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How to fall out
of love in college
A guide to ruining
your very own
relationship
By HANNAH SPARKS
Daily Arts Writer
Disclaimer: That was not a
sarcastic title. This is actually
the perfect tool guide to ruining
a relationship. Sorry to everyone
who was hoping for a cute and
sappy article right in time for
V-day, because this is quite the
opposite.
Unfortunately
I
recently
succeeded in ruining a romantic
relationship with a really great
guy. You may be wondering,
“Why would you do such a thing,
Hannah?” To that I say, just
because someone is “perfect”
doesn’t mean they’re perfect for
you.
Now I’m going to explain to
all you lovelies out there how
you to can ruin a relationship,
just like I did (yay)!
The first step is obviously to
meet someone you find genuinely
interesting. Now, read carefully
because what I’m about to say is
a vital part of this process. Make
sure to connect on a really deep
level of consciousness. In other
words, fall in love with their
brain before their looks. Once
you’ve done that, the two of you
will naturally become something
we all like to call BFFs.
So now you’re in the BFF
stage. During this time you need
to: text everyday, hangout at least
twice a week, get really drunk
together (without hooking up)
and meet each other’s families.
This part is really fun, so enjoy it
while you can.
This next step is optional,
but relevant to my personal
experience.
Make
the
relationship
an
LDR
(long
distance relationship). When a
friend transfers to a different
school than the one you’ve
attended together, it’ll be sad
and the both of you will miss
each other. Now you’ll be asking
yourself — “Why do I miss them
so much, is this more than a
friendship, should I act on these
feelings?” This is hard and a time
where you’ll need to dig deep
into your unconscious mind, to
find the “right” answer.
After pinpointing how you
really feel, hang out with them
when they visit home and have
a candid discussion about what
the relationship means to the
both of you. If it turns out the
way mine did, you two will
decide that dating each other is
the way to go. How exciting!
Your
new
boyfriend
or
girlfriend will eventually go
back to school. Don’t worry
though — calling them everyday
will take place. Make sure to talk
for an hour or two, recapping
each other’s days, and talking
about mindless things that seem
much funnier than they actually
are. Gossip about your friends
and vent about your problems,
they will prove to be a great
sounding board.
The leap from friendship
to relationship will be easy
enough, and you will find that
things are going super well.
You’re comfortable around this
person — they lift you up when
you’re down, they get along with
your friends and family. Soon
you’ll find that you both perform
small (or really big) gestures for
each other. Things like buying
gifts for each other (even when
it’s not a special occasion or
holiday), surprising one another
by coming home or going up to
visit, you could even throw them
a surprise birthday party (it was
really fun).
This next part is a good test
to whether or not you two can
really stand each other for long
periods of time. Do what I did (if
you can find the time and funds)
take a vacation together over a
long-weekend. You’re essentially
living with this person for three
or four days. Sharing a single
space for both of your things,
deciding who gets to shower
first and what you’d like to do
on your mini-trip — all things
that you both have to agree on. If
you find yourself compromising,
that’s okay! Compromising with
your partner is key. Either way
the memories you’ll make during
this time will certainly be
burned into your brain forever.
So now you’ve been with each
other for around eight months.
Of course you’ve hit a few tiny
road bumps along the way, but
everything
was
solved
and
forgotten about with ease.
For some reason the once
tiny road bumps slowly start to
get a little bigger. Sometimes
damaging
the
metaphorical
vehicle you’re both driving in
together. You try to brush it off
and ignore the bigger underlying
problems. This person is just so
perfect, and you’re the center of
their universe, so it’ll all be okay
right? (Wrong)
The holidays come around,
so naturally everyone is happy
around this time. A few issues
arise as to where or with
which family you’ll spend the
holidays. Here comes our friend
compromise again. After you’ve
both made some compromises,
you decide to be with both
families for the holidays. Now
things seem to smooth out once
more.
Things are going well, but
maybe too well? Start to question
yourself, your relationship, and
your partner. Agony is what
you’ll be feeling for a while
now. Your partner will feel
anxious; they may even start to
project their insecurities about
themselves and the relationship
onto you. This causes quite a stir,
but remember you started it.
The holiday break is over and
it’s time to go back to being in
an LDR. At this point you have a
nagging voice in the back of your
mind that keeps getting louder.
