I

t all started a couple years ago, sitting 
around a circle in the lodge right off of 
Lake Winnipesaukee. I was a student of 

the New England Literature 
Program, 
arguably 
the 

most important academic 
experience 
I 
have 
had 

across my time as a student. 
On week four, day six, my 
mentor, teacher and friend 
Nick Harp was holding an 
advice chat. I needed to 
attend. I have always been 
a fan of this stuff. In high 
school, my friend Michael 
and I once attempted to 
run an advice column for 
our school paper, The Mirador. We made up 
problems and characters and advised our 
make believe friends in the least helpful kind 
of ways. You could say I am an expert. So 
naturally, I felt obliged to impart my wisdom 
on Nick’s discussion.

Nick began the hour by asking us about a 

subject on which we might seek help. I wrote 
something down that I am still working 
through these days — the current crossroads 
of where I’m at right now and maybe where I 
will always find myself. Specifically, I’m now 
working through the crossroads we all find 
ourselves at as our time as undergraduates 
comes to a culmination.

I 
wrote 
about 
the 
difficulties 
and 

complications of choosing a path, not just 
a career path but a “path” path : “I keep 
ruminating around this idea … should I dive 
into a creative, experimental, entrepreneurial 
world or should I take a more traditional path 
with the goal of financial stability?” I felt 
as though if I lived in a world where I acted 
entirely out of self-interest with little regard 
for others, I would pursue the artistic parts 
of my brain. I would write, paint and create 
little boutique businesses with some sort of 
philanthropic cause. Alternatively, I felt that 
if I intended to one day to support my current 
family, my future family, friends and those less 
fortunate than me, I would dive into a more 
traditional career such as law or consulting 
(this, of course, would be no easy feat).

At the time of NELP, during the summer 

2013, I felt as though these two paths were 
mutually exclusive. The ideas of money 
and the arts don’t necessarily align in my 
mind, but I have attempted to re-shape my 
understanding of the possibility, reshaping 
the idea that I can create my own path. I 
don’t necessarily belong in an art community 
and I don’t necessarily belong in corporate 
America. This same summer, I felt like there 
was a decision I had to make. I felt like I had to 
put myself in one box and stick there. I don’t 
think the path is twofold anymore. It feels the 
most “me” to bridge the gaps of business and 
the arts, so I will attempt to do this to the best 
of my ability.

This fall of 2014 I interviewed Nick. We 

returned to the idea of advice and he told me, 
“I’m always wary of advice because I think 
to myself, how should I know what is best for 
someone else? How could I know? So I try (and 
often fail) to give advice only when I am asked 
directly, and even then I think all advice should 
come with a hefty grain of salt. I think when 
people ask for advice, what they are really doing 
is asking if they can talk about this thing with 
you and figure out what they already know or 
how to answer their own question. Good advice 
is rarely about directing someone as much as it 
is about bearing witness.”

In order to help reach my current 

understanding of my future and myself, it 
took time. It took many more discussions 
with people and the help of friends and 
mentors to help pick at my brain. Watching 
my writing evolve from my summer crisis of 
2013 to my current self, I have borne witness 
to exactly what was discussed at Nick’s advice 
chat at NELP. No one endowed me with an 
understanding of what I should do with my 
life, but rather my ideas formed through a 
constant process of being asked questions and 
speaking with people of all ages and facets of 
knowledge. Family, friends and mentors can 
offer you a walk in someone else’s shoes or a 
wealth of knowledge and experience, but no 
one really knows the best decision for you 
other than yourself.

I was studying with my friend in the 

UGLi last week when my mom sent me a text 
regarding my latest venture. It read, “Sorry 
for raining on your parade. But I get the 

Opinion

JENNIFER CALFAS

EDITOR IN CHIEF

AARICA MARSH 

and DEREK WOLFE 

EDITORIAL PAGE EDITORS

LEV FACHER

MANAGING EDITOR

420 Maynard St. 

Ann Arbor, MI 48109

 tothedaily@michigandaily.com

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the University of Michigan since 1890.

Unsigned editorials reflect the official position of the Daily’s editorial board. 

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The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com
4A — Monday, February 23, 2015

A little piece of non-advice

Claire Bryan, Regan Detwiler, Payton Luokkala, Aarica Marsh, Victoria Noble, 

Michael Paul, Allison Raeck, Melissa Scholke, Michael Schramm, Matthew 

Seligman, Linh Vu, Mary Kate Winn, Jenny Wang, Derek Wolfe

EDITORIAL BOARD MEMBERS

ADAM EICKMEYER | QUEER IN ACTION

Why you’re not getting my blood

(But I really wish you were) 

I was walking through the Diag 

recently, something that I have done 
much less frequently since all of 
my classes are now in the School of 
Public Health. As per usual, I was 
able to sneak by the two gatekeepers 
with flyers at the corner I was walk-
ing through. Near the M, I heard 
“DONATE TO MOTT!” and a change 
jar jingling, and I turned and recog-
nized one of my former advisees. We 
said hi, and I kept walking toward the 
exit of the Diag toward the UMMA. I 
saw two people there. I was the only 
one walking toward them.

