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FOR RENT

By Blake Slonecker
©2019 Tribune Content Agency, LLC
02/13/19

Los Angeles Times Daily Crossword Puzzle

Edited by Rich Norris and Joyce Nichols Lewis

02/13/19

ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE:

Release Date: Wednesday, February 13, 2019

ACROSS
1 Lamb bearers
5 Common Vegas 
hotel room 
amenities
10 Tea holders
14 Herod sent them 
to Bethlehem
15 Full of energy
16 __ Day: Bayer 
vitamin brand
17 Faction
18 Cook’s reply to 
37-Across?
20 Nightmarish 
street of film
21 Gimlet garnish
22 Dr. Reid in 
“Criminal Minds,” 
familiarly
23 Librarian’s reply 
to 37-Across?
26 Double Stuf treats
27 “That’s __ to me”
28 “__ and the Real 
Girl”: 2007 film
30 Operatic solos
32 Spook
34 Animal house
37 Insomniac’s 
lament
40 Canadian singer 
DeMarco
41 Of help
42 Slugger Barry
43 Big fusses
44 Remnant
45 Buffalo NHL 
player
48 Trainer’s reply to 
37-Across?
53 Photographer 
Alda married to 
Alan
55 Prefix with pit or 
pool
56 Classic auto
57 Auditor’s reply to 
37-Across?
59 Flamboyant Dame
60 Word spoken con 
affetto
61 Arroz con __: 
chicken dish
62 Horseback rider’s 
control
63 Globes
64 Cake raiser
65 Wilson of Heart 
et al.

DOWN
1 Arson evidence, 
perhaps

2 Pixar film robot 
who falls in love 
with 8-Down
3 Vanity case?
4 [Not my bad]
5 Misters, in old 
India
6 Texas tourist 
spot
7 The cops
8 Robot who falls 
in love with 
2-Down
9 Old salts’ haunts
10 Complexion aids
11 Ridiculous
12 Wafer maker
13 Sushi bar brews
19 Some exercise 
tops
21 Torts enrollee
24 Actor James or 
singer Jimmy
25 1971 Sutherland 
title role
29 Chilean year
30 Intent or intend
31 Nipper’s label
32 Bank job
33 NHL’s 
Thrashers
34 Meditation setting 
with rocks and 
gravel

35 Exhaustive ref.
36 Black __
38 Sporty ’60s 
Pontiac
39 MGM mogul 
Marcus
43 Stadiums
44 Totalitarian 
leader
45 Vanzetti’s partner
46 Like Times 
Square on New 
Year’s Eve

47 Book jacket 
entry
49 Swift Northeast 
train
50 Ship stabilizers
51 Red Square 
honoree
52 34-Down 
teaching aids
54 Athlete’s 
award
58 Row maker
59 Pitcher’s stat

Valentine’s Day is a day 
invented 
by 
the 
capitalist 
patriarchy to ensure single 
girls feel sad and alone one day 
a year. Well — news flash — we 
always feel sad and alone. I 
know it is tempting, but please, 
for the sake of humanity do not 
watch the movie “Valentine’s 
Day” this Valentine’s Day. On 
the surface it seems apropos, 
I mean the movie is basically 
instructing you when and how 
to watch it. When being on 
Valentine’s Day and how is by 
yourself and buried in Hershey 
Kisses wrappers. But really 
there is no good time to watch 
“Valentine’s Day” because it 
is the worst. It was the first 
and last time Taylor Swift was 
ever in a movie because “The 
Giver” does not count. But it 
was also how a) Taylor met 
Taylor (Lautner) and started 
their 
Taylor-filled 
Taylor-
multuous relationship and b) 
gave us the ballad that is “Back 
to December.”
Also, let’s just talk about how 
everyone is in this movie but 
no one is good. It’s like if you 
make pie and fill it with things 
that individually taste good, 
then mix them all together 
in a dough of weak plot and 
flimsy characters. It will taste 
like a Nicholas Cage movie. 
Yeah, I like cookie dough and 
I like chicken nuggets, but 
I would never put them in 

a pie together. Even if Julia 
Roberts and Bradley Cooper 
become plane friends in your 
pie or Anne Hathaway plays 
a phone-sex operator in your 
pie or Ashton Kutcher lovingly 
delivers flowers to women who 
are not Mila Kunis in your 

pie, it won’t make the pie taste 
good. And it certainly won’t 
encourage you to make another 
pie for another holiday (cough, 
cough “New Year’s Eve”). So, 
dear reader, here are some 
suggestions of things you can 
do this Valentine’s Day that 
doesn’t include watching the 
movie “Valentine’s Day.”
Poke your eyes out with a 
Command hook. Then reapply 
the Command hook to the wall 
for its purpose of holding your 
bathrobe.
Watch 
sports. 
They’re 
literally always on.
Experiment with Satanism.
Create a dating app for dogs.

