2C
Wednesday, January 6, 2016 // The Statement

THE GUN CONTROL DEBATE
ON THE 
RECORD

“Every time I think about those kids, it gets me mad. And 

by the way, it happens on the streets of Chicago every 

day.” 

— PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA in a public address calling for 
increased background checks at gun shows and other measures to 

prevent gun violence

***

“An armed people are a free people. If our forefathers 
were not armed before the American Revolution we 

would all be speaking English today..”

— Americans for Tax Reform President GROVER NORQUIST in a 
Twitter commentary of President Barack Obama’s executive order 

to strengthen gun control measures

Six Ways to Apologize for Starting 
Your Column with a Listicle

Hello, my name is Mike Flynn. The kind 
folks at The Michigan Daily have asked 
me to write a humor column, presum-
ably because they’ve heard my Chew-
bacca impression and concluded that I 
must be pretty funny. As excited as I am 
to embark on this columnal endeavor, I 
must admit that the process of coming 
up with ideas for the inaugural article 
has been as fraught with difficulty as 
this sentence is with overly complicated 
words. After trying several things that 
failed to ignite a comedic fire, I’ve sur-
rendered myself to the same conclusion 
that has birthed countless C+ papers: “I 
just need to get this done.” As such, I’ve 
decided to write this first article for my 
column in the form of a listicle.

There are some who decry the listicle 
as a simple medium that requires little 
effort and diminishes the integrity of 
journalism. While I would normally try 
to defend the listicle’s merits, of which I 
can count at least three, I recognize that 
such an attempt would be futile, given 
that most readers of the Daily probably 
hate listicles. So, in place of an impas-
sioned defense of the medium, I will 
provide a heartfelt apology. As a mat-
ter of fact, I’ll provide a list of six dis-
tinct types of apologies, in order to give 
aspiring columnists something to go off 
if and when they find themselves in this 
same predicament.

1. Denial
I can personally guarantee that this 
article is in no way representative of the 
quality of future entries in this column. 
There will be no more listicles from me. 
I’ll write articles in every form besides 
listicles! Come to think of it, that’d be 
a cool listicle. “20 types of articles that 
aren’t listicles…”

2. Anger
So what if this is a listicle?! Listicles 
are a perfectly legitimate medium! You 
know, the people who discount listicles 
are the same kinds of people who dis-
counted young adult literature, or the 
recent renaissance of Justin Bieber. 
Don’t try to stifle me! All art is valuable, 
motherfuckers!

3. Bargaining
I’m sorry I yelled. It was in the heat of 
the moment. None of you are mother-
fuckers. Here, what can I do to make 
it up to you? I’ll do the Chewbacca 
impression again! “RrrrrrrrrRRrRRr
rRRRRrrrrRRRrrrr!” Jesus, how do 
you type a Chewbacca noise? Is it just 
R’s? Are there vowels?

4. Depression
This sucks. I’m so sorry. This isn’t 
funny. My career at The Michigan 
Daily is over. I totally understand. This 
sucks. I’m so sorry. This isn’t funny. 
This sucks. This sucks. Forgive me.

5. Acceptance
You know what, it is what it is. I’ve set 
out to write a humor column, and there’s 
some humor in this article. There are 
some good lines. Some people will 
probably chuckle. And soon the column 
will become so popular and beloved 
that people will look at this article and 
chuckle at their obliviousness to the 
quality humor that was to come.

6. Uhhh…
Well, I guess I’ve run out of apology 
steam. I’ve completely forgiven myself. 
Laughter really is the best medicine, 
isn’t it? Ha! Haha! Hahahahahahaha-
hahahahahahaha!

B Y M I K E F LY N N

We’ve compiled our favorite @realDonaldTrump tweets 
from over break — just in case you missed the latest mus-
ings of everyone’s favorite moron presidential candidate. 

You’re Welcome.

THE LIST

CHRISTIANITY? PATRIOTISM? IDK
“I am now in Palm Beach, Florida, and will be going to church 
tonight. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

CONQUERING THE MIDDLE EAST
“Iran, with all of the money and all else given to them by Obama, 
has wanted a way to take over Saudi Arabia & their oil. THEY 
JUST FOUND IT!”

BILL CLINTON, DEGENERATE
“Hillary Clinton lied last week when she said ISIS made a D.T. 
video. The video that ISIS made was about her husband being a 
degenerate.”

DEPORTATION, POWERED BY POLITICS
“Does everyone see that the Democrats and President Obama 
are now, because of me, starting to deport people who are here 
illegally. Politics!

BUZZFEED, BUT BETTER

BEST DONALD TRUMP TWEETS FROM 

WINTER BREAK

1 

3 

2

4 

COVER BY SHANE ACHENBACH

