OUT OF ORDER
U. of New Mexico
Hello, is anyone there? A U. of
New Mexico emergency phone was
recently adorned with a memoran-
dum reading: "Please do not get
raped or otherwise attacked at, or
near, this location. This Emergency
phone has been inoperative since
July. The UNM Police have been
informed, but no action has been
taken." This warning reaffirms a
solid message for all students: If
you plan to be attacked, please, by
all means, bring a cellular phone.
WHAT'S
UP(STREAM)?
U. of Nebraska
Something fishy was going on
at Nebraska this fall: An unex-
plained giant fiberglass salmon
appeared one morning illegally
parked in front of the union.
Turns out "Fin" is a walk-through
display on a national tour to edu-
cate people about a House propos-
al that could endanger the Endan-
gered Species Act. Fin had been
parked legally, but some jokesters
moved it to its new perch. How
big was the fish, exactly? Oh, it was
10, no 15 - it was 100 feet long!
Put up a helluva fight!
CALIFORNIA
DRIVIN'
San Diego State U.
"On the road again." That's
7-
- -

ILLUSTRATIONS BY STACY HOLMSTEDT, ARIZONA STATE U.

what San Diego State's Steve
Lewis said 20 times to his trusty
sidekick Monte as the two
attempted to visit all 21 schools in
the California State U. system in
one day. The road warriors did
manage to plant an SDSU pom-
pon at every university, but it took
them 30 hours to accomplish the
feat. Undaunted, Steve and Monte
have already planned their next
excellent adventure, and this one
will not be easy. They plan to
watch every Police Academy movie
in one sitting. Good luck and
happy Guttenberg.
LA CROAK-
ARAC HA
Kansas State U.
The officers at Bugnet are baf-
fled, as 40 exotic roaches from
Madagascar were found dead at
Kansas State's entomology depart-
ment. The roaches, valued at $15
per thorax, were poisoned. Another
35 are missing. The experts have
bugged the laboratory, but the cul-
prit seems to have
six legs up on the
authorities. The
cost of the crime
in toe tags alone is
staggering. This is
the first case of
reported insecti-
cide in the state of
Kansas this year.
. -GO
D RECT-
LY TO
CLASS
West Virginia U.
Whoever
said college was
all fun and

LOUNGE
LIZARDS ,
U. of Iowa -U 1
Talk aboutF
space constric-
tions. While resi-
dence services was
scrounging, UI
students were
lounging. Those '"-
who missed the
housing sign-up
deadline were tem-
porarily placed in
dorm lounges,
where as many as 10 people stayed for $2 a night. Right on the ball was
the housing office, which put out a newspaper, The Temporary Times,
with such articles as "Dealing with Loungemate Conflict." Bedtime
must have been a blast: "Good night, John Boy." "Good night...".

NO NEWS IS
GOOD NEWS
U. of Virginia
Why didn't restaurants catch on
to this years ago: If you get a bad
review, go straight to the source...
and hide it. That's what a food-ser-
vice contractor did at UVA when the
student newspaper ran a story tided
"Beware of inedible horrors lurking
in University's dining halls." John
M. Darmstadt, a food-service man-
ager, said he hid the papers because
he didn't think the review was fair.
The paper also gave the movie Babe
a bad review - the newspaper office
is preparing for a slop assault.
GO ON AND
KISS THE CAR
U. of Missouri, Columbia
Carmna - or maybe kissmet -
led Mizzou junior Amy Wissman
to a brand-new Ford Explorer this
summer. Wissman puckered up for
82 hours (minus brief breaks to
rest and eat) to win a contest spon-
sored by local radio station KISS
107 as part of the Coca-Cola Red-
Hot Summer Celebration. Good
thing the car wasn't a Peugeot or a
Renault. You know the French.
DINOSAUR SIDE UP
North Carolina State U.
Scientists at NC State are
clucking about the recent donation
of four rare dinosaur eggs to the
school. The eggs, sporting price
tags of $100,000 to $1,000,000,
are nothing to yolk about - they
still have the dinosaur embryos
intact. Researchers still haven't
decided what to do with the eggs:
dissect and study them, or make
the world's most expensive omelet.

r

board games was, er, right? At
least it is for students in a West
Virginia U. accounting class.
Playing a revved-up version of
Monopoly can amount to three
credits toward graduation. Pro-
fessors say the class is a lesson in
organizing personal affairs and
transactions and learning how to
borrow and invest money. We
know it's just an excuse to get
Boardwalk and Park Place, those
sneaks. Now, if they could just
translate that Free Parking space
to campus, we'd really be in
business.
..AND
COUNT-Y-ING
U. of Washington
John DeLeva has a dream. A
weird dream, but a dream nonethe-
less. He wants to be the youngest
person to visit all 3,086 counties in
the United States. And he's nearly

finished. DeLeva's odyssey began in
1984 while he was a communica-
tions student at the U. of Washing-
ton. He made a bet with four of his
fraternity buddies about who could
travel to the most counties in 10
years. The winner was to receive an
all-expenses paid trip to Heavenly,
Calif. The losers would go to Hell.
Hell, Mich., of course. Eleven years
later, everyone else has bailed, but
DeLeva is still trucking. He's cur-
rently on a 54-day, 23,260-mile
cross-country trip
to finish up the
last few counties.
After that, he'll
swing up to Alas-
ka and a few
Northwest islands
before settling
down and writing
a book. Heck, '
he's earned his
wings. -

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
Harvard U.
Do space aliens and higher education mix?
Not according to officials at Harvard. The dean
of Harvard Medical School warned John Mack,
professor of psychiatry, that his study of people
who claim they were abducted by aliens needed
a more scholarly approach. Mack, who believes
aliens have "invaded our physical reality and
[are] affecting the lives of hundreds of thou-
sands, if not millions of people," was given the
warning after a one-year investigation of his
UFO work. The investigation began after Mack
appeared on Unsolved Mysteries to promote his
book, Abduction: Human Encounters With
Aliens, about his treatment of 120 patients who
say aliens abducted them for sexual experiments.
And the Freudian explanation for thistone...?

BAR
EXAMS
Metropolitan
State College of
Denver
Dartboards
replaced chalk-
boards for a group
of students at Met-
ropolitan State this
semester. A lack of
space forced the
western civilization
class to meet at an
old local bar that
has been rented by the school to house the class. The video game nois-
es get frustrating after awhile, but it's not as bad as having to do your
term paper in neon.

POOL SHARK
U. of Montana
Cue the scary music. Just when they
thought it was safe to go to the movies, stu-
dents at Montana were treated to a dip and a
flick. A large projection screen featuring the
movie Jaws was set up at the edge of the Grizzly
pool, and students were invited to dive in and
enjoy the film. Approximately 30 students got
into the swim of things, and the cool tempera-
ture of the people-infested water didn't put a
damper on the screening. As if movie beverages
weren't watered down enough already. Yikes!

8 U. Magazine 0 November 1995