2B — January 25, 2016
The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com
SportsMonday

I tried out for the Michigan football team

Y

ou’ve all heard it before. 
The Michigan football 
season ends, either in 

victory or 
defeat, and 
the team’s 
seniors, after 
playing their 
final game 
in maize and 
blue, talk 
about what 
a privilege 
it is to wear 
the uniform 
of one of the 
most storied programs in college 
football.

Saturday, I found out it has 

nothing to do with tradition 
or a history of excellence. The 
jerseys are just impossible to get 
over a human head.

I put on my No. 6 Michigan 

football jersey Saturday morning 
at 9:15, right before I tried out 
for the Michigan football team 
in Al Glick Field House. Any 
full-time student at Michigan 
could try out, and I was one 
of about 55 to take up the 
opportunity.

I figured putting the jersey 

on would be the easiest part 
of the event. But it turns out 
the bottom of the uniform is 
actually some sort of elastic 
contraption that is almost 
impossible to stretch. My head 
is enormous (physically, but 
I’ve been told metaphorically as 
well), and it took me a minute or 
two to figure out how to actually 
get the jersey 
over my head 
and onto my 
body.

I tried to 

look cool and 
play it off 
afterward, 
and I don’t 
think anyone 
else noticed. 
They were too 
busy discussing their chances of 
actually making the team. I was 
just hoping to survive the tryout.

Playing football has never 

really been on my radar. In 
elementary school, I was 
usually picked last in recess. 
But now that I’m a second-
semester senior and have more 
NCAA eligibility than college 
newspaper eligibility, I thought 
I’d give it a try.

In practicality, it probably 

wasn’t a wise decision. I’m 
5-foot-7 (and one quarter-
inch, according to the official 
measurements at the tryout) 
and 150 pounds. I’m basically 
Dennis Norfleet without speed, 
dance moves or any semblance 
of hand-eye coordination. (For 
full disclosure, I’m not even 
exaggerating about the hand-eye 
coordination issue: I recorded 
a grand total of zero hits in my 
final season of Little League 
when I was in sixth grade.)

My last foray into organized 

athletics came in eighth grade, 
when my friend Zach and I 
decided to join the middle 
school track team. We thought 
it would be a good way to stay 
in shape and hang out with 
our friends. We ran the mile at 
every meet, and it was a rare 
occasion when the two of us 
didn’t finish last.

During the final race of the 

season, our coach gave us a pep 
talk for the ages as we finished 
our third out of five times 
around the track: “Don’t get 
lapped!”

I figure the most practical 

purpose I could serve on the 

Michigan 
football team 
would be as a 
third-string 
long snapper. 
Starter Scott 
Sypniewski 
got hurt last 
season and 
also had to 
play through 
a 103-degree 

fever against Indiana. The 
Wolverines only have one 
true backup at the position in 

Andrew Robinson. What if both 
of them get hurt? Michigan 
will have a new starting center 
next season with Graham 
Glasgow gone, and you can’t 
have his replacement worrying 
about snapping the football on 
special teams.

However, I didn’t see long 

snapper as an option on the 
tryout list, so I opted to try out 
as a fullback. With Joe Kerridge 
and Sione Houma out of the 
picture, maybe Harbaugh would 
be so desperate for a sixth-string 
fullback that I could make the 
cut. With an offseason to get 
ready, I could definitely turn 150 
pounds into 210 pounds.

But first I had to make it 

through the tryout.

We were informed early on 

that we couldn’t use footballs, 
per NCAA rules. Since I struggle 
to catch a football and run at the 
same time, it was welcome news.

We started the tryout by 

warming up with strength coach 
Kevin Tolbert. But warming up 
like a Michigan football player 
isn’t a casual hobby. If you’re 
even so much as a few inches 
out of position, you’re promptly 
called out and told to even out 
the lines. I, somehow, avoided 
scolding.

It turned out that some 

freshman and sophomore walk-
ons who were already on the 
team participated in the tryout, 
so I just looked at what they 
were doing during stretching 
and hoped I wouldn’t look like a 
complete idiot. I only partially 
looked like one.

That changed a few minutes 

later. We started doing high 
knees for 20 yards, and I 
struggled to correctly keep the 
pace. One second I’d be going 
too slow, the next I’d be going 
too fast. We were supposed to be 
perfectly in sync, and I wasn’t.

