TOCY TOUH
Iowa State U.
Ever want to jump up and
touch the goal posts before a foot-
ball game? Just reach on up there
and... oops. U. of Iowa freshman
band member Robert Rubocki got
on a friend's shoulders to touch
Iowa State's goal post before the
Iowa-Iowa State game, but as he
was hanging from it, the post got a
little tipsy. In fact, it was falling
down. Both sides say they'll stick
to the tradition of the players tear-
ing down the posts after a victory.
But nice try, Robert.
AL L PRESENT?
BEEP!
Michigan State U.
Students aren't just numbers
at MSU - they're UPCs. Not
only are ID cards scanned when
students go to the cafeteria,
now some economics professors
are experimenting with swiping
the cards to check attendance.
The system was tested on two
days, and all 500 students
checked in on time. Either that
or they all ordered the ham on
rye. One of those.
SMOKE THE VOTE
U. of Massachusetts, Amherst
The pro-hemp and -marijuana
folks always get a bad rap. Who
says they're not motivated enough
to mind their soapbox and work
toward legalization? The students
at U. Mass have gotten approval to
include a check-off box on the
university's tuition bills. It will
allow them - or their parents -

ILLUSTxArIONS BY WILLOW COOK, U. OF CALIFORNIA, DAVIS
GOD ON THEIR SIDE
U. of Nebraska
Herbie Husker, the longtime mascot of Nebraska's
Cornhuskers, was recently retired by the administration
in favor of a new, yet-to-be-named mascot. As you can
imagine, this did not go over too well with many
Nebraska traditionalists. Of all the forces rallying to save
Herbie, none are as tough and tenacious as, well, as the
Contemplative Sisters of the Good Shepherd. Six nuns
at the north Omaha convent have taken to sewing Her-
bie Husker windsocks in support of the fallen mascot.
Although the convent has been sewing the windsocks for
the past six years, orders have quadrupled this season.
Why are the sisters so supportive of Herbie? "He's civi-
lized," says Sister Grace Irene Marshall. "He's the only
one we don't have to go behind and pick up after."

est is," assures Steve Knorr, assis-
tant director for the development
of the agriculture college. MU is
conducting a national search for
the lucky recipient of an
endowed professorship in soy-
bean bio-technology. Don't
laugh. The endowment is
$1,100,000. That's a lotta beans.
Interested yet?
THANK HEAVEN
FOR SCIENCE
Harvard U.
Residents of fraternity and
sorority houses are far more likely
to go on drinking binges than their
classmates, according to a study by
researchers at Harvard U. Duh.
UPS AND DOWNS
U. of Idaho
A fraternity and a sorority at
Idaho have really gone through
some highs and lows recently.
The Farmhouse fraternity and
the women of Delta Delta Delta
teeter-tottered for 48 hours to
raise and lower and raise and
lower and raise money for chil-
dren's cancer research. The
event drew to a close when a
Tridelt said, "Teeter totter, tot-
ter teeter.... Let's call the whole
thing off." The two houses
raked in $423 for the effort,
and the members, undaunted,
are now going to sit on ice
packs for 48 straight hours. We
doubt they'll raise much money
for this feat.

4,1
OLLYWOOD'S GETTING A BIG OL
lump of coal in its stocking this
year. Tim Allen's tossed out his
pillows. Macauley Culkin's too
busy partying to outfox those
wascally burglars. Even Tiny Tim's
probably off trying to sneak into
Showgirls. We've got adventure, fantasy,
drama and scandal, but no heart-
warming holiday hash. If you want
Bumble the abominable snowman,
rent Rudolph.

to contribute $5 to Campus
Cannabis Coalition. Says the U.
Mass chancellor, who disagrees
with the decriminalization of mar-
ijuana: "It should not be high on
the university's agenda." Oh well,
wanna hit?
NOSE GETTING
L ONGER'?
U. of Virginia
A study at UVA shows that
when college students call home,
there's a 50-50 chance that they'll
lie to Mom. The
study was based
on the diaries of
77 UVA stu-
dents in which
they recorded
every conversa-
tion they had
and what lies

they told for a week. The test
group reported a total of 1,000
lies - about two a day for each
student. The most common lie to
Mom is that books cost more
than they do - so she'll send
more money. Another popular lie
is that you're staying in for the
night to study. Yeah, right,
Pinocchio.
CREDIT CONDOM
Clemson U.
In an effort to get people to
practice safe spending, those
financial wizards at the National
Center for Financial Education
have gone and slipped, er, bro-
ken, into the condom craze. The
Center manufactured prophylac-
tics for your plastic - the small
slips of paper form a pocket for
credit cards. Clemson distrib-
uted thousands to its students.

