I
t all started a couple years ago, sitting
around a circle in the lodge right off of
Lake Winnipesaukee. I was a student of
the New England Literature
Program,
arguably
the
most important academic
experience
I
have
had
across my time as a student.
On week four, day six, my
mentor, teacher and friend
Nick Harp was holding an
advice chat. I needed to
attend. I have always been
a fan of this stuff. In high
school, my friend Michael
and I once attempted to
run an advice column for
our school paper, The Mirador. We made up
problems and characters and advised our
make believe friends in the least helpful kind
of ways. You could say I am an expert. So
naturally, I felt obliged to impart my wisdom
on Nick’s discussion.
Nick began the hour by asking us about a
subject on which we might seek help. I wrote
something down that I am still working
through these days — the current crossroads
of where I’m at right now and maybe where I
will always find myself. Specifically, I’m now
working through the crossroads we all find
ourselves at as our time as undergraduates
comes to a culmination.
I
wrote
about
the
difficulties
and
complications of choosing a path, not just
a career path but a “path” path : “I keep
ruminating around this idea … should I dive
into a creative, experimental, entrepreneurial
world or should I take a more traditional path
with the goal of financial stability?” I felt
as though if I lived in a world where I acted
entirely out of self-interest with little regard
for others, I would pursue the artistic parts
of my brain. I would write, paint and create
little boutique businesses with some sort of
philanthropic cause. Alternatively, I felt that
if I intended to one day to support my current
family, my future family, friends and those less
fortunate than me, I would dive into a more
traditional career such as law or consulting
(this, of course, would be no easy feat).
At the time of NELP, during the summer
2013, I felt as though these two paths were
mutually exclusive. The ideas of money
and the arts don’t necessarily align in my
mind, but I have attempted to re-shape my
understanding of the possibility, reshaping
the idea that I can create my own path. I
don’t necessarily belong in an art community
and I don’t necessarily belong in corporate
America. This same summer, I felt like there
was a decision I had to make. I felt like I had to
put myself in one box and stick there. I don’t
think the path is twofold anymore. It feels the
most “me” to bridge the gaps of business and
the arts, so I will attempt to do this to the best
of my ability.
This fall of 2014 I interviewed Nick. We
returned to the idea of advice and he told me,
“I’m always wary of advice because I think
to myself, how should I know what is best for
someone else? How could I know? So I try (and
often fail) to give advice only when I am asked
directly, and even then I think all advice should
come with a hefty grain of salt. I think when
people ask for advice, what they are really doing
is asking if they can talk about this thing with
you and figure out what they already know or
how to answer their own question. Good advice
is rarely about directing someone as much as it
is about bearing witness.”
In order to help reach my current
understanding of my future and myself, it
took time. It took many more discussions
with people and the help of friends and
mentors to help pick at my brain. Watching
my writing evolve from my summer crisis of
2013 to my current self, I have borne witness
to exactly what was discussed at Nick’s advice
chat at NELP. No one endowed me with an
understanding of what I should do with my
life, but rather my ideas formed through a
constant process of being asked questions and
speaking with people of all ages and facets of
knowledge. Family, friends and mentors can
offer you a walk in someone else’s shoes or a
wealth of knowledge and experience, but no
one really knows the best decision for you
other than yourself.
I was studying with my friend in the
UGLi last week when my mom sent me a text
regarding my latest venture. It read, “Sorry
for raining on your parade. But I get the
Opinion
JENNIFER CALFAS
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and DEREK WOLFE
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The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com
4A — Monday, February 23, 2015
A little piece of non-advice
Claire Bryan, Regan Detwiler, Payton Luokkala, Aarica Marsh, Victoria Noble,
Michael Paul, Allison Raeck, Melissa Scholke, Michael Schramm, Matthew
Seligman, Linh Vu, Mary Kate Winn, Jenny Wang, Derek Wolfe
EDITORIAL BOARD MEMBERS
ADAM EICKMEYER | QUEER IN ACTION
Why you’re not getting my blood
(But I really wish you were)
I was walking through the Diag
recently, something that I have done
much less frequently since all of
my classes are now in the School of
Public Health. As per usual, I was
able to sneak by the two gatekeepers
with flyers at the corner I was walk-
ing through. Near the M, I heard
“DONATE TO MOTT!” and a change
jar jingling, and I turned and recog-
nized one of my former advisees. We
said hi, and I kept walking toward the
exit of the Diag toward the UMMA. I
saw two people there. I was the only
one walking toward them.