“Shit,” I thought, “I’m not getting 

out of this one.” I didn’t even have 
earbuds to pretend like I couldn’t 
hear them.

“Will you donate blood?” asked one 

of the girls.

Now I’ve been asked this question 

dozens of times, and usually I just 
smile, say sorry and move on with my 
life. But something was different this 
day. For some reason, I was angsty, and 
my frustration with this issue finally 
manifested itself verbally. I stopped 
in my tracks, made a 90-degree turn, 
looked this girl right in the eyes, and 
calmly (but with my high level of sass) 
said “I’ll donate blood when all gay 
people can donate blood.”

I don’t know why I said “gay” rather 

than “men who have sex with men,” 
as I myself am bisexual, but that was 
what came out of my mouth in the heat 
of the moment.

The look on her face was price-

less and completely startled. It was 
unclear if she had no idea what I was 
talking about, or if I scared her. She 
was clearly uncomfortable, and I don’t 
blame her. All she could squeak out 
was “Okay...” as I walked away.

In reality this girl had nothing to do 

with the Food and Drug Administra-
tion policy that bans blood from men 
who have sex with men, but at that 
place and time she had everything to 
do with it.

This policy to turn away blood dona-

tions from any man who’s had sex with 
men started in the heyday of the AIDS 
crisis in the 1980s, when HIV was 
not being detected in donated blood. 
Due to this lack of testing capabilities, 
HIV was subsequently transfused 
into other patients, causing them to 
become infected with the (at that time) 
fatal virus.

Since then, many things have 

changed. Bigotry and stereotyping, 
however, still run rampant.

It is no secret that Americans still 

think of HIV/AIDS as the “gay dis-
ease,” only fueling the homophobic 
fire. Do you know that straight men 
and women can get HIV/AIDS as 
well? They constitute over a third 
of the diagnoses, yet we’re not con-
cerned enough about their blood to 
enact bans.

Although men who have sex with 

men are more likely to acquire HIV 
than those who engage in hetero-
sexual contact, (because of behav-
ior factors such as condomless 
anal sex, combined with the com-
munity’s viral load) this cannot be 
an excuse to discriminate against 
all of them. Instead of stereotyp-
ing everyone in this category, why 
can’t we switch to a screening sys-
tem in which people are turned 
away from donating because of par-
ticipation in evidence-based risk 
behaviors? Screening for unpro-
tected sex with someone whose 
HIV status is unknown or positive 
would be a more effective tactic. 
This screening should be the same 
for all genders, as condomless anal 
sex is risky for heterosexual inter-
actions as well. Why are men who 
have sex with men and transgender 
women the only groups who are 
discriminated against? In addition 
to stereotyping men who have sex 
with men, the fact that transgender 
women are turned away shows that 
our society still conflates gender 

identity with sexual behavior in a 
problematic way.

Today, three decades later, we 

have advanced screening tests 
that can detect HIV within weeks, 
sometimes days, of the time of 
infection. But the United States 
chooses to use outdated tests, that 
pool multiple samples of blood 
together, as this methodology can 
be cheaper and easier.

This means that if one donation 

had HIV in it, the others could pos-
sibly dilute it so it would appear 
virus-free on the test. Not only does 
the U.S. have an outdated policy, 
but also an outdated test.

While I don’t know when testing 

procedures will change, the life-
time ban on “gay blood” did change 
a couple of months ago, but it’s 
 

still problematic.

The FDA policy was recently 

changed from a lifetime ban for 
men who have sex with men to a 
one-year abstinence period. This 
means that if I don’t have sex with 
another male for one year, I can 
donate my blood. Unfortunately, my 
boyfriend and I don’t plan on stay-
ing off of each other for that long 
just to give blood to a system that 
thinks we are hazardous. I think 
that sentiment holds true for many 
other gay, bi and queer men.

The one-year ban might as well 

be a lifetime ban.

I don’t even know my blood 

type, because I have never been 
allowed to get to that stage in the 
 

donation process.

My blood is not dirty, not dis-

eased, and no better or worse than 
 

anyone else’s.

I could have already donated 

about 36 times, and as the Red 
Cross would say, I could have saved 
108 lives.

