I 

worked as a software engineer at 
a startup in Ann Arbor over the 
summer, and for the first several 

weeks I was marred with a recognizable 
inner turmoil. I would get a task, try to 
do it, eventually stop making progress 
and then begin to think I was in over my 
head and bound to fail. This overwhelming 
sensation would spread, affecting the 
rest of my work tasks. It would follow me 
home, eventually leading me to question 
my decisions and self-confidence in 
situations beyond work. I might wake up 
the next day feeling dejected because I’m 
not good enough and start my day on the 
wrong foot.

After a month of this cycle, I realized I 

needed to make a change. I had started daily 
meditation a couple years back because of a 
class recommended by a friend — Jazz 450: 
Contemplative Practices. Additionally, I 
had been using a workbook called “The 
Artist’s Way,” by Julia Cameron, for 
the past month in order to improve my 
creativity and become a better writer. 
Both of these pushed me to reconsider my 
idea of self-conception, which ultimately 
pushed me to better my thinking habits. 
The changes I’ve experienced have had a 
huge impact on me, inspiring me to write 
and reflect on them.

Self-conception is a sense of self 

based in one’s beliefs and experiences. It 
affects things like how outgoing we are, 
how we tackle challenges, and how we 
treat ourselves and others. If a person 
believes they aren’t good looking or 
charismatic, then it’s likely they will lack 
the confidence to try things at which 
they might otherwise succeed. Given the 
impact of self-conception, it’s worthy of 
more attention. It’s something that crops 
up from our successes and failures, how 
others have treated us and life events over 
which we have minimal control.

By disassociating from my negative 

thoughts over the past few weeks, I’ve 
been trying to actively engage with my self-
conception. I’ve been searching my past for 
events that have significantly influenced 
me while also using affirmations to 
redirect my self-vision. Two insights have 
led me in this process.

The first insight stemmed from my 

daily mindfulness meditation practice. 
An important part of the practice is the 
ability to recognize thoughts without 
identifying with them, and choosing to 
refocus attention back on the breath. 
When meditators realize they are getting 
distracted by their thoughts, they label 
them “thinking,” “self-doubt,” “future 
to-dos,” “jealousy” and so on; then they 
refocus on the breath. By labeling them 
and choosing to focus on the breath, the 
meditator distances themselves from their 
thoughts.

This brings me to the first insight: I 

can detach my thoughts from my self-

conception. For example, I realized just 
because I had a thought, such as “I’m 
not good enough,” it didn’t mean I had to 
identify with it. A pretty simple realization, 
right? But we’ll see its power in a moment.

The second insight comes from “The 

Artist’s Way”. It provides weekly exercises 
to help the reader nurture and heal their 
creativity. In the first week of using the 
book, I excavated my past to find the 
roots of the beliefs I held about myself, 
my abilities and my motivations. The 
workbook asked me to break my past into 
five-year increments and recall specific 
instances within each time frame that had 
been memorable and formative, whether 
positive or negative.

An important aspect of this self-

excavation is the idea that forgotten past 
experiences are often the roots of one’s self 
image and actions. Unfortunately, a lot of 
these experiences can be negative because 
of humans’ uncanny ability to over-focus 
on negativity. Sometimes these negative 
experiences 
perpetuate 
unconscious 

doubts and beliefs regarding the self.

This exercise helped me uproot self-

incriminating beliefs through affirmations 
and gradual lifestyle changes. This leads to 
the second insight: The underlying beliefs, 
values and assumptions I hold about myself 
and the world can be re-directed, changed 
or abolished. Through this practice, I 
began to interact with the scaffolding 
that defines who I am. This comes with 

the implication that not questioning these 
underlying beliefs leads to not having a say 
in who I am becoming.

Once I connected these ideas and 

realized I had the power to question my 
thoughts, I was able to both separate my 
thoughts from my self-conception, label 
from where the self-doubt came and 
redirect my beliefs. Here’s how it went.

When I was at work, got stuck and had a 

thought of self-doubt, I would take a deep 
breath and think about how 1) I hadn’t 
even failed yet and 2) Even if I did fail, any 
single failure didn’t constitute who I was. 
I didn’t have to identify with the failure. I 
would remind myself of positive qualities I 
did want to identify with, like having grit, 
being optimistic and being resourceful.

I then incorporated self-excavation. I 

searched my past to find the roots of the 
monsters whispering in my ear, “You’re 
not good enough. You’re going to fail,” 
and identified they were connected with 
forgotten memories of a soccer coach 
being too hard on me in high school and 
older teammates telling me I wasn’t good 
enough to be on the team.

Labeling the roots of the issue really 

lightened my mindset on the subject. 
While at work, I had been worried I was 
failing and everyone else thought so too, 
but realizing “everyone” was really just 
thoughts floating around in my head that 
stemmed from past experiences helped me 
loosen the hold of these beliefs.

“I have important things to say.”
“I will move forward; I will land on my 

feet.”

“Being myself will lead to creative 

success.”

“Be calm; take one step at a time.”
These are a few of the affirmations I 

read aloud to myself every morning and 
whenever I felt overwhelmed throughout 
the day. Affirmations are one of the biggest 
steps I’ve been taking toward actively 
engaging with my self-conception.

Now, when I am at work and get 

overwhelmed, I’m able to stay positive, 
keep moving forward as best I can 
and disassociate myself from negative 
thoughts. Sure, I’ll fail sometimes. But 
failures are slowly becoming less of a 
personal problem than a pragmatic issue. 
It’s much easier to pick myself back up 
when I don’t identity with them.

The cool thing about this process is that it 

requires me to think about who I currently 
am, why I am that way and who I want to 
be. Disassociation between thought and 
self helps me to recognize which voices in 
my head I do and don’t want to listen to. 
Self-excavation helps me address issues I 
might otherwise ignore or run away from. 
Affirmations help me engage with myself 
in ways that lead to positive self-growth 
in directions I’ve explicitly determined. 
I believe this process can be used more 
widely, and to help others get on track 
toward happier lives, too.

Wednesday, October 3, 2018 // The Statement 
 
7B

Engaging with my self-conception

BY ETHAN CARTWRIGHT, CONTRIBUTOR

ILLUSTRATION BY VALERIE CHRISTOU
ILLUSTRATION BY VALERIE CHRISTOU 

