The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com
Arts
Wednesday, January 14, 2015 — 5A
FILM COLUMN
Mark Wahlberg’s
Worst of 2014 List
Mark Wahlberg’s latest declara-
tion that he has a penis, “The Gam-
bler,” debuted to middling reviews
over Christmas break. In it, the
former underwear model plays
Jim
Bennett,
a debt-riddled
literature pro-
fessor
who,
between
inspired
ser-
mons
on
Shake-speahh
and
lectures
to his students
about
how
they’re shitty
writers, casu-
ally boondog-
gles faculty checks at a Roulette
table. Things are good until they
aren’t. And “When sorrows come,
they come not single spies / But
in battalions.” With a bald John
Goodman breathing down his
neck, “Good Vibrations” must pay
off any outstanding funds before
the week is out — or risk being
beaten to death with a tire iron the
size of Dirk Diggler’s schlong.
Whether or not you enjoy
watching The Wahl expound on
the values of well-crafted sen-
tences and punctuation marks
in front of a lecture hall full of
undergrads, you’ll probably agree
with me when I say “The Gam-
bler” is just the capstone on a 2014
marred by mediocrity for the for-
mer Oscar nominee. If not, please
take a moment to think about why
any year when the highlight reel
starts and ends with a shot of you
throwing up your arms to lacka-
daisically exclaim, “I think we just
found a Transformer,” has certain
… issues.
So, when I took a look back at
the other big cinematic disappoint-
ments of the past 12 months, it only
seemed natural to think, “What
would Marky say?” After all, this
is a guy who once got eviscerated
on social media after claiming he
could have stopped 9/11 had he
been on one of the planes. This is
the guy who got skinned on social
media, again, after requesting that
the governor of Massachusetts
pardon him for the slew of hate
crimes he committed 25 years ago.
This is a guy who opens up HBO
Go to watch “Entourage.”
If there’s anyone on this planet
who is OK with disappointment,
it’s Mr. Rhythm & Rhyme himself.
So without further adieu, put your
hands together for Mark Wahl-
berg, cluing us in on the biggest
Hollywood letdowns of 2014:
1. “The Amazing Spider-
Man 2”
Honestly, when they gave that
British pretty-boy the right to play
Tobey Maguire, I knew shit was
gonna hit the fan. I knew. Akshay,
don’t look at me like that. I knew.
The second the trailer ended, so
I turned to my wife and I said,
“Rhea, they gave that fucko Spider
Man. Do they even have spiders in
England? This can never work.” I
mean, why not just get Tobey? He
has that fuckin’ hair. He has those
eyes. He has it all. I am aware he’s
a vegan, but I heard on “Regis &
Kelly” once that all those soy pat-
ties are great for the ass. This was a
case of classic miscasting, Akshay.
Why the hell was Jamie Foxx
here? If I want to be electrified by
Jamie Foxx, I’ll put on “Intuition.”
2. “Transcendence”
Akshay, I don’t know how the
Internet works. I’m no genius. Is
it a bunch of pipes that we shoot
emails through? I don’t know. Is
it like a giant inflatable pool in the
yard that everyone jumps in dur-
ing a barbecue? Everyone’s peeing
in it. I don’t know. What I do know
is that Johnny Depp is not the
Internet. The script is all wrong,
Akshay. If you’re going to have one
guy take over all facets of technol-
ogy, he wouldn’t be going after
America. He’d be going after the
Taliban. Have you seen my movie
“Lone Survivor?” That’s where
he’d be. If Johnny Depp was the
Internet, porn wouldn’t be as good,
I can tell you that much. Wally
Pfister didn’t see all these angles.
He’s a cinematographer, but he
still didn’t see all the angles. What
are you gonna do?
3. “Let’s Be Cops”
Hey, I get it — we all played that
game when we were kids. Act like
you’re the fuzz, maybe run around
as cops and robbers a little. You got
the pretend gun, the handcuffs.
