2C
Wednesday, January 6, 2016 // The Statement
THE GUN CONTROL DEBATE
ON THE
RECORD
“Every time I think about those kids, it gets me mad. And
by the way, it happens on the streets of Chicago every
day.”
— PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA in a public address calling for
increased background checks at gun shows and other measures to
prevent gun violence
***
“An armed people are a free people. If our forefathers
were not armed before the American Revolution we
would all be speaking English today..”
— Americans for Tax Reform President GROVER NORQUIST in a
Twitter commentary of President Barack Obama’s executive order
to strengthen gun control measures
Six Ways to Apologize for Starting
Your Column with a Listicle
Hello, my name is Mike Flynn. The kind
folks at The Michigan Daily have asked
me to write a humor column, presum-
ably because they’ve heard my Chew-
bacca impression and concluded that I
must be pretty funny. As excited as I am
to embark on this columnal endeavor, I
must admit that the process of coming
up with ideas for the inaugural article
has been as fraught with difficulty as
this sentence is with overly complicated
words. After trying several things that
failed to ignite a comedic fire, I’ve sur-
rendered myself to the same conclusion
that has birthed countless C+ papers: “I
just need to get this done.” As such, I’ve
decided to write this first article for my
column in the form of a listicle.
There are some who decry the listicle
as a simple medium that requires little
effort and diminishes the integrity of
journalism. While I would normally try
to defend the listicle’s merits, of which I
can count at least three, I recognize that
such an attempt would be futile, given
that most readers of the Daily probably
hate listicles. So, in place of an impas-
sioned defense of the medium, I will
provide a heartfelt apology. As a mat-
ter of fact, I’ll provide a list of six dis-
tinct types of apologies, in order to give
aspiring columnists something to go off
if and when they find themselves in this
same predicament.
1. Denial
I can personally guarantee that this
article is in no way representative of the
quality of future entries in this column.
There will be no more listicles from me.
I’ll write articles in every form besides
listicles! Come to think of it, that’d be
a cool listicle. “20 types of articles that
aren’t listicles…”
2. Anger
So what if this is a listicle?! Listicles
are a perfectly legitimate medium! You
know, the people who discount listicles
are the same kinds of people who dis-
counted young adult literature, or the
recent renaissance of Justin Bieber.
Don’t try to stifle me! All art is valuable,
motherfuckers!
3. Bargaining
I’m sorry I yelled. It was in the heat of
the moment. None of you are mother-
fuckers. Here, what can I do to make
it up to you? I’ll do the Chewbacca
impression again! “RrrrrrrrrRRrRRr
rRRRRrrrrRRRrrrr!” Jesus, how do
you type a Chewbacca noise? Is it just
R’s? Are there vowels?
4. Depression
This sucks. I’m so sorry. This isn’t
funny. My career at The Michigan
Daily is over. I totally understand. This
sucks. I’m so sorry. This isn’t funny.
This sucks. This sucks. Forgive me.
5. Acceptance
You know what, it is what it is. I’ve set
out to write a humor column, and there’s
some humor in this article. There are
some good lines. Some people will
probably chuckle. And soon the column
will become so popular and beloved
that people will look at this article and
chuckle at their obliviousness to the
quality humor that was to come.
6. Uhhh…
Well, I guess I’ve run out of apology
steam. I’ve completely forgiven myself.
Laughter really is the best medicine,
isn’t it? Ha! Haha! Hahahahahahaha-
hahahahahahaha!
B Y M I K E F LY N N
We’ve compiled our favorite @realDonaldTrump tweets
from over break — just in case you missed the latest mus-
ings of everyone’s favorite moron presidential candidate.
You’re Welcome.
THE LIST
CHRISTIANITY? PATRIOTISM? IDK
“I am now in Palm Beach, Florida, and will be going to church
tonight. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”
CONQUERING THE MIDDLE EAST
“Iran, with all of the money and all else given to them by Obama,
has wanted a way to take over Saudi Arabia & their oil. THEY
JUST FOUND IT!”
BILL CLINTON, DEGENERATE
“Hillary Clinton lied last week when she said ISIS made a D.T.
video. The video that ISIS made was about her husband being a
degenerate.”
DEPORTATION, POWERED BY POLITICS
“Does everyone see that the Democrats and President Obama
are now, because of me, starting to deport people who are here
illegally. Politics!
BUZZFEED, BUT BETTER
BEST DONALD TRUMP TWEETS FROM
WINTER BREAK
1
3
2
4
COVER BY SHANE ACHENBACH