2B
Wednesday, January 20, 2016 // The Statement
OSCAR NOMINATIONS
ON THE
RECORD
“Begging for acknowledgement, or even asking,
diminishes dignity and diminishes power. And we are a
dignified people. And we are powerful. Let’s not forget it.
So let’s let the Academy do them, with all grace and love.
And let’s do us.”
— Actress JADA PINKETT SMITH on why she is boycotting the
2016 Academy Awards Ceremony for its lack of diversity
***
“As I see it, the Academy Awards is not where the ‘real’
battle is. It’s in the executive office of the Hollywood
studios and TV and cable networks. This is where the gate
keepers decide what gets made and what gets jettisoned
to ‘turnaround’ or scrap heap.”
— Director SPIKE LEE on the lack of diversity among Hollywood
studio executives
The Legend of Mike
M
ike walked into his boss Mike’s office.
“Sit down,” Mike, Mike’s boss, said to Mike.
Mike sat down.
“Mike,” said Mike, “you’ve been having a rough couple of weeks here. Your produc-
tivity’s way down.”
“Sorry, Mike,” said Mike. “Things with Mike have been rough lately--”
“Oh!” said Mike’s boss Mike, clapping his hands. “I’m so glad you and Mike finally
got together! We were all rooting for you two.”
“What?” said Mike, employee of Mike. “Oh, you mean...no, not Mike from the office.
Mike, my boyfriend.”
“Oh,” said Mike, slumping a little in his chair. “Well, anyway, Mike…”
“Yes, Mike?” inquired Mike, employee of Mike, coworker of Mike and boyfriend of
Mike.
“You can’t let your personal life interfere with your work anymore, Mike.”
“I completely understand, Mike.”
“Take a few days off. Take care of your problems with Mike.”
“Sounds good. Thanks, Mike.”
“Anytime. Now get out of my office, Mike.”
“This is my office, Mike.”
“Wha...oh, cause we’re both named Mike?”
“That’s right, Mike.”
“Ha. Good one. You’re pretty funny, Mike.”
“Thanks, Mike.”
***
“What the fuck is your problem, Mike?!” shouted Mike, Mike’s boyfriend. He bolt-
ed into the kitchen of Mike and Mike’s shared apartment, keeping his back to Mike.
“Nothing!” shouted Mike, boyfriend of Mike. “What’s your problem, Mike?”
“That night last weekend, after we got back from the club…”
“That was a fucking week ago!” shouted Mike.
“Don’t yell at me, Mike!” yelled Mike. Mike recoiled in shock. “Sorry,” said Mike
sheepishly. “You know I hate it when you yell at me.”
“Sorry, Mike,” said Mike. “I’m just...I dunno, frustrated! I feel like you’re accusing
me.”
“You know what you did, Mike,” Mike said firmly. “We were having sex, and when
you climaxed you yelled ‘Mike.’”
Mike stood confused for a minute, before finally speaking. “So...what’s the prob-
lem?”
“You didn’t mean me!” shouted Mike, his eyes brimming with tears.
“What?! Of course I meant you! What are you talking about?!”
“I could tell by the way you extended the ‘i’ sound,” said Mike. “You were totally
thinking about your coworker Mike when we were having sex, weren’t you, Mike?”
“Absolutely not!”
“I don’t believe you, Mike.”
“Trust me, Mike!” said Mike, struggling to keep himself from yelling. “Look, I know
it’s hard, being a couple of Mikes in a world where everyone seems to be named Mike.
But you can’t let that get to your head, Mike! You’re the only Mike for me, Mike.”
Mike looked up at Mike. “You promise, Mike?”
“I promise, Mike.”
Mike and Mike embraced. After a while, Mike felt the completely annoying need to
fill the tender moment of silence with humor, and said: “I can’t wait to tell Mike about
this.”
“Mike!”
“Just kidding, Mike!”
“Oh! Haha. You’re pretty funny, Mike.”
“Thanks, Mike.”
They embraced for a few more seconds, and then Mike looked up at Mike with a
confused look on his face. “Mike, your boss?”
“No, Mike. Mike, my coworker. Why would I tell Mike, my boss?”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess that would be pretty unprofessional, Mike.”
“It certainly would, Mike.”
B Y M I K E F LY N N
COVER BY SHANE ACHENBACH
“I chose astronomy because it’s the only thing I’ve
taken a class for so far and just loved it. I’ve always
been math and science oriented but I never knew
what do to with it until I took a few courses in the
major here at U of M.”
– LSA sophomore ALEX MEILSTRUP
ZOEY HOLMSTROM/DAILY
THOUGHT BUBBLE
DISCOVERY