Page Ten T HE MI( CH i G A N D AIIYv C-4.. .-A- C t_ ...... 1 I 1 n730 P Tnc 5IV% i %. n1 IN u H eA ii\L. LSaturday, February IL, 0193 The Staff Of The J-Hop Extra 4 .. . Bear Facts.. . Managing Editor Associate Editor Associate Editor. Associate Editor JOSEPH S. MATTES .TUURE TENANDER WILLIAM C. SPALLER .. ROBERT WEEKS J-HOP ISSUE EDITORS JOSEPH S. MATTES EARL R. GILMAN ASSISTANTS: Helen Douglas, Robert I. Fitz- henry, Joseph Gies, Walker R. A. Graham, Roy Heath, Saul Kleiman, Morton Linder, Robert Mitchell, Sue Potter, Roy Sizemore, Jean Smith, Dorothea Staebler, Stan Swinton, Tuure Tenander, Virginia Voorhees, Joe Freed- man, Edward Magdol. Robert Perlman. Business Manager. Credit Manager. Advertising Manager ERNEST A. JONES DONALD WILSHER NORMAN STEINBERG J-Hop Issue Business Manager PHILIP BUCHEN J-HOP ISSUE Local Advertising Manager Walter Stebens Circulation and National Advertising Louis H. Grossmann Publications and Classified Walter Nielson Service Manager Stuart Robson Accounts Manager Robert Tiedeman Women's Business Manager . . Helen Jean Dean Women's Advertising Manager ......... . Marion Baxter ASSISTANTS: Harold Goldman, Ray Frederick, Connie Bryant, Phil Westbrook, Tom Slattery, Jane Mowers, Florence Michlinski, Margaret Bremer, Zenovia Skoratko. All This Talk Is Silly. .. A LOT OF LOOSE TALK is being bandied about to the effect that the J-Hop, now in session, will do wonders toward hauling us out of the recession, also now in session. Such talk is designed to take pee-wee brains off their troubles. Certainly there is not a word of truth in it. In the first place a recession is basically and fundamentally a lack of cash. Prosperity, obviously enough, is a plentitude of cash. Even though that isn't right economically 51 speaking, it's right. Now, when it comes to picking a collegian as clean as the hound's proverbial tooth, nothing beats a J-Hop. Nobody can recall, even in the pre-Hoover days, a single individual who survived a J-Hop with plenty of cash, or even any cash at all. The reasoning involved in this J-Hop-equals-pros- perity skull-duggery is something like this: the social- ites in an attempt to appear at their best for the festivities, will put out plenty of potatoes for things like hair cuts, white ties, permanents, manicures, bottled goods and other sundries. This starts cash circulating among the local shopkeepers who in turn go out and buy things and so on, ad nauseum. But here's the catch. This nice economic circuit is shorted when it comes to the student. Students don't have much of anything to sell. They just put out and when they get done putting out they are in a financial hole second to none. There is a notable exception to the statement that students don't have anything to sell and that they aren't brought in for some of this J-Hop created pros- perity. Sam, the old-clothes man has been known to buy from students, but his buying power seldom exceeds two bucks. Maybe this prosperity will hoist it to $2.50, which seems about right for a slightly used tail-suit with boiled shirt tossed in. To Our Readers T HROUGH THESE PAGES march George Pookie, Joe Zilch, Oxie O'Rourke, Johnny Greenbehindtheears, Hale Carnegie, Mazie Hootie, Mr. Blooey, J. Spiegel, Herman the Bartender and others, all figments of the J-Hop extra staff's imagination. When these characters were created, and when situations were made for them, they seemed passably funny to us, sometimes even hilarious. Now that they're written they don't seem quite so funny. Only a true work of art seems good to the writer even when it's too late to change it. We wrote to our own senses of humor, as anyone oust if he is to have a good time writing humor. But these pages are essentially for you who attend the J-Hop. We hope you enjoy reading them as much as we did writing them. The J-Hop Staff, By RAJAH BLABSON YESTERDAY we dropped into that den of iniquity on East Huron Street that houses Oxie O'Rourke, our favorite bookie, and his business. Sitting there chewing over the effect of the J-Hop on income were those other two betrayers of local youth, Herman the bartender and Sambo, king of the galloing cubes. Oxie was speaking. He claimed that pre-J-Hop saving had crippled all worthwhile industry. "Before the J-Hop I had a good business," he told his companions. "It was illegal and so practically my only overhead was hush money. Oh, I had a few other minor expenses. For one thing I had to buy lollypops for the kids from the Unigrational Church. "They would (Oxie con- + inued) come down every Sun- day after their classes in church, and then I'd pass out the suckers, one to each of them. The little brats would put two bucks on some nag's nose, they'd never bet place or r show. I'd clean their little pants off them regularly. "I wasn't mean to them. IfI they wanted credit I used to give it to them. But I'd make them pay me back even if, as was most often the case, they would have to take the money out of their daddies' pocket- books late at night. If they didn't pay me I'd tell their daddies and they'd get their litle hind ends blistered. If I