BY GLENN o
MCDONALD Phil Gran
ILUSIRATIION By D. SHAUN some Vi
CARTErR, WICHIA SATE: U. Bh
----------- - --rU. Buchana
cool. But m
Tthese days. '
Double er. What Il
Take bloody, year
Flotsam in Which w
the 'N et tio "year of
The proliferation of useless America's a o
online Information continues. kik hoxioe
And we love i! Amog the rhneatorcles
bands mentioned in an AOL slam let the
Worst Band Names board, My moo
categorized by the astute . yeuohl
U. Magazine staff: in ruthless
Bazme 'wily cunnin
Spiritual: worn old Re
Priesthole ple. I pity t
Smegma and the Nuns to make En
The Archbishop's Enema Fetish (For those o
Anatomical: type slowly
Black, Hairy Tongue
The Projectile Vomiters 4'S.
Bad Egg Salad
Just plain wrong:
Dead German Tourists
The information superhigh-
way shall someday lead us all
to a utopian world of coopera-
tion and hope. Until then, offen-
sive tme-wasting banter for allI
KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GREAT?
ill Clinton just took off the
ves this upcoming election
Enough with the patient
lomacy - he should start
ghts. I mean real fights.
to see him rabbit punch Bob
the Senate floor. Body tackle
im in the Lincoln Room. Use
cious kung fu move on
- maybe a circle kick to
plexus. Can you picture it?
emed president, a righteous
>f justice, kicking ass all over
biased. I like Bill Clinton. I think he's
aybe you're Republicao, or Lihertariao,
you Perot people are calling yourselves
'hat's floe - pick yosur owo prizefight-
saying is, let's drop all this tired elec-
sturing and get down to business - a
long battle royale among any and all
ould you rather have - another elec-
pathetic, fatuous attempts to misdirect
tention? Or a Pete Wilson/Phil Gramm
match? Let's not kid ourselves -
thinly veiled hostility of campaign
a primitive, barbarous aggression. So,
eboys be boys.
ey is on Clinton. What he may lack
ness he more than makes up for in
g. He's younger and faster than these
epublicans. Take Bob Dole, for exam-
he poor, confused man. He's pledging
glish the official national language.
of you who can't see through this, I'll
- sound out the big words, OK?
This is not a realpolitical issue.) So Clinton could
easily outwit him. Tie his shoelaces together,
maybe, then sneak up behind him and scream in
his good ear.
The primaries alone would be fabulous. Imag-
ine, instead of a New Hampshire primary, a Cae-
sar's Palace preliminary. Fifty thousand screaming
delegates, drunk on cheap Vegas gin, pay $800 a
pop to watch Lamar Alexander pound on Arlen
Specter's kidneys with a 40-pound copy of the
No more dull TV events, either. Remember last
year's vice presidential debates? Quayle, Gore and
that poor old Admiral, lamely trading arch remarks
about Jack Kennedy. Boooooring. But imagine Al
Gore in a Mexican wrestling mask! Colin Powell in
a pull-away Hulk Hogan shirt! Alan Keyes
squinting with Clint Eastwood-like
authority, cracking his knuckles, growl-
I'll admit, Rush Limbaugh
and Newt Gingrich - if they
run - would be a tough
And I'm not even going
to make any fat jokes.
No sieree - no cheap
shots in this magazine.
But God help the
to face the flaba-
lanche of volumi-
nous white flesh
cascading from thatcor-
ner of the ring. CJ' -
As the year goes
on, many candi-
dates will drop
out due to sag-z
ging polls, lack.
of funding or
ica will be witness to a
Darwinian struggle of epic proportions.
But when the victor emerges, bloodied and
draped in the entrails of the vanquished, we shall
surely have a New World Order. No one will dare
mess with America, because our leader will be the
meanest, scariest, ass-kickinest statesman ever to
prowl the South Lawn.
Hail to the Victor! Hail to the Chief USA is
No. 1 again!
Modest Pro osal
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PUBLISHER & EDITORIAL DIRECTOR
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TRICiA LAiNE COLORADOSAE U. 95
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AND THE.BEAT GOES ON..
PLEASE RECYCLE U ~
U. VIEWS / The Campus Dialogue
6 U. Mail, Opinion Polls and a sad, solo Thanksgiving.
QUICKIES/ Our Concession to Your Attention Span
8 Lively campus anecdotes in crispy, battered nuggets.
U. NEWS / You're Soaking In It
10 The Buzz, Byte Me, U. Lose, 15 Minutes and oh-so-much more.
U. LIFE / The Quicker Picker-Upper
12 OffBeat / Stripping for Dollars
Some students get upwards of $900 a night for taking off their clothes.
(For the record, we'll do it for free.)
12 Etc. / Licensed to Sell
There's gold in them thar sweatshirts! Merchandising college logos means big bucks for schools.
13 Dollars / House of Cards
Students find they must give credit when credit is due.
13 Pulse / The Price Isn't Right
Scalpel! Scalpel. Suture! Suture. Several thousand dollars! Students often shell out
loads of cash just to apply to medical school.
15 Class / Excuses, Excuses
Um, my grandma died and my sister's pregnant and the dog ate it, too.
Veteran professors share the most creative excuses they've heard.
15 In-Play / Low-Impact Sports
For those who prefer to Just Do It with a beer and a cigarette,
we offer these mellow athletic alternatives.
FEATURES / The Headache Medicine
16 Poll Vault
It's a brand spanking new election year! Between kissing babies, pressing the flesh and
bending campaign finance rules, politicians will be courting the youth vote with a
vengeance. Take cover now!
Stripping takes off.
18 Extra! Extra!
The days are long, the pay is low and burly crew guys tell you what to do for eight hours. But,
hey! You're a movie extra! It's Hollywood! Shine on, you crazy star!
R+R / Rock 'n' Reel - It's Square to Be Hip
20 Saturday Night Jive
Mad TV, the latest contender in the sketch comedy wars, takes a crack at
the hallowed Saturday night time slot. Alfred E. Neuman for president!
Who'll be our next
r and Blair Mark. lilitch, Western Michigan U.
/ s ~^!721F/6 ATN6.Tc_76/V
YEAH.. Az fA'eIY7#a//S
rHEON. A4loorT TMr 'o~i
Ti IrIN elo
601AB''9 OVF ~TO
50f /a1zOT /MORE
Tracy Chapman's new beginning - plus Rapid Fires, Pocket Band and our U. Radio Chart
Tom Hanks returns with Toy Story - plus Screen Saver and
on the set with the Kids in the Hall.
Win exciting and fabulous prizes! Check out our world-famous contests page!
WRAP i/ Write When You Get Work.
26 A Modest Proposal
Body slams! Eye gouges! Half nelsons! Politics! Plus Double Take and Strip Tease.
Spacevisito tolls Ooato ts GUEST EXPERT / The Alien
ho to rehid . unnmni' And you thought Clinton had exclusive access to The Alien.
Risking interplanetary conflict and journalistic integrity, we
LE flagged down the Mothership for a quick chat with the Weekly
Word News regular. It had plenty to say about this month's
issue, but reader be warned: This cryptic creature hasn't quite
grasped the subtleties of the English language. Although the
genitally challenged fella has no name (or clothes, for that
matter), we've taken the liberty of christening our celebrity
guest expert "Spud."
uCOVER PHTO BY BENJAMIN GLOTZER,
r n SYRACUSE U.
Those wackykids at
Kappa Tappar Keg give
new meaning to
"Look, Ma. No handul"
PHoTO BY CHRIS PRICK,
WEST VIRGINIA U.
26 U. Magaz;ne * November 1995