Next, we had to run 20 yards 

at 75 percent in large groups. 
The problem was, I could tell 
immediately that my 75 percent 
would be nothing compared 

to everyone else’s 75 percent, 
so I ran at 100 percent. I still 
finished last.

I was already panting, before 

the actual drills had even 
started. Just the fact that we 
had to jog every time we moved 
was enough cause for heavy 
breathing.

At some point in the middle 

of all of this, Jim Harbaugh 
appeared, seemingly out of 
nowhere. I mean, he probably 
came from somewhere, but I was 
too tired to notice.

Of course, the first thing 

Harbaugh talked about was 
a competition — the 40-yard 
dash. He invited the guys 
already on the team to run first. 
Then he asked attendees who 
thought they were fast enough 
to keep up to step forward. I 
stayed put.

Harbaugh personally 

administered the 40-yard dash, 
blowing the whistle and telling 
his assistants to pick out the 
fastest guys in each heat.

Mind you, some of the top 

recruits in the country were in 
town this weekend. And yes, 
Jim Harbaugh was watching a 
few of his players and a bunch 
of random students run the 
40-yard dash.

I believe I ran it twice, but 

it could’ve been three times. It 
doesn’t really matter. If worms 
had machine guns, then birds 
would be afraid of them, right?

Sadly, I performed poorly. 

I’m pretty sure I finished last 
in all of my races, but I was 
too focused on not completely 
embarrassing myself to take a 
full look around.

Harbaugh gave the group 

some advice, too. He said you 
can play football by being one 
of three things: fast, tough or 
smart. I know I’m not fast or 
particularly tough (I stood and 
watched the last time I saw a 
brawl at Rick’s), but I figured 
there’s a slight chance I could 
be smart.

That notion was quickly 

dispelled when we broke into 
position groups and took a 
water break. I couldn’t figure 
out how to spray the hose 
contraption we were supposed 
to drink out of, so I just went 
without water until I could 
figure out how to get the water 
out of the hose (I ended up not 
drinking until much later in the 
tryout, so maybe I am tough 
after all).

The next portion of the 

morning wasn’t so torturous. 

We went around to four stations 
in our position groups. At the 
first station, we completed 
lateral high-step drills. I made 
it through without major 
incident, just like I did in the 
second station, where we ran 
around cones. I was slower than 
everyone else, but I didn’t fall 
flat on my face. Huge win, and 
a little bit closer to becoming a 
Michigan football player.

I really starred in the third 

station, where we ran the 
40-yard dash again. We got to 
run it twice. The first time, I 
ran a 5.7. I could hardly breathe 
afterward, but I must’ve 
recovered nicely. I didn’t even 
hear them call out my time after 
my second rep, so I assume 
they must’ve been extremely 
impressed and didn’t want to 
embarrass everybody else. I 
probably ran a 4.2.

Some problems arose in 

the fourth and final station. 
Running backs coach Tyrone 
Wheatley stood in the middle of 
two sets of cones. He motioned 
for us to either run forward or 
backward or to hit the ground 
and pop back up. I tried it three 
times, but messed up horribly on 
each try. He motioned for me to 
go off to the side, where another 
staff member asked if I was 
feeling OK.

I told him I was just bad at 

football. I think he tried to 
reassure me for a second that I 
wasn’t bad, then realized there 
was no point in lying.

I knew I’d have to impress 

in the final stage of the on-field 
portion of the tryout: position 
drills. I was hoping that as a 
fullback, I’d just get to smash my 
head into things, but that wasn’t 
the case.

We did a bunch of offense-

defense drills in which the 
runner had to evade the 
defender in a small area. I wasn’t 
exactly Drake Johnson. I was 
two-hand touched down every 
single time. Once, the defender 
decided to throw me to the 
ground. I should’ve gotten up 
and punched him in the jaw, but 
I was just too worn out. He also 
probably had 60 pounds on me 
and would’ve destroyed me in 
a fight.

My highlight of the day, for a 

moment, came on the defensive 
side of the drill. On one rep, late 
in the drill, I two-hand touched 
my opponent perfectly in the 
shoulders. If I had been allowed 
to tackle, I probably would’ve 
bodyslammed him.

The glory only lasted for a 

moment, though. Wheatley 
immediately started coaching 
the kid on how the running back 
should always win one-on-one 
every time when a defender 
stops moving his feet, which I 
apparently did. Whoops.