“Shit,” I thought, “I’m not getting
out of this one.” I didn’t even have
earbuds to pretend like I couldn’t
hear them.
“Will you donate blood?” asked one
of the girls.
Now I’ve been asked this question
dozens of times, and usually I just
smile, say sorry and move on with my
life. But something was different this
day. For some reason, I was angsty, and
my frustration with this issue finally
manifested itself verbally. I stopped
in my tracks, made a 90-degree turn,
looked this girl right in the eyes, and
calmly (but with my high level of sass)
said “I’ll donate blood when all gay
people can donate blood.”
I don’t know why I said “gay” rather
than “men who have sex with men,”
as I myself am bisexual, but that was
what came out of my mouth in the heat
of the moment.
The look on her face was price-
less and completely startled. It was
unclear if she had no idea what I was
talking about, or if I scared her. She
was clearly uncomfortable, and I don’t
blame her. All she could squeak out
was “Okay...” as I walked away.
In reality this girl had nothing to do
with the Food and Drug Administra-
tion policy that bans blood from men
who have sex with men, but at that
place and time she had everything to
do with it.
This policy to turn away blood dona-
tions from any man who’s had sex with
men started in the heyday of the AIDS
crisis in the 1980s, when HIV was
not being detected in donated blood.
Due to this lack of testing capabilities,
HIV was subsequently transfused
into other patients, causing them to
become infected with the (at that time)
fatal virus.
Since then, many things have
changed. Bigotry and stereotyping,
however, still run rampant.
It is no secret that Americans still
think of HIV/AIDS as the “gay dis-
ease,” only fueling the homophobic
fire. Do you know that straight men
and women can get HIV/AIDS as
well? They constitute over a third
of the diagnoses, yet we’re not con-
cerned enough about their blood to
enact bans.
Although men who have sex with
men are more likely to acquire HIV
than those who engage in hetero-
sexual contact, (because of behav-
ior factors such as condomless
anal sex, combined with the com-
munity’s viral load) this cannot be
an excuse to discriminate against
all of them. Instead of stereotyp-
ing everyone in this category, why
can’t we switch to a screening sys-
tem in which people are turned
away from donating because of par-
ticipation in evidence-based risk
behaviors? Screening for unpro-
tected sex with someone whose
HIV status is unknown or positive
would be a more effective tactic.
This screening should be the same
for all genders, as condomless anal
sex is risky for heterosexual inter-
actions as well. Why are men who
have sex with men and transgender
women the only groups who are
discriminated against? In addition
to stereotyping men who have sex
with men, the fact that transgender
women are turned away shows that
our society still conflates gender
identity with sexual behavior in a
problematic way.
Today, three decades later, we
have advanced screening tests
that can detect HIV within weeks,
sometimes days, of the time of
infection. But the United States
chooses to use outdated tests, that
pool multiple samples of blood
together, as this methodology can
be cheaper and easier.
This means that if one donation
had HIV in it, the others could pos-
sibly dilute it so it would appear
virus-free on the test. Not only does
the U.S. have an outdated policy,
but also an outdated test.
While I don’t know when testing
procedures will change, the life-
time ban on “gay blood” did change
a couple of months ago, but it’s
still problematic.
The FDA policy was recently
changed from a lifetime ban for
men who have sex with men to a
one-year abstinence period. This
means that if I don’t have sex with
another male for one year, I can
donate my blood. Unfortunately, my
boyfriend and I don’t plan on stay-
ing off of each other for that long
just to give blood to a system that
thinks we are hazardous. I think
that sentiment holds true for many
other gay, bi and queer men.
The one-year ban might as well
be a lifetime ban.
I don’t even know my blood
type, because I have never been
allowed to get to that stage in the
donation process.
My blood is not dirty, not dis-
eased, and no better or worse than
anyone else’s.
I could have already donated
about 36 times, and as the Red
Cross would say, I could have saved
108 lives.
I’ve saved zero lives because
of an outdated policy based on
homophobia and bigotry.
