3B
Wednesday, January 10, 2018 // The Statement
Let’s Bitch About It: Not all dogs are cute
This column does not reflect the views
of The Michigan Daily and received strong
objections from multiple editors who were
probably offended on behalf of their dogs.
I
f there is one thing I stand by
in this world, it is this: Not all
dogs are cute.
Don’t get me wrong, I love
dogs. I have a dog and she is absolutely
adorable, but that doesn’t mean your
dog is cute. Many people may take
offense to this take — how could I
insult man’s best friend, a creature we
hold so dear? But with this opinion I
must be unapologetic, because there
is a clear hierarchy in the cuteness of
dogs, and if you disagree, you are not
only wrong also but lying to yourself.
Admittedly, I often lie to people and
give out inauthentic “awws” at not-that-
cute dogs, partly out of politeness, but
mostly to avoid an incredibly awkward
argument. I even lie to my friends who
are aware of my specific dog opinions.
It is easier to tell them their dog is top-
tier and gush over photos than it is to
consistently offend them.
You may find my dog ranking system
to be the worst opinion you have ever
heard. You may be personally offended
on behalf of your dog, but on some
level, you probably know that I am
right. I am here to speak the truth in
this column.
Regarding the system itself, it
is impossible to numerically rank
every single dog breed, especially
when considering the variety of dogs
and mixed-breed dogs. Instead, my
system focuses on a three-tier ranking
stratified into top-tier, middle-tier
and bottom-tier dogs. Some dogs
land in between tiers (for example, I
often tell my friends that their dogs
are upper-middle-tier to make them
happy, even if I think their dog is
somewhat ugly).
Bottom-Tier Dogs
My mental image of the typical
bottom-tier
dog
comes
from
one
specific dog: My grandmother’s. This
dog is some sort of ambiguous mix of a
Maltese, Bolognese or Bichon, but the
overall idea is that it is small, white and
ugly. This particular dog is overweight
and incredibly lazy. It wobbles around
my
grandparents’
house
seeking
attention, but I never really want to
pet it because its tarnished white fur
always looks unkempt and dirty.
This model can be applied more
broadly to encapsulate bottom-tier
dogs. Small white dogs tend to be at the
absolute bottom of the list. They are
ugly-looking and often have unfriendly
and lazy personalities, which further
minimize their cuteness.
From this framework, other bottom-
tier dogs can be determined. Size and
personality are weighted heavily in
this classification. For instance, most
terriers, Chihuahuas and Pomeranians
are all clear bottom-tier occupants.
The individual personality of a dog
may improve its standing, but overall
these types of dogs don’t have much
to work with. Their size makes them
more difficult to cuddle and play with.
You could never go hiking or on any
sort of adventure with this type of dog.
And if your dog is inactive, why not just
get a cat?
Middle-Tier Dogs
The middle-tier is the largest and
least-defined sector of this ranking
system. It is easy to throw any dog which
you don’t want to directly call ugly
but is not quite top-tier material into
this middle-tier. Because of this, most
mixed-breed dogs fall here (though
some may still be bottom or top-tier).
Common middle-tier dogs include
beagles, Labradoodles, anything with
cocker spaniel influence and most mid-
size to large shorthaired dogs. Mid-
tier dogs typically tend to be larger,
more active and have a wider range
of personalities. There is also more
hierarchy within the middle-tier itself.
For instance, a pug would be at the
bottom of the middle-tier, a corgi is the
most average dog in existence (Reggie)
and a labradoodle would be near the top
of the middle-tier.
Whereas
many
bottom-tier
dog
owners will admit their dog is not the
best, most people with middle-tier
dogs will personally believe their dog is
among the cutest in the world. These are
the people who most need appeasement
about the cuteness of their dog, and
will constantly show photos to people.
Owners of top-tier dogs can simply
acknowledge a certain level of cuteness
of the middle-tier dog while holding
onto the knowledge of the superiority
of their own dog.
Top-Tier Dogs
The highest tier of dogs is an exclusive
ring tending towards those breeds
with active and smart personalities,
larger dogs with longer hair and more
pointed faces. Classic top-tier dogs
include: golden retrievers, German
shepherds,
huskies,
border
collies
(and other sheepdogs) and Bernese
mountain dogs.
As an owner of a top-tier dog, I can
speak from experience. To know if
you have a top-tier dog ask yourself
this: Do you often see your dog breed
featured in movies or commercials?
Do people genuinely fawn over your
dog pictures, or are they feigning out
of politeness? Is your dog genuinely
intelligent? (For instance, mine knows
a series of complicated tricks and has
an understanding of the world and my
family life.) Does your dog have a good
personality, or is it lazy or rude?
If you answered yes to most of these
questions, you still may not have a top-
tier dog. The top tier is reserved for truly
remarkable dogs, and most people are
not good at subjectively assessing their
dog’s quality. If you really want to know
where your dog falls in the ranking,
follow me on Twitter (@lydiamurray97)
and send me photos of your dog and I
will provide the unfiltered truth.
We have arrived at a culture with
groups like Dogspotting, where we are
expected to react to every dog like it
is a gift to the world. Society expects
us to hold all dogs in some high regard
without any real critical thinking about
the individual quality of each dog.
We act as if all dogs are beautiful and
perfect when in reality many dogs are
fairly average or simply bad. I say we
must reject that model and accept the
world as it is: Not all dogs are cute.
BY LYDIA MURRAY, COLUMNIST
Amelia Cacchione/Daily
Reggie, a solidly middle-tier dog.
ILLUSTRATION BY NATALIE BROWN