It’s telling you that you shouldn’t
be
questioning
things,
you
should be sure, you’re too young
to be so serious and finally,
maybe you should just end it.
These are scary thoughts, but if
you want to ruin a relationship
the right way, you will succumb
to them.
Tonight is the night, you two
are together again but you aren’t
feeling anything except for that
you might vomit at any minute.
You made an executive decision
that the breakup is going to
happen now, you can’t question
yourself any longer, its unfair to
yourself and your partner.
This is the worst because you
still care deeply for the person
and you do still love them, but
you’re no longer “in love” with
them. Finally you say the words
and things get emotional, like
zero to 100 real quick. You beg
with them to one day have the
friendship you started out with,
but you just hurt this person,
so don’t expect them to agree
with that. You drive home
with a feeling like your insides
are disintegrating, your heart
physically hurts, your vision is
blurred by tears and you think
to yourself we were so close to
making it to one year.
Now
it’s
over,
you’ve
successfully ended a relationship.
You may have even lost someone
who was once your BFF. You will
attract all the “feels.” Sadness,
loneliness, confusion, happiness,
relief and maybe even regret, but
let me say this — it gets better.
Although your relationship
has come to an end, you look back
at it with such fondness that it
can only make you smile. Maybe
here and there you shed a tear
but you know you’ll be okay. You
also know your ex will be okay.
Eventually, one day you will talk
to this person again. It may take
time (maybe longer than you’d
like) but you will come into
contact again. You may never
have the friendship that once
was, but you two at the very
least, will be friendly with one
another.
This is life. We will all have
this happen at some point, but
if for now you’re “in love” and
you aren’t questioning things —
do not follow this advice. Either
this information will help you
during your breakup, or this can
be used as the perfect “what
not to do” guidelines. That’s all
of my tips and tricks. Hope this
helps!
Your above-average
love-metaphor poem
By NATALIE ZAK
Daily Community Culture Editor
Love is a field of dandelions
Existing peacefully and
uncontestedly between two
amicable countries.
Love is a legume, a life
choice for a vegetarian,
Sometimes filled with the
rotting black of seeds
And sometimes not.
Love is the stuttering amber
shards struggling to set logs
aflame.
But there is no oxygen, no
air,
And no vocal stylings of the
great Jordin Sparks.
Love is water, a lake
speckled with the innards of
fish
and the regrets of the
couples who
always failed to recycle their
plastics.
Instead recycling the
remains of their destroyed
relationship
On a two-person trip to
Sandals
Only to realize the empty
seat next to them on the
airplane
Will be filled with nothing
but self-hatred for the next five
to ten years.
Love is sanity, the thwart of
creativity
It brings nothing but the
stability of marriage
And an infant screaming
In a gender-neutral yellow
baby carriage.
Love is a chore, a mindless
act of repetition,
Never intriguing and never
thrilling,
Take me now, the lover yells,
into boredom’s depths.
‘Valentine’s Day’ and
Cupcakes
in this series, three daily arts writers in
varying states of mind do the same activity
and write about their experiences.
this week’s event:
OK Caro put olive oil in the V-Day cupcakes about .2 seconds after I laughed off the thought.
She’s sober and fucking this up. We started “Valentine’s Day.” My mom’s favorite song is the
opener “Say Hey (I Love You)” by Michael Franti & Spearhead. I miss my mom. it’s her bday
Thursday. hbd mom. I forgot every person was in this movie but it’s slowly coming back to
me. I definitely saw this on a date during my formative years. Kathy bates just told Jamie
fox she needs love from him. I’m not paraphrasing, I swear. this movie is absurd. OK
let’s be honest, flowers don’t even smell good, right? How the fuck did Gary
Marshall, the man behind “Pretty Woman” go for this shit. I’m pretty
sure Patrick Dempsey plays a doctor in the movie and also cheats
on his wife. (LIFE IMITATES ART @ShondaRhimes).