Not me. Donnie and I used to beat
up little Asian kids at the grocery
store. Then these blue assheads
show up and put me in jail. It was a
horrible experience and it’s been 25
years since it happened. I’ve apolo-
gized for it. I wrote the fucking let-
ter, but they won’t let it go. It’s on
them. I hate the police, Akshay. I
hate everything about the law. I’m
sorry, I’m getting off topic, but I get
emotional — I’m from Boston. The
thing is, you already have enough
of these doughnut-eating shits
out there. Do you really need to
have two more assholes harassing
everybody? It’s just an off-putting
premise. No one wanted to see it,
and I think it shows.
4. North Korea
When I heard what they did,
I cried. I locked myself in the
bedroom and I sobbed for two
hours, because I knew this great
country would never be the same
again. What if these sick fuckers
take down the HBO Go page? I
can’t have them releasing Jeremy
Piven’s emails, Akshay, that guy is
an animal. When I came back out,
my eyes were bleary and my nose
was runny and my forehead was
bleeding for some reason — but
I knew what I had to do. Do you
know what I did, Akshay? I called
up Doug Ellin and I told him we’d
have to add a North Korea subplot
to the “Entourage” movie. That’s
right, you heard it here first, you
freeloaders — Vinny and the boys
are headed to Pyonyang this sum-
mer, and we’re going to finish what
Seth Rogen started. We’re going to
show up at Un’s crib and demand
some real answers. I’m from the
street. This is what we do.
5. “Transformers: Age of
Extinction”
I’ll admit it. It wasn’t a good
year for the “Transformers” odys-
sey. Michael Bay told us straight
up that it would be a tough, tough
shoot and an even tougher post-
production phase, but we didn’t
listen. We’d show up for work, we’d
goof around all day and one time,
I even knocked a guy out with a
wrench. I threw it at him and it
hit him in the face. He went right
the fuck out. I must’ve laughed
for two hours, but Michael wasn’t
too happy about it. I get that. Half
of the days, I didn’t even know my
lines. It seems really polished now,
but that scene in which I find a
Transformer in my truck was pure
improv — no planning. The movie’s
a fucking mess, but we’ll always
have that little gem. It’ll be in our
back pockets, sitting there when
we start shooting the fifth one.
Seth is looking for his
next imaginary conversation
partner. To help him pick,
email akse@umich.edu.
AKSHAY
SETH
GETTY IMAGES
Found: Lost Jonas brother. Call Keira Knightly for details.
TV NOTEBOOK
Intense ‘Apprentice’
By HAILEY MIDDLEBROOK
Daily Arts Writer
There is something incredibly
exciting about seeing celebrities
out of context. It’s like seeing a
teacher at the
gym — nylon
shorts,
Nikes
pounding on a
grimy
tread-
mill belt, real-
life sweat. You
realize that Dr.
Kimbob
rips
out bicep curls
and
Professor
Loopy Lulaney
rides the spin
cycle like a sea-
soned pro. In
“The Celebrity
Apprentice,” now airing its sev-
enth season on NBC, 16 C-list
celebrities are plucked out of
their niches — whether that be
reality TV, Hollywood, a sports
field or the newsroom — and are
thrown into the entrepreneurial
world, all with the goal of fund-
raising for their chosen charities.
And they aren’t fishing for money
in just any pocket. The celebs
have a boss with a hefty wallet:
business tycoon himself, Donald
Trump.
Each week, the men’s and
women’s teams designate a Proj-
ect Manager, and under his or
her guidance (or lack thereof),
the teams compete in a series
of tasks around New York City,
ranging from baking pies to
directing
commercials.
The
contestants must tap into their
business-savvy, past experiences
and occasionally their famous
contacts for fundraising. And
they have to cooperate with
each other — super-sized egos
and all. At the end of the day, the
teams assemble before Trump
in a boardroom and the winning
team is announced. Trump then
whittles down the losers, crack-
ing questions and listening to
celebrities’ accusations, until the
contestant who is most respon-
sible for the team’s loss emerges.
Then, at the height of the drama,
Trump “fires” the incompetent
celeb from the show.