Now, before they charge on in
there, students have to take the
time to remove the credit card
from the condom. Clemson
hopes they'll make students
think twice before they spend. If
only they'd make those for pints
of Ben and Jerry's.
SOY SAUCE
U. of Missouri, Columbia
This school takes soybeans
seriously. "The
future number
of students that
will benefit from
taking a look at
the technologi-
cal aspects of
soybeans will
continue to
grow -this is
where the inter-

Anthony Hopkins plays Mr. I-Am-Not-a-Crook.
Ed Harris (Apollo 13) also stars, but it just may need
a scene with Juliette Lewis shimmying to liven it up
a la Stone's Natural Born Killers.
Mary Reilly
Columbia/risaar
Let's see. How to get
a gorgeous woman in
the old Dr. Jekyll/Mr.1
Hyde story.... Make the
Jekyll half be a gorgeous woman? Done already.j
OK, make the gorgeous woman Dr. Jekyll's maid.
Who falls in love with him. Julia Roberts is the
maid. John Malkovich (In the Line of Fire) is the
mad scientist.
Wild Bill
MGM/UA
It's about time some-
one glorified the Old
West, brought to life
some of those legendary
heroes.... Ahem. Jeff1
Bridges (Blown Away)
plays the famous sharp-
shooter Wild Bill
Hickok. Ellen Barkin
(This Boy's Life) plays "
Calamity Jane. And if
you're really good, Buffalo Bill Cody will make an
appearance, too.
Sabrina,
Paraount p
Bogart and Hepburn"
made the first one a clas- 1
sic. Now Julia Ormond
(First Knight) fills
Audrey's shoes, Harri-
son Ford Bogie's, in this Cinderella tale of two
brothers vying for one girl. Greg Kinnear (the guy
on after Conan) plays the playboy brother. Talk
show guy or Han Solo? Tough call.
The Stupids '
S csy
Need we say more
Tom Arnold stars. Now,
need we say more? OK
OK. Based on the bt
selling kids' hooks, The
Stupids is about the Stupid family, a clan so dumb itrs
happy. Even the dog, Kitry. We re thinking they live
somewhere between the Coneheads and the Whiners.
Sudden,
Death
Universal
It's the seventh game
of the Stanley Cup
finals, the Pittsburgh
Penguins vs. the Chica-
go Blackhawks. Terrorists take a hostage. Pittsburgh
needs a hero. Mario Lemieux? No. Jean-Claude Van
Damme plays a fireman who races the clock to save
the day. Wonder if he has a hat trick up his sleeve.
Sense and
Sensibility
ColumbiaTrisar
Victorian sensibili-
ties just didn't make
sense - if Daddy died,
the girls were sunk.
Emma Thompson (Howards Ens) plays a daughter
left with money and men problems. Hugh Grant
plays one of the men. Thompson also adapted the
script, so expect women with old-fashioned oomph.

Screen Saver
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
You're not still a virgin, are you? Isn't there some'
sort of rule that you have to do it by Thanksgiving
break? Why not do it this Saturday night, at midnight
- and don't forget your squirt gun.
The RockyfHorror Picture Show, one movie that
only gets better the more you watch it, turned 20 this
year. And it's still going strong, probably at a cheesy
theater near you.
Rocky Horror features Tim Curry (The Hunt for
Red October) as Frank N Furter, the sweet transves-
tite from the planet Transylvania. He provides shelter
- and a whole lot more - for Brad (asshole!) and
Janet (slut!) on a dark and stormy night. A pre-Bull
DurhamSusan Sarandon plays Janet.
Rocky Horror is the longest-running film in cine-
ma history. How could it die? It's not like you can
pop it in your living room VCR, dance around in lin-
gerie, throw toast at your brother and shout at the
TV. Well, maybe youcan. But you kind of miss some-
thing if you can't have group sex ina packed theater
and learn new responses from people who have
taken in Shows around the nation.
Why such a cult following for a movie that's just
plain bad?
"Maybe it's like being in love," suggests Saran-
don. "You shouldn't try and dissect it."
-

Dracula:
Dead and
Loving It
Caste Rock
He's spoofed west-
erns, space and Kevin
Costner, Prince of
Thieves. Now Mel Brooks (Robin Hood: Men in
Tights) is taking a bite out of the horror genre.
Leslie Nielsen (Naked Guns), another king of satire,
stars as a clutzy Dracula. He's not a bad guy - he
just wants to neck.
Father of the Bride Part II
Touchstone Pictures
The bride (Kimberly Williams) is expecting; so
is her father. Can Steve Martin deal with being an
old Daddy and a young Grandpap? Didn't Dianne
Wiest do this in another Steve Martin movie (Par-
enthood)? Martin Short returns, only this time he's
coordinating the baby shower.

