Page Two

THE MICHIGAN DAILY

M nl~ d ntr Fb a 11d

Pn e way,oe Fruary i , IA95A2
CAMPUS HIT ByMalarky eIls-
PWorlds Clash
"It's nothing really, in the over-
al makeup of the spheres."
VESTIG TIONS That is how Professor Dan M.
Malarky, of the philosophy depart-
ment, modestly describes the im-
By ERASMUS DOOLINGLE portance of his life works.
S . The axe has fallen.
tUnder the searching probe of BUT THOSE who know Profes-
Sthe House Un-Midwestern Activi- sor Malarky say that he usually
~ - ties Committee, the University has does not have such a cosmic view
been rent from its grey-haired of things.
stem to its plush stern, "Why Dan M. is one of the
. Administrators, faculty members most down-to-earth m e n I
and even the students have been know. Look under any bar at .
thrown into a frenzy of turmoil any . ." one colleague slipped.
by the investigations of Rep. Elmo Universally disliked by his stu-
P. Snort and his colleagues- dents, tall, ugly Professor Malarky
With only the scantiest of leads is actually a devoted, kind family-
the Congressmen have pinned type man, and maintains his gruff
down members of the University demeanor is only a "cover-up."
community, as being not only un- "Don't want these students to run
Midwestern, but un-Republican. all over me you know."
WHAT WAS a week ago an HIS FAMILY consists of what
easy-going, devil-may-care acada- the neighbors call a "long-suffer-
cian's paradise, is now a shock- tig" wife and two grasping daugh-
+ Z_: + ed repentent, leaderless, drab, tens. His favorite at home, ac-
SA chastened wake cording to the professor, is his red
s r r op ranking officials in the Ad- blood hound Plato
ministration are either trying to An avid scholar, Professor
cear themselves of Snort's fiery Malarky is noted for mallg .~
charges, or are fleeing to the bor- more incomprehensible referen-
der to avoid prosecution under ces in his lectures than any PROF. D. M. MALARKY
criminal charges. (See story, p. 2). other professor ... something new
Most faculty members remain As one of his flunkees put it,
their class rooms, though a "Among men who know the least,
fesv refuse to be sen in public, it's Malarky iftysix to one." spent. Professor Malarky refused
he majority of these men de- tm n to say.
dfended themselves in sterling THE PROFESSOR haa built up There is a short hiatus be-
4.+orations before the committee hisa extraordinary reputation tween his play days at State
- But shrewd. Conresional on- through fifteen unbelievable yars College and his wardenship at
seas picked them apart-proving . Wrongagin. There are no on-
themfor he ms pa to b asfirmations on this, but rumor
un-Midwestern as the next man. has it he transferred from- the
PROOF POSITIVE: OFFICIAL GOVERNENT PHOTO PRO The biggest blow has been to state institution at Lansing to
VIDED BY REP. E. P. SNORT SHOWS CAMPUS WHEEL LEM he students as ao uffer thNotsgh another located in Jackson,
PILLBOX BARKING AT SIDESHOW of their academic leaders under In his spare time the professor
the penerating fire of the probers. commutes to Washington to prac-
Their own fellows have been shown tice public speaking in the Senate.
o ir7 M'.++o * as traitors to the cause
' 'c?'? part PROFESSOR MALARKY has
t "t^ r -si kSNORT PROVED beyond a n e v e r published a "scholarly
f oama doubt that many students do not work," but he is currently working
, .t s' " ' even live in the Midwest. "This is on a philosophical - astrological
to be deplored beyond a shadow theory which "should shake things
of a doubt" he snorted. up a bit.
f ;'. w "Further, I have proof, proof
v e ~ ~., beyond a shadow of a doubt, c"It all has to do with the
that the very much respected cosmos," he explained, thumb-
campus leader Lem Pillbox-and ing through a "Stars" magazine.
for Your I dare to say this off the floor "Come and see my laboratory."
Vale nnfphony. I repeat a phony. s- a-The professor would not elabor-
ate on his theory any further, but
Snort then produced photo-, atev his labyacfortable
graphs showing Pillbox to be noth- he revealed his lab, a comfrtable-
yi lookng room equipped with a
V n -ing more than a cheap sideshow
bakr!taidso..LT well-stocked bar and two poker
- barker at a sideshow. PLATO tabls
But when the committee is gone, . . . a blooded hound
and un-Midwesternism is squelch- * * "You see," he said, devotedly
ed from the campus, really truely at the University. "I hate it here," stirring a bubbling cauldron, "I
Midwesterners are planning a re- he confided, "but a man's got to can't explain yet, but it might
-- ~ '~"4~ ' vival of Midwesternism here at live." even revoluti nze the Phoenix
Midwestern University. The gaunt, fun-loving gentle- Project.
man came here in 1937 from
Wrongagin Boys School in Alas -I (lY
ka, where he was warden. He C aii er
began at the University as a full
professor and head of his de- To Tryouts
partment. Through a series of
- what Professor Malarky calls,
"fortunate mistakes" he has Tryouts for the Student Play-
been demtoed steadily, n ow er's coming production of Vyeshe-
"precariously"holding an assist- slav Fardrate's adaptation of
ant professorship. M a x i m Farblandzhate's "The
Rings shown "I don't like responsibility," he Tzodrater" will meet at 4 p.m.
priced from Whle youreexplained, as he carefully exam- tomorrow in Rm. 5706 of the Ro-
p d mumed a round green object. mance Languages Bldg.
' N5 O00 REMINISCING WH "" A knowledge of Sanscript is neo
-op talk! WHERE HIS early life was cessary.
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