Monday, February 9, 1953
T HE M IC H IGA N D A ILY
Page Seven
Mna,.Fbur ,15 H IHGNDIYPg ee
HotFe
AEC Moves
To Prevent
atastrophe
Soapy Succumbs
To Deadly Piles
By JEAN BOLSHOI
Hordes of workmen arrived by
airlift from the Virgin Islands to-
day to begin erection of a radio-
activity-proof lead wall around
the campus ordered by Atomic
Energy Commission officials to
protect the student population
from mass sterility.
Source of the deadly radiation
seems to lie in the mounds of cow
manure used to fertilize campus
shrubs and bushes.
Efforts to dissipate the deadly
radiations by turning under the
suspect clods failed yesterday,
when SL Boss Soapy Willens,
shoveling mightily, collapsed in a
heap. No one has dared to drag
him out.
Prof. Anton Dzwytchski, of
the nuclear physics department,
nervously running an acid-
stained hand through his grey-
ing hair laughed grimly as he
pointed out the irony of the
situation in the terse comment,
"It both fertilizes and sterilizes."
The big stink blew up early
yesterday evening when a char-
woman, Fawada McGuire, report-
ing for work at the University's
Atomic Energy Research lab found
a white-coated lab technician
slumped over a work bench cov-
ered with sheaves of paper full of
mathematical calculations.
IMMEDIATE investigation by
the bosomy charwoman revealed
that the lab assistant (his name
is withheld for security reasons)
conked out after the 169th at-
tempt to unravel data from the
bank of radiation devices clicking
psychotically in front of him.
Meanwhile, smelling sabotage,
University President Handy
Scratcher acted with alacrity
calling for a full dress investi-
gation of the matter by the
Lecture Committee. "The Com-
mittee will use kid gloves in
handling the matter," Scratcher
said.
In a 169 page report published
three hours later the Committee
came up with the startling pro-
nouncement that "radio-active ex-
crement of kine used to fertilize
plantings around the lab had
caused the erratic behavior of the
machines."
ASKED TO comment on the
committee's report Prof. Smirna
Hikksos chairman of the commit-
tee said, "Somebody's slinging it."
Going on to amplify his statement
the 63 year old professor of. Ptole-
maic geography hinted that he
would'nt be surprised if certain
groups on campus hadn't been
saving it since a certain political
rally in a certain Ann Arbor park
last fall,
When reached for comment
in his plush suite at 2:30 a.m.
today, Basil Jelke, the Univer-
sity's Procurer of Manure, of-
fered an explanationas to the
origin of the particular organi
fertilizer involved.
According to Jelke the substan-
dard slop was purchased by the
University from an independent
producer.
Blushing, the balding Jelke said
he had no idea where the manure
peddler hailed from, but admitted
that the peddler had tried to sell
him some dirty pictures on the
side.
Latest reports indicated that as
eamns of University and city in-
estigators dug further into the
tter more and more evidence
was piling up.
rtilizer -Threatens 'U' Fertility
Best wishes to the Class of 19541
and thank you for your
patronage . .
Jewelers, Stationers, and Suppliers of
Party Favors and Programs.
PALEOU
1321 South University
nEMrEs sR ATUs -SL Boss soapy Willens braved all odds
yesterday to shovel radioactive manure. Egging him on is 'U'
tycoon J. Morgan Pierpont.
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