nothing more than a 90
minute commercial for toys,
and while it was that to a
degree, it was also a well-
told story about creativity,
fathers and sons and the pain
of growing up. “The Lego
Movie 2” goes all-in on the
meta
fourth-wall-breaking
twist that defined the ending
of “The Lego Movie.” But,
you can’t do the same gag
twice, and the film feels half
baked and empty because of
it.
The plot is extraordinarily
simple, even for a kids movie.
After his friends are captured
by the seemingly evil aliens
of the “Systar System” Chris
Pratt’s dweeby Emmet must
team up with a parody of
Chris Pratt’s more recent
action
hero
characters
(such
as
Star-Lord
of
“Guardians of the Galaxy”)
in order to rescue them
before
“Ourmomageddon”
is unleashed. The villain of
the first film was the father.
It’s not hard to see where
“The Lego Movie 2” is going.
Unlike the first movie, the
writers never appear to be
exactly keeping their cards
close to their chest. The main
plot drags on and on, with
none of the main characters
seeming to have quite enough
to do. Wyldstyle (Elizabeth
Banks,
“Pitch
Perfect
3”), Batman (Will Arnett,
“Arrested
Development”)
and Emmet’s other friends
spend most of the movie
trapped
in
the
Systar
System
without
anything
interesting to do. Emmet
himself
mostly
meanders
around the LEGO cosmic
universe without much of an
urgency to his actions or a
clear path to achieving his
goal. The gag of Chris Pratt
playing different versions
of himself is funny at first
but
wears
thin
quickly,
and like the other third act
twists, its denouncement is
predictable.
Musical numbers abound,
much more so than were
previously present. While
these
numbers
are
all
fairly interesting in and of
themselves, they stop the
narrative
completely
in
its tracks. The film never
totally justifies its decision
to become a half-musical,
and although there is a
reason for it in-story, it’s
an open question whether
this particular LEGO movie
might have been better off
if they had just gone all the
way with it and made “The
Lego Movie: The Musical.”
As it stands, this second
Lego movies that we do have
accurately reflects with it
is like for children to play
with Lego, because the story
comes across as though it
was
completely
made
up
as its writers went along.
Thematically it doesn’t tie
together nearly as well as the
original “Lego Movie” and
many characters feel lost in
the shuffle. The potential
and enormity of the world
that existed in “The Lego
Movie” is gone. The spark is
dead: onto the next one.
‘Lego Movie 2’ was dull
‘The Lego
Movie 2: The
Second Part’
Warner Bros.
Ann Arbor 20+ IMAXw
MAXWELL SCHWARZ
Daily Arts Wrtier
FILM REVIEW
WARNER BROS.
IAN HARRIS
Daily Arts Wrtier
TV REVIEW
The school
lockers are
plastered with
“Dustin hearts
Maya” and
“Brandt hearts
Maya” written
on notebook
paper
6A — Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Arts
The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com