Write 
the 
next 
great 
American novel. Like it’s hard?
Become an ASMR YouTube 
sensation.
Date Noah Centineo and have 
a very public, very dramatic 
breakup. 
Organize your desktop.
Text 
your 
crush 
a 
questionably suggestive meme.
Discover a deadly species of 
spider and name it after your ex.
Drink blood.
Ask your parents if you were 
an accident.
Start communicating only 
via carrier pigeon.
Find your long lost twin at 
summer camp and switch places 
to mess with Dennis Quaid.
Look up pictures of Dennis 
Quaid. He has still got it
Watch all 275 episodes of 
“Cheers.”
Contemplate the existence of 
an afterlife.
Create a shrine to Adam 
Driver in your closet. But you 
should do this anyways.
Pose nude for an art class 
filled with your crushes.
Do stand-up comedy.
Replace all the faces in the 
Vatican with Chrissy Teigen 
grimacing at the 2016 Oscar’s. 
Befriend a quirky inventor, 
witness his murder and then 
travel back in time to ensure 
that your parents boink.
Fuck 
it, 
just 
watch 
“Valentine’s Day.”

What to do on Valentine’s 
Day: Don’t watch the film

DAILY HUMOR COLUMN

BECKY 
PORTMAN

Middle school is the apex of 
discomfort. It is three years 
of 
magnified 
displeasure 
and embarrassment, most of 
which 
are 
psychologically 
repressed and buried deep 
within our psyche — which 
makes it all the more baffling 
that someone would not only 
suggest to revisit it, but also 
magnify how uncomfortable it 
is. Whatever their reasoning, 
they managed to convince a 
few other unfortunate souls. 
The terrifying, disturbing and 
depressing result is “PEN15.”
The 
show 
follows 
two 
friends, Maya (Maya Erskine, 
“Betas”) 
and 
Anna 
(Anna 
Konkle, 
“Rosewood”), 
as 
they start the seventh grade 
together. The catch? Maya 
and Anna are played by adults, 
while the rest of the cast 
are acutal children (because 

that 
won’t 
make 
anyone 
uncomfortable, right?). The 
premiere, “First Day,” shows 
their disastrous first day. The 
school lockers are plastered 
with “Dustin hearts Maya” 
and “Brandt hearts Maya” 
written on notebook paper. 
While Maya is at first lured 
into 
believing 
these 
boys 
“like-like” her, she is duped 
by the wicked popular kids, 
who christen her that year’s 
UGIS 
— 
the 
Ugliest 
Girl 
In School. In the end, she 
challenges 
Brandt 
(Jonah 
Beres, “Strange Nature”) to 
a trash-talking competition, 
where she almost stands up 
for herself. In the end, she 
claims 
his 
uncircumcised 
penis is the reason why his 
dad died. Yikes.
For a comedy about the 
struggle 
of 
navigating 
pubescent politics, “PEN15” 
cannot even muster a chuckle. 
Most of the jokes operate off 
of Erskine and Konkle’s air-
headed characters. However, 
their acting is so insufferable 
— their voices so irritating — 
that all the jokes land closer 
to the side of pity than humor. 
It really is embarrassing to 
watch these two suspiciously 
youthful-looking 
women 
attempt to imitate middle 
schoolers. Their classmates — 
who are all played by children 
— are just as bad at acting. At 
least they have an excuse.
Which brings me to the 
dynamic Erskine and Konkle 
share with their co-stars. One 
stereotype of middle school 
the show nails is the flirting 
and 
note-passing 
occuring 
between children who are 
beginning to understand their 
sexualities. “PEN15” does not 
shy away from incorporating 
the 
strange 
way 
children 
attempt to interact with one 
another. But, adult actors in 
their 30s flirting with child 
actors is simply unpleasant. 
As child-like as Erskine and 
Konkle might seem, they still 
visibly look like adults, braces 
or not.
For as much as the show 

lacks 
direction 
or 
humor, 
it 
also 
lacks 
conscience. 
The 
aforementioned 
scene 
wherein 
Maya 
says 
that 
Brandt’s 
uncircumcised 
penis is the reason why his 
dad died stands out for how 
uncomfortably 
shocking 
it 
was. Even worse, Maya suffers 
absolutely zero consequences 
for this. Brandt cries. Maya 
runs away. Then the next 
night, when Maya asks Anna 
if she was being too harsh, 
Anna asserts that no, she was 
not. Instead, Maya gets to 
erase her name off the UGIS 
list in the boys bathroom for a 
triumphant win.
If there’s anything “PEN15” 
does well, it’s capture the 
atmosphere of middle school. 
The 
awkward 
clothing 
choices, 
the 
uncertainty 
about bras, passing notes and 
the strange way tweens and 
pre-teens talk to each other 
are 
all 
expertly 
captured 
here. Even the soundtrack 
is full of 2000s alt-classics. 
But “PEN15” also emulates 
the reason we’d like to forget 
middle school ever existed. 
The show is uncomfortable, 
disturbing 
and 
unsettling. 
The 
two 
lead 
actresses 
are so almost like middle 
schoolers — and yet so far 
— that it errs too close into 
the territory of the uncanny 
valley. If it was at least funny, 
there might be something to 
spare. But it isn’t. Instead, 
“PEN15” belongs in the land 
of psychologically repressed 
memories, never to resurface.