DANI
VIGNOS
D
ear Seniors,
It has been a wild
ride, but our time here
at
Michigan
is
almost done. We
have been here
for four(ish) years,
starting out with
our
orientation
in the sweltering
heat of East Quad,
our goofy lanyards
and our admira-
tion
for
dining
hall food. We were
undecided
and
ready to be in 32
clubs, excited to play our first ever beer
pong game.
Times sure have changed.
We’ve grown up, made some
memories, probably done some stu-
pid stuff and either owned it or are
a little ashamed, but we will defi-
nitely remember those moments
when we all part ways in a couple of
months. The thing that we are going
to remember the most, though, is
the friends we have made along
the way, the ones who have left an
imprint in our hearts and changed
our character.
I’m not trying to sound like the
“Friends Forever” song by Vita-
min C, all sappy and sentimental.
After we graduate, yes, things will
change. People go to different jobs
around the country and world, some
will be making great money, some
will be living with their parents
for a while. But however we start
our lives after college, it will be a
new beginning for us. Being there
for our closest friends will now be
more difficult. It is not as simple as
hanging out on a Saturday, getting
lunch at No Thai! and recapping the
previous night’s events. It will take
more effort to compensate for the
distance between us. The relation-
ship needs to be a two-way street,
not a one-way that someone acci-
dentally goes down the wrong way.
It’s work, but if you both believe
that it is of value, then it will last
beyond the day we exit the Big
House as graduates.
I had a dream recently where
someone told me I was going to
die within a year. A little scary at
first, but I took it as an opportunity
to change some things in my life.
My first thought was to figure out
who should be in my life, and who
should be gone. I went running
around to everyone I knew, either
saying “I love you!” or “Fuck off, I
don’t need you in my life!” Person to
person, I put people into these two
categories. To be honest, it was very
therapeutic. I felt as if I was ridding
myself of extra weight, lobbing off
negativity and people who brought
anger into my life.
I woke up with such a new view.
I now could see those through-
out my day that I wanted to be in
my life from here on out, and for
those that I couldn’t care less about
after, I plan to part ways. Why not
make my dream come to fruition?
Why keep those gloomy people in
my life?
From what I’ve heard, the real
world is tough. There are bosses
who might be mean and co-workers
who might be incompetent, but for
those people in your life that you can
choose, keep them positive. Coming
to college, we had a chance to have
a clean slate, start a new page and
maybe recreate ourselves. After
college, we have the ability to start
fresh again, make new friends that
fit into our personalities and pref-
erences. What is the point of vol-
untarily choosing something that
is bad for you? Surround yourself
with supportive people, those who
will call you out on questionable
behavior, those who will give you
the best advice, those who will have
your back.
But why wait? Start now. Don’t
just hold off on getting rid of these
damaging people. Start phasing
them out or just let them know to
their face. You do not need them
in your life if they are only causing
you grief.
There are going to be so many
people
and
circumstances
that
bring us down. We need to keep
those that are good company near.
— Sara Shamaskin can be
reached at scsham@umich.edu.
A friendly note to seniors
SARA
SHAMASKIN
CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONVERSATION
Readers are encouraged to submit letters to the editor and viewpoints.
Letters should be fewer than 300 words while viewpoints should be 550 to 850 words.
Send the article, writer’s full name and University affiliation to tothedaily@michigandaily.com.
sense that your dreams are a result of
opportunities that present themselves
to you instead of the other way around.
I think you need to look deep inside
and think bigger. I really don’t feel as
this is going to serve you well and that
you will tire of it very quickly from
the monotony and not being around
stimulating and creative people.”
Speaking from a mother’s perspective,
I believed this to be honest advice. It
was at least something I should think
deeply about, as she stated. I then
read it out loud to a friend. He thought
about her words for a moment and
said, “Do you think she is right?” This
was some of the best advice I have
ever received.
If you want my advice, which
many may not, I will always say go
for it. When it comes to business
plans, adventures and relationships,
I will always say take it to the
limits. It will most likely lead me to
my biggest regrets and my largest
accomplishments, but it is an
adventure I am excited to take.
When I am asking for advice, I
am asking someone to help pick my
mind, to ask me questions that will
lead me to make the best decision
for me. I am not really asking what
would you do, but rather I am saying,
“Can you ask me about things I
should consider or weigh in my own
decision making process?”
