2B
Wednesday, January 27, 2016 // The Statement
SUPER BOWL
ON THE
RECORD
“It was going to be a long process like long cooked collard
greens.”
— NFL quarterback CAM NEWTON on the Carolina Panthers’
journey to the Super Bowl.
***
“Hey, listen, this might be my last rodeo. So, it sure has
been a pleasure.”
—NFL quarterback PEYTON MANNING to New England Patriots
head coach BILL BELICHICK following the AFC Championship
game.
***
“It’s not about getting there. It’s not about being a part of
it. It’s about winning it. And that will be our main focus.”
—Panthers head coach RON RIVERA on his Super Bowl goals.
A Filtered Life: How to Date the Cool Girl of Your
Sad, Sad Dreams
T
here exists a male fantasy of the low-main-
tenance girlfriend — recently, she’s been
known as the Cool Girl. She doesn’t need
you to text her ever and never causes “drama”
(AKA calling you out on your own bullshit). She
also loves eating triple bacon cheeseburgers, while
staying skinny and hot and giving you blow jobs.
You can text her at 2 a.m. after smoking with your
friends all night to hook up — and she’ll come
over! Then you can ignore her for a week, or you
can watch the game with her or some other boring
activity she’ll purportedly enjoy. It doesn’t matter,
she’s chill and cool with anything. She’s essential-
ly you and your friends but in the body of a really
sexy girl.
Many recent think pieces have denounced and
made fun of the idea of the Cool Girl — but even
more advice columns by men and women alike have praised it. It’s been established
that the Cool Girl trope forces women to mold their personalities and needs to what
men want, but the idea of being universally attractive to men or having a girlfriend
who requires literally no effort remains enticing. Herewith, a guide on how to find a
Cool Girl:
1. Identify what you want in your low-maintenance relationship. Have you ever
found yourself saying you “hate girls” or find them “too complicated?” Sick of having
to listen and empathize with women? Unsure of how to make a girl orgasm? You might
be a good candidate for dating a Cool Girl. Low-maintenance is a great idea for cars,
pets and apartments. And now, you want to stretch the concept to humans. Excellent!
Trolling Skeeps for women is getting exhausting. You want female company that’s a
little more constant and predictable, but you also don’t want someone who, like, chal-
lenges your opinions or calls you out on being an ass.
2. Now, let’s find her. There are several variations of this girl whose existence is
solely for your benefit, and thus a few different places you might find her. Luckily,
she has all of your exact interests so you don’t really have to go somewhere new or
change your behavior at all to meet her. Maybe you like the one who eats wings with
you while watching the game — she’s at Charley’s or Blue Lep. Maybe you like the one
who doesn’t wear makeup and hikes and frolics in the mud, but still manages to be a
beautiful fairy. Try the Arb. The bottom line is, this girl is “not like all the other girls”
(even though girls are awesome and it’s just you who sucks).
3. Approach her. She’s ~chill~ so she doesn’t need a major conversation starter. Try
coughing on her. And, unlike those other fucking teases, she sees what a nice guy you
are and the most basic polite gesture really makes her swoon. Buy her a $1 well drink
at Rick’s, and you’re in. If only all girls saw what a generous person you are.
4. Your first date: coffee is fine. You obviously don’t have to pay for her, despite the
fact that you asked her out. And, wow, she doesn’t even get one of those girly frappucci-
nos! Having sugar in your caffeinated beverage is such a disgustingly female trait, but
she’s a Cool Girl and manages to contort her behavior to act masculine in every way.
Or she drinks beer. Or burgers! She’ll eat burgers! Nothing worse than a girl who eats
a salad. (Somehow she looks like she only eats salad though. You do not want someone
who looks like you, who lives off Jimmy John’s glopped with mayonnaise and bar-
becue chips. Also, just saying, her internal organs are not going to be chill in a few
decades if she really never eats vegetables.)
5. Wow, that was easy! You’re dating now, or whatever. Get ready for months of …
doing exactly what you were doing anyways, but with a female and with more sex. Eat-
ing pizza, with a female. Talking about poop, but with a female. Sex is so easy and fun
too. She likes everything you like! She never needs to orgasm! She loves giving head!
You love when your sexual partners reaffirm everything you watched in porn! She
never causes fights or seems upset about anything, ever. She doesn’t care about the
relationship’s label or anything because she’s so low-key. This is great, because you
really just want a woman who has a sack of rice in lieu of a brain.
I hope this helped you in your low-maintenance girl endeavors. If you cannot find a
girl who meets your criteria, try your male friend (who also does not wear makeup and
consumes pizza) or your left hand.
B Y R A C H E L P R E M A C K
“My favorite book would probably be 1984 by George
Orwell. I like it because although it is fiction, it shows
us the harsh realities that we deal with every day with
“Big Brother.” It exemplifies our government in a very
enticing way that is both interesting and terrifying.”
– LSA sophomore SHANNON SMITH
ZOEY HOLMSTROM/DAILY
THOUGHT BUBBLE
LITERATURE
ILLUSTRATION BY EMILIE FARRUGIA