I’ve saved zero lives because 

of an outdated policy based on 
homophobia and bigotry.

DANI
VIGNOS

D

ear Seniors,

It has been a wild 

ride, but our time here 

at 
Michigan 
is 

almost done. We 
have been here 
for four(ish) years, 
starting out with 
our 
orientation 

in the sweltering 
heat of East Quad, 
our goofy lanyards 
and our admira-
tion 
for 
dining 

hall food. We were 
undecided 
and 

ready to be in 32 
clubs, excited to play our first ever beer 
 

pong game.

Times sure have changed.
We’ve grown up, made some 

memories, probably done some stu-
pid stuff and either owned it or are 
a little ashamed, but we will defi-
nitely remember those moments 
when we all part ways in a couple of 
months. The thing that we are going 
to remember the most, though, is 
the friends we have made along 
the way, the ones who have left an 
imprint in our hearts and changed 
 

our character.

I’m not trying to sound like the 

“Friends Forever” song by Vita-
min C, all sappy and sentimental. 
After we graduate, yes, things will 
change. People go to different jobs 
around the country and world, some 
will be making great money, some 

will be living with their parents 
for a while. But however we start 
our lives after college, it will be a 
new beginning for us. Being there 
for our closest friends will now be 
more difficult. It is not as simple as 
hanging out on a Saturday, getting 
lunch at No Thai! and recapping the 
previous night’s events. It will take 
more effort to compensate for the 
distance between us. The relation-
ship needs to be a two-way street, 
not a one-way that someone acci-
dentally goes down the wrong way. 
It’s work, but if you both believe 
that it is of value, then it will last 
beyond the day we exit the Big 
House as graduates.

I had a dream recently where 

someone told me I was going to 
die within a year. A little scary at 
first, but I took it as an opportunity 
to change some things in my life. 
My first thought was to figure out 
who should be in my life, and who 
should be gone. I went running 
around to everyone I knew, either 
saying “I love you!” or “Fuck off, I 
don’t need you in my life!” Person to 
person, I put people into these two 
categories. To be honest, it was very 
therapeutic. I felt as if I was ridding 
myself of extra weight, lobbing off 
negativity and people who brought 
anger into my life.

I woke up with such a new view. 

I now could see those through-
out my day that I wanted to be in 
my life from here on out, and for 

those that I couldn’t care less about 
after, I plan to part ways. Why not 
make my dream come to fruition? 
Why keep those gloomy people in 
 

my life?

From what I’ve heard, the real 

world is tough. There are bosses 
who might be mean and co-workers 
who might be incompetent, but for 
those people in your life that you can 
choose, keep them positive. Coming 
to college, we had a chance to have 
a clean slate, start a new page and 
maybe recreate ourselves. After 
college, we have the ability to start 
fresh again, make new friends that 
fit into our personalities and pref-
erences. What is the point of vol-
untarily choosing something that 
is bad for you? Surround yourself 
with supportive people, those who 
will call you out on questionable 
behavior, those who will give you 
the best advice, those who will have 
 

your back.

But why wait? Start now. Don’t 

just hold off on getting rid of these 
damaging people. Start phasing 
them out or just let them know to 
their face. You do not need them 
in your life if they are only causing 
 

you grief.

There are going to be so many 

people 
and 
circumstances 
that 

bring us down. We need to keep 
those that are good company near. 

 
— Sara Shamaskin can be 

reached at scsham@umich.edu.

A friendly note to seniors

SARA
SHAMASKIN

CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONVERSATION

Readers are encouraged to submit letters to the editor and viewpoints. 

Letters should be fewer than 300 words while viewpoints should be 550 to 850 words. 

Send the article, writer’s full name and University affiliation to tothedaily@michigandaily.com.

sense that your dreams are a result of 
opportunities that present themselves 
to you instead of the other way around. 
I think you need to look deep inside 
and think bigger. I really don’t feel as 
this is going to serve you well and that 
you will tire of it very quickly from 
the monotony and not being around 
stimulating and creative people.” 
Speaking from a mother’s perspective, 
I believed this to be honest advice. It 
was at least something I should think 
deeply about, as she stated. I then 
read it out loud to a friend. He thought 
about her words for a moment and 

said, “Do you think she is right?” This 
was some of the best advice I have 
ever received.

If you want my advice, which 

many may not, I will always say go 
for it. When it comes to business 
plans, adventures and relationships, 
I will always say take it to the 
limits. It will most likely lead me to 
my biggest regrets and my largest 
accomplishments, but it is an 
adventure I am excited to take.