should ever have a progeny he won't be dull-witted like these Sunday school boys: he'll Oxie learn his arithmetic from the Daily Racing Form. "But all this business stopped with the J-Hop. About three weeks ago all the college boys stopped coming down. I'd noticed about a week before that they never had beer on their breath when they came up to my cage, and I should have suspected ..." With this Herman, who had since dropped out of the game, opened his yap. "I did my best to keep them drinking beer. For one thing, I told them if they didn't the casks would never be emptied and there would consequently be no bock - beer this springtime. "Then I told them they could go to the Moose twenty times for the price of a J-Hop ticket. But they got funny ideas about orchestras. This saving of money will ultimate- ly hurt those college boys, for with the brewing and horse- racing industries closed down there will be few, if any, wages paid, and there won't be any drunks to spend money freely. "But, have another beer, all s of you. I can't sell it so I might as well give it away." This expansiveness with beer on Herman's part trou- Sambo bled Oxie's conscience. Ac- cordingly, the latter did what he always did when he felt obligated: he guided Herman into a dark corner of the basement and gave him a tip on a horse at Hia- leah for last Thursday. Roxie practically rationalized Hialeah into existence, for it had closed, along with everything else, three weeks ago. Most of the horses had died, and the Daily Racing Form was carrying recipes in an effort to increase circulation. Sambo, who, having gone through everybody's funds like Pluto water, wasn't feeling so bad, had his troubles too. Unlike most gamblers, he had an eye for the future. "Well," began Sambo, "everything came so easy this last fall that I loafed. It was a dismal night when I left Washtenaw fraternities and sororities with more thirty pesos collectively. I happen to play dice like Duke Ellington plays the piano, but I never once used loaded dice, which make it harder for a good manipulator like me to win. "When everybody began saving their money I took to following the sandwich man around, catching them when they came down for a bit. 1 After a while they got sore, and that's why I've got these two black eyes." At this everybody looked up quizzi- cally at Sambo, then foolish- ly at each other and then, of course, down again. Herman Everybody had nothing to say, and said it. So, their sad tales ended, they all got up and walked away, leaving one with the general impression that three great industries had buckled, putting the nation in a hideous recession, because churches and the W.C.T.U. don't keep much money in circulation after all. Fixed Costs, TheCINEMA Multi-Dating */By JOSEPH GIES The movie mart for the Hop week- end, scanned in brief fashion witn an eye to Saturday and Sunday mat- C e uinee speculations, contains one item which appears solid enough for the current investment price, another that perhaps should sell a little short Last Factor Blinds Eyes Of Buyers, in the present supply-and-demand schedules, and a third which un- Experienced Economists Claim; doubtedly will prove a gilt-edged Two Paths To Prosperity bottled-in-bond good thing. Reading from left to right, they are Man- By BOJANGLES Proof, with Myrna Loy and Franchot Why does a recession recede? Tone; The Last Gangster, with Ed- Ten University economists (not the ward G. Robinson, and Every Day's kind that economize for the Univer- A Holiday, with the ineffable, un- sity at Lansing) when questioned last quenchable Mae West furnishing a night settled with finality the prob- temporary upswing in a proverbially lem that has set the nation on its depressed market. back for several months. The slump in the Golden West Prof. Shorey Peterson led off the stock predicted as a result of the re- symposium by pointing out that all cent activity of the Federal Radio recssyiosike ti gwates ataoodCommission's censor in connection recessions, likAn Arb avs otrecd with the Adam and Eve deal on a "The only question," he said, "is Sunday evening program has failed whether they will recede eventually to materialize. Instead, it is reliably or sooner, and if so how high and dry reported that Gideon Bibles, Inc., has will the campus be. hit a new high following the stimulus "However, before the situation can of the West salesmanship. At any rate be completely remedied, the main the episode does not appear to have cause of the slump must be eliminat- had an adverse effect on the box of- ed. This was undoubtedly the illegal fice selling price of West, which is combination of fraternity men in re- still listed as Preferred on practically straint of competition for coeds. all exchanges. Other attractions of "There are two paths to prosperity: the Every Day's A Holiday personnel a return to free competition for wom- include Edmund Lowe (whose stock en for the J-Hop; or complete Univer- is higher than the name indicates), sity regulation of not only hours, but Charles Butterworth, Charles Win- quantity of dating and distribution