‘PEN15’ is grossly uncomfy
and relatively unwatchable

‘PEN15’

Hulu

Series Premiere

Now Streaming

Not 
all 
movies 
need 
sequels. Movies whose entire 
premises are based around 
huge twists really don’t need 
sequels. It’s a shame then 
that 2014’s “The Lego Movie” 
simply made too much money 
to condemn it to only child 
status. “The Lego Movie 2: 
The Second Part” attempts 
to live up to the high bar set 
by the original, but stumbles 
mightily along the way.
Picking up right where the 
first film left off, returning 
writers 
Phil 
Lord 
and 
Christopher Miller (“Spider-
Man: Into the Spider-Verse”) 
waste no time at all dropping 
the audience right back into 
the world of normal-special 
guy Emmet and his various 
LEGO-based 
friends. 
The 
animation is still brisk and 
colorful. The characters are 
still funny and charming. 
The ending is arguably just 
as emotionally resonant as 
the first film’s. And yet, 
despite all of that, something 
never quite feels right with 
this second chapter of the 
brick-based film franchise. 
Maybe it’s the fact that a 
huge part of what the first 
film so successful was the 
shocking originality of it. 
When the original “Lego 
Movie” was first announced 
it was assumed it would 
be nothing more than a 90 
minute commercial for toys, 
and while it was that to a 
degree, it was also a well-
told story about creativity, 
fathers and sons and the pain 
of growing up. “The Lego 
Movie 2” goes all-in on the 
meta 
fourth-wall-breaking 
twist that defined the ending 
of “The Lego Movie.” But, 

you can’t do the same gag 
twice, and the film feels half 
baked and empty because of 
it.
The plot is extraordinarily 
simple, even for a kids movie. 
After his friends are captured 
by the seemingly evil aliens 
of the “Systar System” Chris 
Pratt’s dweeby Emmet must 
team up with a parody of 

Chris Pratt’s more recent 
action 
hero 
characters 
(such 
as 
Star-Lord 
of 
“Guardians of the Galaxy”) 
in order to rescue them 
before 
“Ourmomageddon” 
is unleashed. The villain of 
the first film was the father. 
It’s not hard to see where 
“The Lego Movie 2” is going. 
Unlike the first movie, the 
writers never appear to be 
exactly keeping their cards 
close to their chest. The main 
plot drags on and on, with 
none of the main characters 
seeming to have quite enough 
to do. Wyldstyle (Elizabeth 

Banks, 
“Pitch 
Perfect 
3”), Batman (Will Arnett, 
“Arrested 
Development”) 
and Emmet’s other friends 
spend most of the movie 
trapped 
in 
the 
Systar 
System 
without 
anything 
interesting to do. Emmet 
himself 
mostly 
meanders 
around the LEGO cosmic 
universe without much of an 
urgency to his actions or a 
clear path to achieving his 
goal. The gag of Chris Pratt 
playing different versions 
of himself is funny at first 
but 
wears 
thin 
quickly, 
and like the other third act 
twists, its denouncement is 
predictable. 
Musical numbers abound, 
much more so than were 
previously present. While 
these 
numbers 
are 
all 
fairly interesting in and of 
themselves, they stop the 
narrative 
completely 
in 
its tracks. The film never 
totally justifies its decision 
to become a half-musical, 
and although there is a 
reason for it in-story, it’s 
an open question whether 
this particular LEGO movie 
might have been better off 
if they had just gone all the 
way with it and made “The 
Lego Movie: The Musical.” 
As it stands, this second 
Lego movies that we do have 
accurately reflects with it 
is like for children to play 
with Lego, because the story 
comes across as though it 
was 
completely 
made 
up 
as its writers went along. 
Thematically it doesn’t tie 
together nearly as well as the 
original “Lego Movie” and 
many characters feel lost in 
the shuffle. The potential 
and enormity of the world 
that existed in “The Lego 
Movie” is gone. The spark is 
dead: onto the next one.

‘Lego Movie 2’ was dull

‘The Lego 
Movie 2: The 
Second Part’

Warner Bros.

Ann Arbor 20+ IMAXw

MAXWELL SCHWARZ
Daily Arts Wrtier

FILM REVIEW

WARNER BROS.

IAN HARRIS
Daily Arts Wrtier

TV REVIEW

The school 
lockers are 
plastered with 
“Dustin hearts 
Maya” and 
“Brandt hearts 
Maya” written 
on notebook 
paper

6A — Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Arts
The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com