When I am asking for advice, I 

am asking someone to help pick my 
mind, to ask me questions that will 

lead me to make the best decision 
for me. I am not really asking what 
would you do, but rather I am saying, 
“Can you ask me about things I 
should consider or weigh in my own 
decision making process?”

I have still not figured out how to 

be the best advisor for my friends 
and family, but I do know that I am 
working on it. I may never truly 
know, but asking questions is always 
a good start.

 
— Dani Vignos can be reached 

at dvignos@umich.edu.

I

took a trip back to my hometown 
recently to have dinner with my family. 
Between work, school and everything 

else I’ve got going on, it 
can be difficult to sync my 
schedule 
with 
everyone 

else’s. But when I told my 
mom that I had a Friday off 
from work she insisted that 
I make the drive home. She 
wanted my siblings to meet 
my boyfriend.

My 
coming-out 

experience with my family 
was 
truly 
a 
non-event. 

Throughout high school and 
college I’d brought home a 
string of girlfriends, all of which were accepted 
by my loud, cocktail-loving siblings and parents. 
Bringing my boyfriend home really wasn’t any 
different: we ate a lot of food and pillaged my 
step-dad’s liquor cabinet.

It was an incredibly normal evening — my 

family’s acceptance, however, is definitely not 
the norm, though I’d understand why some 
would believe it to be.

On Feb. 9, Alabama became the 37th state in 

the Union to grant marriage licenses to same-
sex couples, becoming the latest domino to fall 
in a line of states that have ratified marriage 
equality. Actually, due to the U.S. Supreme 
Court’s agreement to review a Michigan 
case challenging the state’s ban on same-sex 
marriage, we may very well see nationwide 
marriage equality in early spring.

An apparent social change is occurring, 

and it seems as if media reflects that. The 
sitcom “Modern Family” positively depicts 
a monogamous gay couple and their familial 
dynamics. Even non-heteronormative aspects 
of gay society are being popularized — 
“Looking,” an HBO drama following the lives of 
three 30-something gay men in San Francisco, 
frequently details the Grindr hookups and 
illicit drug use that characterize certain axioms 
of gay culture.

But in reality, the lives of many identifying as 

LGBTQ are not that cushy.

LGBTQ-identifying youth, for example, 

experience homelessness at a startlingly 
disproportionate rate than other affected 
groups. The Ruth Ellis Center — among other 
organizations — estimates that some 40 
percent of the 1.6 million homeless youths in 
this country identify as LGBTQ. That’s huge, 
especially when considering that a mere 3.5 
percent of all adults even place themselves on 

that spectrum in the first place.

Carl Siciliano, founder and executive director 

of the Ali Forney Center in New York City — 
purportedly the nation’s largest organization 
combating LGBTQ youth homelessness — says 
this statistic is the direct result of a generation 
“living in a societal moment” of believed 
LGBTQ acceptance.

The 
media 
increasingly 
popularizes 

gay culture and, when combined with 
the progression of marriage equality, the 
assumption purveys that youths will be 
accepted by their families and peers if they 
come out of the closet. This is often not the 
case. In fact, according to one comprehensive 
study on the topic, familial rejection is the main 
contributing factor to queer homelessness.

As Siciliano says, in a 2011 interview with 

NPR’s Margot Adler, “… there are so many 
parents who can’t be parents to their gay kids.”

Dissent of a gay lifestyle is not uncommon — 

one Pew Forum survey indicates that 40 percent 
of the nation still opposes allowing same-sex 
couples to marry. And according to the National 
Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, 2013 saw 
a 21-percent increase in physical anti-LGBTQ 
hate violence, particularly against transgender 
women of color and gay men — this in a year 
where “Orange is the New Black” and “Looking” 
popularized these respective identities.

Society is really not as accepting of 

queerness as the current “societal moment” 
may convey. Though a decision by the U.S. 
Supreme Court affirming the right of same-sex 
couples to marry would indeed catalyze further 
progression toward full codification of LGBTQ 
rights, it won’t be a silver bullet.

Having the liberty to choose whom I’d like to 

marry won’t dissipate the anxiety with which 
I’m fettered while walking down the street 
with my boyfriend. Allowing us to marry won’t 
make the stares I get when going in for a kiss 
any less frightening.

It won’t get those hundreds of thousands 

of kids off the street, and it won’t make their 
parents any more accepting. Marriage equality 
is a good first step, but it is just that — a single 
step. A marathon needs to be run before 
otherness, hate and ignorance are no longer 
socialized associations with queer community.

Any person thinking otherwise need only 

turn away from the rosy depictions of this 
“societal moment” on their television sets, and 
instead open their eyes to reality.

 
— Austin Davis can be reached 

at austchan@umich.edu.

A societal moment

AUSTIN
DAVIS