The cast is definitely stacked
with characters: eldest Jonas
Brother Kevin Jonas, Olympi-
ans Shawn Johnson and Jamie
Anderson; former athletes Ter-
rell Owens and Johnny Damon;
comedian Gilbert Gottfried; TV
personalities Geraldo Rivera and
Leeza Gibbons; actors Lorenzo
Lamas (“Renegade”), Ian Ziering
(“Sharknado”) and Sig Hansen
(“Deadliest Catch”); reality star
Kate Gosselin (“Jon and Kate
Plus 8”); “Real Housewives”
Kenya Moore and Brandi Glan-
ville; and finally actresses Kei-
sha Pulliam (“The Cosby Show”)
and Vivica Fox (“Kill Bill”). The
women
collectively
became
“Team Infinity,” while the men
labeled themselves “Team Vor-
tex.”
After they made introduc-
tions and decided team names (a
ridiculously drawn-out ordeal),
Trump administered the first
task of the season: to bake a sweet
and a savory pie to be judged by
“The Cake Boss” himself, Buddy
Valastro. The real winner wasn’t
who had the best pies, however.
The challenge was primarily a
fundraiser, so the teams had to
sell their pastries and whichever
team raised the most money — in
pie profits and donations — won.
So really, the trick was to have
the most rich friends on speed
dial.
Knowing this, Geraldo Rivera
snagged Project Manager for
Team Vortex and began calling
up his wealthy buds while the rest
of the team baked (and burned,
as a distraught Kevin Jonas dis-
covered) their pies. Cosby-kid
Keisha confidently headed Team
Infinity, though she floundered,
failing to bring in any substantial
checks and refusing to ask Papa
Bill for money.
Where the women fell behind
in the money race, they triumphed
in the taste department (to the
chagrin of business women every-
where), wowing Buddy with their
unique blueberry-pear pie. Moth-
er-of-eight Kate Gosselin pounced
on kitchen duty, claiming that
baking for the masses was second
nature: “I make three meals a day
for nine people!” Bless her heart.
Though Buddy gave a $25,000
bonus check for the best tasting
pie, Team Infinity still lost the
challenge, raising only $93,862
to Vortex’s whopping $185,322.
In a tense, teary boardroom,
Trump fired Keisha because of
her
unsatisfactory
leadership
skills, but compensated by donat-
ing $25,000 to her charity. The
lessons learned? Don’t bake with
Kevin Jonas. Do call Bill Cosby.
And if you must be fired, let Don-
ald Trump do the firing.
A-
The
Celebrity
Apprentice
Season Seven
Premiere
Sundays
at 9 p.m
NBC
Pantsuits and bold
style at 2015 Globes
By MARIAM SHEIKH
Daily Arts Writer
In my family, gathering to
watch award shows has been
something of a cult ritual since
I was old enough to appreci-
ate celebrity obsession. The
Oscars, the Grammys, the Gold-
en Globes — we sit around eat-
ing copious amounts of food,
vehemently judging every per-
former, presenter, celebrity and
security guard in sight. In addi-
tion to the jokes, the tipsy celeb-
rities, the concerning amount of
selfie sticks, there is the fashion
and the style. Sunday’s Golden
Globes did not disappoint in
this department. The trends of
the evening seemed to be more
skewed than usual, but it gave
us style-obsessed people at
home more to swoon over.
Metallic
Everyone knows the red car-
pet is a place to make a state-
ment. What better way to do
that than by donning head to
toe in a shimmer? That’s right,
metallic was all over the red
carpet.
To single out a few of the top
looks: Jennifer Lopez stunned,
looking like the ultimate domi-
natrix in Zuhair Murad (while
also having the longest nip slip
of the century). In the words of
Jeremy Renner, it simply was
the night for her and her “gold-
en globes.”
Golden Globe winner Juli-
anne Moore wore a fitted shim-
mering Givenchy by Riccardo
Tisci gown that cinched with
ombred feathers toward the
bottom. Diane Kruger glim-
mered in her dress, between
swigs of champagne, of course.
There to support her was long-
time bae Joshua Jackson (the
cutest couple at the Globes FYI),
who showed off her impeccable
style in Emilia Wickstead (fre-
quented by HRH Kate Middle-
ton, so you know she’s legit).
