Page Six

T HE MI CH IGA N D AILY

Monday, February 11, 1952

New 'U' Ban Squelches Social Life!

The academic world reeled
in amazement yesterday as
President Hank Thatcher an-
nounced a new University reg-
ulation banning all social ac-
tivities.
The President, standing on
a grave marker in Geddes ce-
metery as he denounced dates,
beer and fraternization, ex-
pressed his hope that the

precedent would be followed
by colleges all over the coun-
try.
THE NEW regulation will not go
into effect until next Monday. The
President, however, suggested that
students get into the swing of
things by abandoning plans to at-
tend this year's J-Hop. "At first
we'll have to use the honor sy-
stem," he said, "but effective en-
forcement methods will be in oper-
ation soon."
President Thatcher promised

that the social ban would be the
greatest step forward in Univer-
sity history since the develop-
ment of social probation. "This
plan has been materializing
since 1873 when the first women
were admitted to the Universi-
'ty," he said.
Some of the activities which will
be banished forever from Ann Ar-
bor include Union Mixer Dances,
fraternity parties, life drawing
classes, Daily picnics, the Union
Steam Room and Coed Night at
the I-M Building.
"There must be absolutely no

parties and banquets and parties
and so on," said Dean Hoo Ray.
The Office of Student Affairs
will be converted into headquar-
ters for the Campus Thought
Police, he announced.
Work has already begun to con-
vert the Nickols Arboretum, tra-
ditional meeting place for co-edu-
cational botany classes, into a
weapons testing ground for the
ROTC.
THE BAN of all liquor sales to
students caused Ann Arbor phar-
macists to seek new sources of re-

venue. "Maybe we can make up
the difference by raising the price
of bluebooks and No-Nods," one
druggist suggested.
The de-socialization of the
University will be fully com-
pleted by 1957, said President
Thatcher. At that time com-
plete segregation of sexes in
classes will be a reality. Serious
consideration is being given the
suggestion of a prominent re-
gent to build a separate campus
for women north of Chelsea,
When the Five Year Plan is ful-
filled, women in the dorms will
see visitors only through screens
of semi-transparent, double
strengh, wire re-inforced plastic.
The Dean of Women has already
announced new curfew hours of
7:30 every night.
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A COMMITTEE of eight profes-
sors from the business administra-
tion school have reportedly been
dickering to purchase land for a
new football stadium, for women
only. It has been rumored that
several fraternity houses in 'the
Hill and Oxford Streets vicinity
will be condemned to make way for
the proposed athletic plant.
According to President
Thatcher, the new regulation is
really not such a startling inno-
vation. "The anti-social trend
has been developing here for
several years, particularly in the
Quads," he said.
Prof. Heinrich Schweinkopt of
the psychology department, an ex-
pert in Freudian tendencies, dis-
approved of the University's ac-
tion. He warned, "Mit der students
forgedink der socialities is makink
der supreshuns ob der ego, leadink
to der psychosomatic unbalan-
cinks."
He clarified his diagnosis by ex-
plaining, "In odder vords, dey are
becomink nogoodniks."
Student reaction to the new
regulation was, as usual, fiery.
When asked if he would be bo-
thered by the ban on dates, one
student, Oswald "T" Square, '54E,
replied, "Who, me? Dates? Hmm .
yeah, I once had a date."
Unclad Prof
rAddresses Y.
"Dere is nothing more annoyink,
nor more hinderink to success dan
. er .. ah . .. vot was it det I
vas talkink about?
Aah yes . .. absentmindedness,"
Prof. Klaus Earwig declared em-
phatically Thursday to a meeting
of Young Prognasticators which
me Wednesday.
"Vere vas I?" he stated decisive-
ly with a gesture which encom-
passed the entire closet. "Fritz,
bring my glasses so I can find my
place," he related. "Oh, dot's
right! Fritz died last year. It
slipped mine mind," he said by
way of illustration.
"All mine friends seem to be
goink. My wife died several weeks
ago ... or vas it my daughter. Oh
vell this is not important. On mit
der speech."
"As I vas saying . . vell you
need . . . need I say more?", he
concluded as he realizedsthat he
had forgotten his trousers
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