#unpopularopinion: Derek Shepard was kind of a tool.
if it wasn’t for the ganja and mood elevators
this movie would have me in tears. topher
grace looks like he kisses like a
dead fish. no wonder Donna
is playing for the other team
on OITNB. it happened again. it’s
#confirmed. if Anne Hathaway had a
real-life phone sex company, what do you
think her pricing and wait time would look like?
email arts@michigandaily.com with estimates. Taylor
swift’s cameo in this movie is by far the least feminist
thing she’s ever done lols. flight attendants are assholes in rom
coms. they’re also assholes in real life. these cupcakes need to be
done. Ashton kutcher is #fiftyshadesofpink in this movie.
if the universe was mine to rule, everyone wearing a fedora would be
executed. the child buying flowers for his teacher would be done for. the cupcakes
look better than expected. Valentine’s Day is so great if you’re single and know how to
have a good time TBH. Eric Dane aka mcsteamy has always looked like a grandpa from the
neck up. if this movie was even semi close to how humans actually interact my life would be
hell. this movie’s savior is Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts is actually the world’s savior, I believe.
poor ideas: telling everyone when you’re gonna lose your virginity. because it probably won’t be
very good, and then you’ll have to lie about it. so then you’ll be a slut and a liar. who calls a penis
a who who? I would love to be queen latifa’s personal assistant.
—DAILY ARTS WRITER
Valentine’s Day is cool I guess but I can think of 364 other
days of the year I’d rather experience/drown in self-
loating/self-pity/chocolate that I bought myself for
myself. It’s 10:30 and I managed to fuck up the
cupcake baking process all while staying sober.
In my defense, @baked, it’s a common mishap
to mistake coconut oil for olive oil. But in
your defense, @baked, you tried to help and
I didn’t let you … oops I’m the worst. Buzzed
is drinking crystal palace for the first time
since welcome week … I hope she has a safe
crossing over to the other side. Ah yes, here
we go, “Valentine’s Day,” the show we’ve all
been waiting for. Suddenly we’re all groovin’
to Stevie Wonder. I don’t hate this. OK lmao
George Lopez! It’s George Lopez and a book! GL
book club? Sign me up! OMG Jamie Foxx and Cathy
Bates! Everybody is in this movie and I bet they hate
themselves as much as I hate myself on this holiday.
Naturally,
I stopped paying attention to this cinematic trash, but was reeled
back in by the phrase “Neurotic hot mess,” which sounds like something multiple people have
called me before. Suddenly it’s Anne Hathaway and the guy from “That ’70s Show.” I just heard
another line I hate: “she thought you were gay and I set her straight” … wow I bet you were the
star student of your intro to screenwriting discussion. OK well the entire Princess Diaries cast
was in this. It’s 11 and I’m done with this movie. This Princess Diaries conspiracy drained me.
—CAROLINE FILIPS, SENIOR ARTS EDITOR
I’m only two shots and 30 seconds in and “Valentine’s
Day” is pissing me off. First of all, the introduction song
“Say Hey I love you” by Michael Franti makes me feel like
I want to be on a beach and it’s currently 20 degrees out.
Thanks, I feel like shit right now because I’ll probably
never have enough money to live somewhere that’s warm
all of time.
George Lopez just made an appearance wtf. It’s time
for the third shot. OK, now here is Jennifer Garner trying
to be relatable and talk about how she was ugly in high
school and how Valentine’s Day is so hard for a single
women. 1) Have you fucking seen Jennifer Garner? I’m
sorry Jennifer, I don’t think you don’t understand what it’s
like to be an ugly person and unloved, OK? 2) I forgot the
second point.
Update: Anne Hathaway just sex talked on her phone. I
watched this movie once before when I went on a middle
school date. I hate myself.
I’m probably six shots deep and Emma Roberts just told
her gym teacher she was losing her virginity and expressed
that she wasn’t eating lunch before she has sex. Does she
understand how tiring having sex is? I’d probably eat four
lunches before I had a planned sexual encounter. “Feels
like the first time” is playing when Emma Roberts is about
to lose her virginity. What?
I zoned out, but George Lopez just spit some fire by
saying some people don’t think love exists unless it’s
acknowledged by other people. That shit was saganaki
(you know, the flaming cheese. The “Opa!” moment of your
meal.)
I can’t watch this anymore. It’s making me think love will always work out and it’s creating
shallow opinions in my brain, so I’m going to be finished with my bitter drunk antics. If you
need me I’ll be waiting on my best friend to confess his undying love for me.
—DAILY ARTS WRITER
baked.buzzed.bored.
Thursday, February 11, 2016 — 3B
You think to
yourself, we
were so close to
one year.