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October 12, 1995 - Image 13

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 1995-10-12

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.

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MICHAEL ROSENBERG
Roses AreRead
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After years of research, 47 highly-
paid University professors have
emerged from seclusion with an
amazing, startling, earth-shattering
discovery: NASA is the second-
biggest mistake in United States
history, right after Michael Bolton.
"This makes geniuses look like
fools," said one of the highly-paid 47,
who asked to remain anonymous.
(We'll call him "Julio.") "We
understand that this discovery will
amaze people. Some will even be
startled by it, although to call it earth-
shattering would be sensationalist
yellow journalism of the lowest
form."
There are a number of reasons
NASA is such a monumental mistake,
said the source.
"When Americans first decided
they wanted to land on the moon, the
reason was simple: green cheese,"
said Julio, whose real name is Martin
Bennett. "It was commonly assumed
at the time that the moon was made of
green cheese. In fact, most people
think that when Neil Armstrong
landed on the moon, he said it was
'One small step for man, one giant
leap for mankind.' But he actually
said it was 'One small step for man,
some giant cheese would taste fine."'
Of course, we now know that the
moon is not made of delicious green
cheese at all; the cheese is actually a
pale blue and tastes like solidified
Meister Brau.
The space program, of course, was
the brainchild of President John F.
Kennedy, Jr. Julio said that he
believed that the cheese disappoint-
ment led to the CIA's desire to
assassinate Kennedy.
"But JFK was assassinated seven
years before Armstrong landed on the
moon," I, the crack reporter, told
Julio.
"Yeah," he said. "That kind of
foiled their plans."
The biggest negative to come out
of the space program is the simple
phrase, "If we can put a man on the
moon, why can't we ..."
You know how it is: "If we can put
a man on the moon, why can't we get
e-mail to work faster?"
Or, "If we can put a man on the
moon, why can't we make a tasty fat-
free food?
"That's misleading," Julio said. "It
sounds so great: 'We put a man on
the moon.' The truth is, we sent a guy
to collect some rocks and take some
pictures in a funny suit, and he came
back cheeseless. We could do that in
the Arb."
People figure if we can put a man
on the moon, we can do anything.
Just last week a friend of mine
repeated the ever-popular com-
plaint, "If we can put a man on the
moon, why can't we create a diaper
that you can change with remote
control?"
The reason is obvious: my friend
can't put a man on the moon. Heck,
with his diaper troubles, he can't
even moon a man. Men were put on
the moon by people who understand

astronomy, and those people
generally have little use for diapers.
"Why do people assume that they
had something to do with putting a
man on the moon?" Julio asked.
"Nobody watches Michael Jordan
and says, 'If we can do a 360 slam
dunk over two guys, how come we
can't get a decent bagel in this
town?"'
When the space program was
started, Houston lobbied to be the
headquarters, using the slogan,
"We'd go to the moon to get away
from these damn mosquitoes." And
for a while, The City Of Stifing
Heat was pleased with the decision,
largely because the space center
was air-conditioned.
In fact, the program as a whole
was seen as a tremendous improve-
ment in our way of life. But if we
are merely collecting rocks, have
we made progress? Or have we
regressed?
But I digress. Houston eventually
grew to hate housing NASA

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By the Daily Music Staff
Cover photos by Evan Petrie

USIC... we all
love it. Unfor

tu nately,

we

don't always know how
to get to it.
For those of you who
are not human atlases,
the Daily Music 'Staff

has

put

together

a

guide to Metro-
Detmit's more popu-
lar concert venues.
On page 7,you'lI find
the Weekend, e
teWeedemusic guide - direc-M
tions descriptions and
other interesting facts
you have always

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