I have still not figured out how to
be the best advisor for my friends
and family, but I do know that I am
working on it. I may never truly
know, but asking questions is always
a good start.
— Dani Vignos can be reached
at dvignos@umich.edu.
I
took a trip back to my hometown
recently to have dinner with my family.
Between work, school and everything
else I’ve got going on, it
can be difficult to sync my
schedule
with
everyone
else’s. But when I told my
mom that I had a Friday off
from work she insisted that
I make the drive home. She
wanted my siblings to meet
my boyfriend.
My
coming-out
experience with my family
was
truly
a
non-event.
Throughout high school and
college I’d brought home a
string of girlfriends, all of which were accepted
by my loud, cocktail-loving siblings and parents.
Bringing my boyfriend home really wasn’t any
different: we ate a lot of food and pillaged my
step-dad’s liquor cabinet.
It was an incredibly normal evening — my
family’s acceptance, however, is definitely not
the norm, though I’d understand why some
would believe it to be.
On Feb. 9, Alabama became the 37th state in
the Union to grant marriage licenses to same-
sex couples, becoming the latest domino to fall
in a line of states that have ratified marriage
equality. Actually, due to the U.S. Supreme
Court’s agreement to review a Michigan
case challenging the state’s ban on same-sex
marriage, we may very well see nationwide
marriage equality in early spring.
An apparent social change is occurring,
and it seems as if media reflects that. The
sitcom “Modern Family” positively depicts
a monogamous gay couple and their familial
dynamics. Even non-heteronormative aspects
of gay society are being popularized —
“Looking,” an HBO drama following the lives of
three 30-something gay men in San Francisco,
frequently details the Grindr hookups and
illicit drug use that characterize certain axioms
of gay culture.
But in reality, the lives of many identifying as
LGBTQ are not that cushy.
LGBTQ-identifying youth, for example,
experience homelessness at a startlingly
disproportionate rate than other affected
groups. The Ruth Ellis Center — among other
organizations — estimates that some 40
percent of the 1.6 million homeless youths in
this country identify as LGBTQ. That’s huge,
especially when considering that a mere 3.5
percent of all adults even place themselves on
that spectrum in the first place.
Carl Siciliano, founder and executive director
of the Ali Forney Center in New York City —
purportedly the nation’s largest organization
combating LGBTQ youth homelessness — says
this statistic is the direct result of a generation
“living in a societal moment” of believed
LGBTQ acceptance.
The
media
increasingly
popularizes
gay culture and, when combined with
the progression of marriage equality, the
assumption purveys that youths will be
accepted by their families and peers if they
come out of the closet. This is often not the
case. In fact, according to one comprehensive
study on the topic, familial rejection is the main
contributing factor to queer homelessness.
As Siciliano says, in a 2011 interview with
NPR’s Margot Adler, “… there are so many
parents who can’t be parents to their gay kids.”
Dissent of a gay lifestyle is not uncommon —
one Pew Forum survey indicates that 40 percent
of the nation still opposes allowing same-sex
couples to marry. And according to the National
Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, 2013 saw
a 21-percent increase in physical anti-LGBTQ
hate violence, particularly against transgender
women of color and gay men — this in a year
where “Orange is the New Black” and “Looking”
popularized these respective identities.
Society is really not as accepting of
queerness as the current “societal moment”
may convey. Though a decision by the U.S.
Supreme Court affirming the right of same-sex
couples to marry would indeed catalyze further
progression toward full codification of LGBTQ
rights, it won’t be a silver bullet.
Having the liberty to choose whom I’d like to
marry won’t dissipate the anxiety with which
I’m fettered while walking down the street
with my boyfriend. Allowing us to marry won’t
make the stares I get when going in for a kiss
any less frightening.
It won’t get those hundreds of thousands
of kids off the street, and it won’t make their
parents any more accepting. Marriage equality
is a good first step, but it is just that — a single
step. A marathon needs to be run before
otherness, hate and ignorance are no longer
socialized associations with queer community.
Any person thinking otherwise need only
turn away from the rosy depictions of this
“societal moment” on their television sets, and
instead open their eyes to reality.
— Austin Davis can be reached
at austchan@umich.edu.
A societal moment
AUSTIN
DAVIS