inger, Walter Catlett and Chester of affections. We face a crucial crisis." Conklin, At the Majestic Exchange, Despite the conclusive evidence of- Saturday and Sunday, fered by Professor Peterson, Prof. Ed- The next best product for week- gar (G-Man) Hoover claimed that end buying, the Loy-Tone issue, also secret information brought to him by featuring Rcsalind Russell among its government agents indicated that re- selling points, is recommended for cessions, slumps, declines, or depres- those who like their film stocks light sions-like sunspots, are here to recur. but steady. At the Michigan Curb, "There can be no doubt," he vowed Sunday. "that the cycle in female affections- from coldness and multi-dating in the early fall, to going "steady" about around, to affection (until J-Hop O n T he Level morning) in proportion to the flow of currency, to multi-dating by the time the second semester starts-this cycle is endemic to the University system of By WEAG limiting the number of women to one- The J-Hop is a lot like the Demo- third the number of men." cratic Party-the only difference is However, Prof. Robert S. Ford, that the J-Hop might possibly end commanding attention by pounding up in the black. on his desk, calmly refuted (he * * claimed) both Professor Peterson and This year the J-Hop Commit- Professor Hoover in his soft, silken, tee had two platforms-one for sonorous, Southern syllables. "Tax- Kyser and one for Dorsey. And ation," he yelped, "taxation is the the planks are for dancing so all source of all evils, just as sure as parties are pleased. Mother Nature is the source of all good. As usual, the affair is priced some- "Were it not for the three per cent thing like a Jackson Day Dinner, but sales tax in the sovereign state of at The Hop you get a few hot tunes Michigan, students would not take and not quite so much hot air for taxicabs to the J-Hop, would walk, your money. wear out their shoes, buy new ones. _ a and the flow of consumers goods thus And then every J-Hop has its stimulated would give the recession N.L.E.B."No Liquor Remains a recess." in Bottles." But Prof. Charles Remer, unim- pressed, maintained that the fall in House Parties have their W.P.A.- international trade was both the 'Whatta Party Afterwards!" and cause and effect of the economic de- 'heir own A.A.A. - "After-Alcohol cline Ann Arbor and the United Asininities." States are facing. The University Loan system, how- However, house parties aren't what ever, was attacked jointly bsn Prof. they used to be. The days of the pa- Leonard L. Watkins and Prof. How- jama parties and all night dances are and S. Ellis. "The artificial restric- over, and girls move into fraternity tions upon credit, they affirmed, in- houses merely to see what kind of a terfered with the expansion of in- dise the boys have to put up with dustrious love affairs, since Michi- all year. gan Men with depleted resources were prevented from borrowing sufficient But one of the houses is going capital to finance the appearance of to have a lot of fun after the their O.A.O. a from the home town JHp veanth The lower expenditures, thus neces- J-Hop is over and the girls have sitated, caused the current produc- trucked back to their regular tion to become overproduction.," rooms. The boys have planted An entirely different view was taken a dictaphone system throughout by Prof. I. L. Sharfman, head of the the house and plan to listen to economics department and railroad the cow-sessions that always con- expert, who maintained that the de- tinue to the wee hours. crease in multi-dating and the in- crease in steady-dating, culminating Thus goes another J-Hop, and by in the J-Hop are closely linked to or- the time the red marks of starched iginal cost (reckoned from the begin- collars have worn off male necks and ning of the semester) less deprecia- the red marks of necks have been Lion. "The constant building up of washed off male collars, the girls will investments made by Michigan men," have their memories pasted in scarp Professor Sharfman said, "has con- books and the males will be stuck tributed largely to the present mar- trying to find money for textbooks. ket condition. The boys are just pur- uing the old merican custom of very significant," Professor Haber orotecting their investments. only cmetd there was no need to call in the Marines. The local boys seem to have More weight was given to the curve the situation well in hand." representing the percentage of good The consensus of labor experts, movies and dances in Ann Arbor by Prof. William Haber, Prof. Margaret Professor Elliot. Mr. Horner, how- Elliot and Robert Horner, indicated ever, leans slightly to the curve of that the whole problem is one of lipstick consumption as an idea of nurves. "Curves hold the key to the dating. whole question," they said in unison But they were all agreed that the last night. whole thing is a matter of curves. "If the income of students is plot- "And," they sad in conclusion, "if :ed on the same graph with their the curves don't alter there'll be no grades, the point of intersection is change."