3B

“The Bridge program got me into the swing 

of things here, maybe more so than other 
freshmen that didn’t do the program. Us 

Bridge people stick together.”

– LSA freshman LADI OLANIRAN

“We’ve had the whole summer to get to 
know each other. No one was here during 
the summer, all we saw was each other. It 

was easier to make friends. Now everyone is 
going in different directions and it’s difficult 
to meet people. Everybody is doing their own 
thing now. But when you see a familiar face 

it’s a cool thing”

– LSA freshman DAIJAH HILLS

ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHERYLL VICTUELLES

My Cultural Currency: Aunties

I

t is a truth, universally 
acknowledged, 
that 
every 

Indian woman over the age of 

40 must be referred to as “Auntie,” 
regardless of blood relation.

Aunties™ are a permanent 

fixture at every temple celebration, 
birthday, engagement, and, of 
course, wedding. She is, at once, 
indiscreet 
and 
inconspicuous, 

extroverted 
and 
passive-

aggressive, 
all-knowing 
and 

ignorant.

The Auntie is the 

most 
formidable 

creature in Indian 
society — whether 
it is in the diaspora 
or the motherland 
itself — and an entire 
group 
of 
Aunties 

are a force to be 
reckoned with.

Every 
Indian 

woman you know 
will either be or is 
already an Auntie 
and, before becoming 
full-fledged Aunties, 
we all manage to 
develop 
Auntie 

tendencies early in 
life.

The 
Aunties 

have 
three 
true 

purposes and, when 
the dormant Auntie 
gene is activated in 
an Indian woman, 
it becomes her life’s 
mission to achieve 
those three goals. 

First, Aunties must be in touch 

with all of society’s gossip.

An Auntie will not leave a 

room of people before finding out 
exactly whose son had “an affair” 
with whose daughter. They know 
which Uncle — a topic for another 
day — got in a fight with whom 
over temple donations, which 
Auntie wore fake jewelry to which 
event and whose kid got into what 
trouble at which school.

If 
you’re 
ever 
having 
a 

conversation with an older Indian 
woman and you feel like she’s 
looking at you funny — like she’s 
peering straight into your soul — 
you’re not going crazy.

That’s exactly what she’s doing. 

Whether or not you want her to 
know your business is irrelevant.

Second, an Auntie must always 

come out on top of the food chain.

In the Game of Thrones, as 

everyone is well aware, you either 

win or you die. Indian society is 
basically Game of Thrones, but 
with lower stakes.

And finally, an Auntie’s ultimate 

goal — her Mount Everest — is to 
get every eligible bachelor and 
bachelorette married off.

There you are at the temple 

dining area, waiting in line to get a 
second helping of pakora. The line 
in front of you is thinning out and 
you’re almost there, the pakoras 
are almost on your plate. The 

tongs are in your hand; you think 
you’re going to make it scot-free 
when suddenly someone grabs 
your hand and says, “So how are 
you beta? How is school? What 
is your major? Where are you 
working? You have boyfriend?”

Aunties are walking, talking 

Shaadi.com 
profiles. 
They’re 

always eager to tell you about 
Mr. Patel’s son who is working as 
an engineer in San Francisco. If 

you’re in medical 
school, 
you’re 

basically catnip to 
them.

That 
being 

said, there are, of 
course, anomalies, 
the black sheep, 
the outliers: Vodka 
Aunties. These are 
the Aunties that 
are too forward-
thinking, 
don’t 

keep their children 
on a leash and ask 
kids, “Please, don’t 
call 
me 
Auntie, 

OK? Just call me 
Dolly.”

Vodka Aunties 

are 
lone 
wolves 

— 
unprotected 

against the wrath 
of the alpha Auntie 
pack. Their every 
action, 
every 

outfit and every 
conversation 
is 

measured 
and 

judged to filth by 

the alpha Aunties.

The other day, my roommates 

and I were sitting on our couch 
one late Sunday night, all of us 
tired from a long day of studying. 
We were nursing cups of chai and 
gossiping about the South Asian 
student groups and dance teams 
on campus. That’s when it hit me.

We were on our way developing 

Auntie tendencies and it’s only a 
matter of time before we become 
full-fledged Aunties.

B Y TA N YA M A D H A N I

LUNA ANNA ARCHEY/DAILY

THOUGHT 
BUBBLE

Wednesday, September 30, 2015 // The Statement 

Magazine Editor:

Ian DIllingham

Deputy Editor:

Natalie Gadbois

Design Editor:

Jake Wellins

Photo Editor:

Luna Anna Archey

Creative Director:

Cheryll Victuelles

Editor in Chief:

Jennifer Calfas

Managing Editor:

 Lev Facher

Copy Editors:

Hannah Bates

Laura Schinagle

Emma Sutherland

THE statement