Monochromatic Color
Another trend all over the
red carpet was bold minimal-
ism. We saw many monochro-
matic looks: an outfit of one
solid color throughout. Accom-
panied with a structured fit,
there are no frills, no fuss, just
simplistically clean color. This
theme produced looks that were
the most elegant — the most
couture.
In line with this theme was
Taylor Schilling in a bright red
Ralph Lauren ball gown with
a halter neckline (a big step up
from the green nightgown she
wore last year). “The Theory
of Everything” actress Felicity
Jones may not have snatched up
the Golden Globe, but she was
#winning at fashion. She had on
a teal Dior gown fit for a queen
and perfect for the red carpet.
The piece had a high collar, but
buttoned detail down the back,
a fit and flare that was every-
thing.
As two ladies whose out-
fits are always on-point, Amy
Adams and Kate Hudson both
opted for a monochromatic
look but with more muted,
neutral
colors.
They
both
donned Versace, making state-
ments in more ways than one.
Adams wore a one-shouldered
periwinkle gown and Hudson
added sex appeal with a skin-
tight, icy-white cut-out dress.
She looked so hot that even Jen-
nifer Aniston took a second to
grab her ass before an interview
with Ryan Seacrest. (Don’t act
like you didn’t notice).
Pantsuits and Tuxedos and
Jumpsuits, Oh my!
While it wasn’t a trend that
was as prevalent as the others
mentioned, perhaps one of the
most understated themes of the
night was the revival of the pant-
suit, and no, I’m not talking about
Prince’s (although he looked fly
as hell with his outfit and cane).
I am more or less referring to
my spirit animals: Lorde, Emma
Stone and Tina Fey.
Lorde was in a custom-made
Narciso Rodriguez piece. Not
just an ordinary pantsuit though
— she rocked a low-cut, elegant
crop-top, frosted in a shit-ton of
diamonds. She was clearly one of
the chicest and youngest (if we
aren’t counting Quvenzhané Wal-
lis) people nominated.
Emma Stone showed up with
her (... interesting ...) brother,
wearing
a
Lanvin
jumpsuit
embellished with jewels along the
top half. She paired the piece with
black pants that sprouted the big-
gest black bow on the back. Nor-
mally, the rule of thumb is to steer
clear of anything and everything
with bows after the age of five, but
she managed to make it work.
For those who stuck around for
the entire show, Tina Fey’s second
outfit change was into a glitter-
ing tux. Now deemed Tina “The
Tuxedo” Fey, the suit was by far
her best outfit of the night — and
no doubt the most comfortable.
Can pantsuits and tuxedos please
come back forever? When styled
right, it makes anyone and any-
thing high-fashion.
Nature made a comeback
(or at least it tried)
Along with the some of
the natural colors celebrities
wore, there was a resurgence
of embellishment in the form
of flowers, butterflies and all
things Mother Nature. While
most of the trends on the carpet
were to die for, others, like this
one, not so much.
Sienna Miller was probably
the only person to have bested
this trend, in a low cut, floor-
length
cream-colored
Miu
Miu gown, embroidered with
flowers and mini crystals. She
looked radiant. Not so for preg-
nant Keira Knightley, though,
dressed in a Chanel dress (I
know, who can go wrong in
Chanel? Well …) that looked
straight out of “Little House on
the Prairie” — leaves, feathers
and butterflies galore (even a
tacky bracelet). I didn’t under-
stand this look, and I don’t want
to, frankly. Claire Danes also
embraced her inner Mother
Nature with a Valentino dress
that reminded me of two things:
a DIY art project or a gross
furry moth. Better luck next
time, perhaps.
As the first award show of the
year, the Globes sets a prece-
dent for trends and styles. Thus
far, it was all about the details
(Amal’s white gloves anyone?),
while returning to style funda-
mentals. Basic colors, cuts and
fits ruled the red carpet, much
like in 2014. However the res-
urrection of all things pants
has potential to turn any tacky
prom outfit into coveted cou-
ture.
STYLE NOTEBOOK