The Reel
Deal
Mighty Aphrodite
And you thought there
would never be use in
knowing deus ex machina
and all that other Greek
tragedy crap. Mighty
Aphrodite, written and
directed by Woody Allen,
has all the elements: A
hero whose hubris almost
gets the best of him, a
blind soothsayer named
Tiresias, a Chorus that
narrates the tale from an
outdoor amphitheater -
then steps into the hero's
New York apartment to
stop him from calling a
prostitute. It's classic.
Allen and Helena Bon-
ham Carter (Mary Shel-
ley's Frankenstein) play a
couple who adopt a baby
(no Woody Allen adoptee
cracks, please). Mira
Sorvino (Quiz Show) plays
Linda, the birth mother, a
porn star and
actress/hairdresser
wannabe.
Sorvino, whose char-
acter has an apartment
tastefully decorated with
phallic symbols, calls her
part the greatest dumb
blonde role in the past 25
years, if not ever.
"I walked around in
Philly in spiked heels and
in crazy little fluffy
sweaters and outrageous
leopard prints, and I was
Linda for three days in
preparation for starting
the film."
When the Chorus
breaks into a Broadway
number, you know you're
watching high comedy. Er,
tragedy. Whatever. Euripi-
des would be proud.

LIP SERVICE
Northern Illinois U.
Talk about slow news days. U. Magazine got
a big shipment of Blistex products (with yummy
lip-shaped chocolates, too - thanks, Blistex.), but
you don't see us wasting valuable space pushing
Blistex. (Blistex, Blistex, rah rah rah) The week-
end edition of the Northern Star, however,
devoted a whole page to the bodacious balms.
OK, they were a little tongue in cheek them-
selves. They scolded the company for not con-
sidering its male consumers and ended by ask-
ing for reader suggestions on lip gloss uses.
Next week: a scorching expose on new Tylenol
Cold and Flu.

SEIZE
YOUR
SALAD
San Diego
State U.
One of the most
sought after felons
this country has
seen in years was
brought to justice.
A San Diego State
student was cited
after allegedly steal-
ing a $3.76 salad
from a university
eatery. The alleged
criminal hid the a
salad between her body and a spiral notebook. As a diversion, she
became embroiled in a conversation on her cellular phone and walked
coolly past the cashier. An SDSU theft-prevention agent saw the trans-
gressor in the act, followed a crouton trail and caught the culprit red-
handed (Catalina dressing). After asking her to end her phone conver-
sation , the officer cited the outlaw for petty theft.

BEEROMETER
Rochester Institute of Technology
After years and years of extensive
research, the work of three RIT engineering
students came to a head. The trio has invent-
ed a keg tap that will tell even the drunkest
reader how much brew is left in the barrel.
The hallmark of the new tap design is that it
doesn't increase the foam quotient of the
out-coming beverage. "There is just no other
way to tell how much beer is left," explains
co-creator Dave Kneale. Finally, an answer
to one of this country's greatest riddles.
These modern-day Edisons are currently
working on a project to determine how
many licks it takes to get to the center of a
Tootsie Roll Pop.

Cutthroat Island
MGM/UA
It's 1650 on the high seas, where real men wore
patches (for motion sickness - those waters were
rough). Matthew Modine plays the swashbuckling,
treasure-hunting, rum-swilling, skull-and-cross-
bone-waving, timber-shivering lord of the plank.
And Geena Davis plays the babe.
Othello
Castle Rock~
Moor Shakespeare.
And what's a Holly-
wood Brit pic without
Kenneth Branagh? In
this classic tragedy,
Branagh plays Iago, one of Will's most legendary
bad guys. Laurence Fishburne (Higher Learning)
plays the tragic hero. Guess Keanu wasn't available.
Heat4
Warner Bros.
Al Pacino is the heat.
Robert De Niro is the
thief he's burning to
catch. Both are obsessive
in their pursuits, so suspense should simmer as they try
to outwit each other. Add Val Kilmer (the new Bat-
man) to the picture, and this movie burns hot, hot, hot!
Nixon
HollywoodPictures
Oliver Stone raked some muck with his take on
JFK's story. Now he's going after Tricky Dick.

I I 1 1
6 . ' a. ,a j,;nc " December 1995

December 1995 * U. Magazin" 19