After the position drills, 

Harbaugh gathered us as a 
group. He had the walk-ons who 
were already on the team stand 
up, and said they probably stood 
out throughout the tryout. He 
then added they would likely 
take a few other kids from the 
tryout, too.

I’m pretty sure he wasn’t 

talking about me.

Harbaugh rhetorically asked 

us if we would be ready to jump 
right into winter conditioning 
if we were selected. I nodded 
vigorously, figuring that could 
definitely increase my chances.

Then, he had current players 

stay out to evaluate the punters, 
kickers and quarterbacks with 
footballs since the coaches 
weren’t allowed to. He sent the 
rest of us to take more physical 
tests, and we were told we 
would likely hear if we made the 
team by the end of the weekend.

I don’t think I helped my 

chances in the long jump. I 
failed to stick the landing on 
my first two tries, so I went 
conservative on the third try. 
I didn’t hear the final number, 
but I jumped 4-foot-something. 
I didn’t hear any other results 
under 6-feet.

Then they tested how high we 

could jump. I jumped 14 inches, 
which is why my friends call 
me the Jewish Jordan (Editor’s 
note: Nobody calls him that).

Finally, I could see the finish 

line. For the final drill of the day, 
we went into the weight room 
to bench press. I figured I could 
easily bench the bar, maybe a 
little more.

Unfortunately, the only test 

was to see how many reps you 
could do of 225 pounds, so I sat 
off to the side with another kid 
who also couldn’t bench 225 
pounds.

He commented that this 

probably wasn’t good for our 
chances. I don’t know about 
him, but I still haven’t gotten a 
call that I made the team.

I’ll probably stick to writing.

Cohen can be reached at 

maxac@umich.edu or on Twitter @

MaxACohen. If he doesn’t respond to 

your emails and tweets immediately, 

it’s probably because he’s still sore.

SPORTSMONDAY COLUMN

ALLISON FARRAND/Daily

Max Cohen didn’t know he would be trying out for the Michigan football team when he took this picture in November.

MAX 
COHEN

I was just 
hoping to 
survive the 

tryout.

winning by double digits for the 
eighth time this season. Though 
the 
Wolverines 
came 
away 

victorious, they were not pleased.

“I’m 
disappointed,” 
said 

sophomore Alec Pantaleo. “I look 
at my guys, and they have the most 
potential out of any guys I’ve ever 
met. Sometimes you don’t see 
that out on the mat. Don’t get me 
wrong, we came out with a win, 
but I was looking at it and that 
should have been a shutout dual. 
We made careless mistakes.” 

“A few of those guys got beat 

tonight in some close matches, 
they let some guys off the hook 
and it’s tough,” added McFarland. 
“It’s frustrating to see. I mean, it’s 
always nice to get a win. I thought 
we did enough to win. I know I 
wasn’t pleased.” 

After 
a 
frustrating 
win, 

Michigan needed to turn the page 
and refocus for Sunday’s match 
against Indiana. 

But the Wolverines did not start 

the match the way they wanted, 
and it looked as if Sunday’s meet 
was going to be a continuation 
of Friday night’s, when redshirt 
junior Conor Youtsey lost his 
match on a takedown with less 
than 10 seconds remaining. Down 
3-0, Michigan looked to senior 
Rossi Bruno to get the match going. 

Bruno looked strong Sunday 

and beat his opponent handily, 
15-2, earning four points for the 
Wolverines. Michigan continued 
to dominate the match, but the 
highlight came in the 174-pound 
match, when Mahomes defeated 
his opponent on a hard-fought bout, 
9-8. Mahomes’ victory crushed 
any hopes of a Hoosier comeback, 
building the lead to 16-6. 

“174 was a huge match for us,” 

McFarland said. “I knew that 
was gonna be a tight one. We’ve 
been talking to him a lot about 
staying on his offense. When he 
is offensive and scoring points, 
he is hard to beat. He wore 
that kid out at the end and took 
advantage of that third period. 
He had a strong third period, so 
it was fun to see.” 

Michigan could not have asked 

to be in a better position with their 
top three wrestlers yet to wrestle. 
The so-called “Murderer’s Row” 
of Abounader, sixth-year senior 
Max Huntley and junior Adam 
Coon outscored its opponents, 
35-6, with two of the three 
matches ending early by pin.

The Wolverines ended the 

weekend with two wins, though 
they weren’t completely satisfied. 
Still, not being satisfied with 
winning is a pretty good spot for 
the Wolverines find themselves, 
especially this late in the season.

WRESTLING
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