3B
Wednesday, November 29, 2017 // The Statement
Soundtracking: Scheduling
I
t’s the most wonderful time of the year …
I’m sitting on my laptop, physically drowning
in papers and assignments, when an email
notification pops up on my phone — not that I
was on my phone instead of doing homework or anything
but this is a judgement-free zone so get off my back. I
swipe down to check out what all the fuss is about in my
inbox. That’s when I see her …
The most beautiful sight I
have ever witnessed. I fell to
my knees. Tears welled up in
my eyes. I finally felt some
warmth in my body that has
been oh so cold for so many
years.
Seven words, four numbers,
26 letters.
“Winter 2018 Course Guide
is now live!”
Nothing Can Change This
Love — Sam Cooke
Scheduling is the only thing
I look forward to all semester.
I
understand
the
irony
because I said the same thing
last semester and the classes
the course guide gave me for
fall 2017 have been sucker-
punching me in the gut and
spitting on my writhing body
for the past 12 weeks but I
stand by my opinion. The
course guide launching is
like Christmas or Hanukkah
or
any
denominational
celebration that takes place
in the winter months. Think
about it. You don’t know what
you’re gonna get, some gifts
are better than others and
making your wishlist is often
more fun and rewarding than
the gifts themselves.
I check my enrollment time
— the ultimate decider that either lifts you to academic
success and mental health or the final nail in your coffin.
“December 4th, 12:45 pm”
Not bad. I text my friends to check if I’m royally
screwed or if I’m in good shape. They respond:
“December 4th, 1:00 pm”
They Won’t Go When I Go — Stevie Wonder
I’m safe. I throw all my other homework aside (as if
I were emotionally invested in it in the first place) and
dive head-first into the course guide. Who would have
thought I was diving into the equivalent of a kiddie pool
with a concrete bottom?
Balancing my major, my minor, the LSA requirements,
academic interests, personal interests, credit load and
sanity is not an easy task. Three hours fly by before you
can say, “Hey, Matt, maybe you should focus on your
assignment due tomorrow instead of scheduling for
classes like a dipshit,” and I finally have one schedule
option that fits all my aforementioned categories.
The golden schedule. The one true option. The highly
coveted.
I have done the impossible.
A week goes by and my schedule still sits backpacked
in Wolverine Access, right where it belongs. It awaits
Dec. 4 so everything can be confirmed. I tuck in my
schedule every night and sing it a lullaby so it knows
how much I appreciate it. I don’t know why I checked
but something told me I should explore the course guide
some more. I go back to one of my classes and see the
time of the class changed from 11-12 to 12-1.
Changes — Charles Bradley
One hour.
One hour has officially thrown a stone at the
glass house that was my schedule. The new 12-1 class
interferes with my second class, which, in turn, now
interferes with my third class, which, you guessed it,
jams a wrench into my schedule’s spokes and screws
over my fourth class.
I sit, mouth agape, watching everything I loved and
cherished in this world fall apart. I can’t blame myself. I
won’t blame myself.
The course guide betrayed me.
Not My Baby — Alvvays
Why would the course guide do this to me? We
had an agreement. I trusted the course guide and no
consideration was given to how I might feel if a class
was changed from 11-12. I have never felt this much pain
in my entire life.
I login to my Backpack and stare at what could have
been. I can’t look for too long unless I want to start
crying like when I saw “Marley and Me” in theaters.
You can’t tell me you didn’t bawl like a damn baby
when Owen Wilson buried that yellow Labrador
retriever.
I select all the courses and press “Delete.” Along with
my Backpack, my heart is empty.
Empty — Kevin Abstract
I walk with my head hung low back
to the dorm to find all my friends who
are 15 minutes after me for scheduling
times. They knew. They knew something
happened.
“Something wrong with your sched,
Matt? Are you crying?”
No, my eyes are just watering. My
face is sweaty. I just cut an onion.
I explain the situation and how I have
to make a whole new schedule in a few
days’ time. I may have broken down a
few times in the process, but eventually
I get the story out in full. Instead of
consoling me and reminding me there
are plenty of courses in the sea, all I get
is a room full of friends laughing at my
misfortune, telling me I’m up a creek
without a paddle.
Thanks, guys.
Truth Hurts — Lizzo
I spend the next day and a half
browsing the course guide once again.
This time, I can only find classes that
fit a few of my necessary categories.
Maybe I want to take a class in my
major, but it starts at 8:30 a.m. and I am
not about that lifestyle or maybe this
class sounds amazing but it interferes
with a prior commitment. Suffice it to
say, my friends were right. Turns out
I was the one who was destined to be
royally screwed.
While browsing my own personal
hell that is now the course guide, I
can barely keep from crying. My mind
keeps wandering to how beautiful life was when I had a
schedule and all was right in the world. Now, life is gray
and my schedule has gone down the toilet.
Down — Jay Sean ft. Lil Wayne
I come to the realization that I did this to myself. I
can’t mope and think the course guide was out to get
me. I was the one who started scheduling before the
class times were finalized. If I had waited, I might have
been able to fix this and cause less pain. I might have
been able to meet with an adviser and get, well, advised.
They could have at least outlined my options instead
of allowing me to flop around like a fish in the desert,
gasping for breath and baking in the sun.
I’ve made my bed and now I must lie in it. Next
semester, I solemnly swear not to start searching for
classes until I am positive no switcheroos can ruin my
life again.
Should Have Known Better — Sufjan Stevens
*Flash forward to next semester*
Ooh the course guide is out!
Love Galore — SZA ft. Travis Scott
BY MATT HARMON, DAILY STAFF REPORTER
ILLUSTRATION BY HANNAH MYERS