'TCIO THD E oo
F ' ato e deweep in t mad- run
BY GLENN
MCDONALD
ILLUSTRATION BY
C.S. HARDING, U. OF /ARIZONA
Double
Take
First-Day
Freshman7 -
A Haiku Series
The slow droning buzz
My stupid-ass alarm clock!
Take that, clock! Take that!
Mmm. Sleepy. Yawn. Stretch.
Nine-thirty. Nine-thirty! Damn!
My eight o'clock. Missed.
This milk's gone chunky.
Expiration dates! And so...
Water with corn flakes.
Where's Hobbes Hall? Hey, you!
Where in the hell is
Hobbes Hall?
Goddammit! HOBBES HALL!
Late to class, I sneak
Quietly to the hack row.
Whoops! Tripped. Ow! Head
wound.
Hemorrhaging freely
As the ambulances wail.
Losing... consciousness....
My body... floating...
A long tunnel...
bright white light...
Bad... first day... of class....
HERE'S THIS ABSURD MYTH THAT
has been around for years -
maybe you've heard of it
about how the holidays are joy-
ous occasions of eggnog and
love. Please. We college students know
better - the holiday break is a tortu-
ous crucible of overinquisitive relatives
and amped-up high school friends.
You end up spending half your waking
hours defending your
lifestyle and the other
half knocking back
spiced rum.
December has the highest
suicide rate of any month, and
with good reason. You've just
come off that terrifying period
of accountability known as
finals week when, violently
and abruptly, they shut down
campus and send you home to
deal with your family. In your
weakened emotional state,
you're subjected to reunions,
dinners, intense interrogations
by various relatives and inter-
minably lengthy visits with
long-gone great-uncles:
"Well, nephew, I remem-
ber during the war... got these
bunions, y'know... this Ted
Koppel feller needs a swift
kick in the - Great Balls o'
Fire! Left the wife at the Wal-
Mart! Go kick-start the Stude -
baker, boy! Who's president?
Where the hell are my pants?" -
The holidays are not to be
enjoyed. They are to be 0 1a
endured. Your best bet for
surviving the next few weeks is 'aa
to go on the offensive. Take
this opportunity to throw a gentle spin on reality as
your relatives know it. Lie like crazy. Make stuff up.
Twitch a lot. It will keep them off-balance and keep
you occupied.
There are a few questions you're bound to be
asked, so be prepared. For example, imagine an
exchange of this nature: Fragile Aunt Helen
approaches you at the tree-trimming parry. "How's
the new apartment?" she asks.
"I date sheep."
"What?"
"The rent's cheap, Aunt Helen. I'm very happy.
Thanks for asking." Wait for her to stop trembling,
and excuse yourself to get more punch. For the rest
of the night, whenever she's in earshot, bleat quietly.
Everybody has a burly, sporto Uncle-Al-type
guy in the family, and he will always, without fail,
ask the following question: "How's the team this
year, boy?" (Even if you're female, Uncle Al will say
boy.) This is a good opportunity to play it up as
the snot-nosed college kid. May we suggest one of
the following:
- "The team? Oh, yes. That little adolescent
war fantasy played out every Saturday by the boys.
How droll."
- "I don't care about sports. I'm a poet now."
- "Piss off, fascist!"
If you really want to go for it, try this approach,
which I personally used in
1993 with astounding
results. Show up at Aunt
Gladys' Christmas Eve party
in an all-black mortician's
suit and heavy mascara.
Wear latex gloves and refuse
to eat anything that hasn't
been boiled. (This is a nice
touch, as it makes everyone
else a little nervous about
the food.) Dtherwise, act
naturally and engage in typ-
ical banter. When some
cousin finally works up the
nerve to ask about your get-
up, go bug-eyed and start
backing slowly across the
room. Whisper in terror,
"You're one of them, aren't
you?" Then lock yourself in
the bathroom for the rest of
the night.
Remember, your job is
to kill time and stay sane.
Get some laundry done,
maybe, or steal canned
goods to bring back to
school. Remain calm, stay
fairly drunk and don't make
any sudden moves. January
will arrive in time, and with
it, escape.
Then you can start plan-
ning for summer vacation.
knowledge in class Block the vote
than in obscure jour- [Regarding "Poll Vault," Nov.
nals nobody reads. 1995), I've given up finding a party I
Andrew Norris, like and resorted to voting for a dead-
junior, U. of Ten- lock. One party in Congress, the other
nessee, Knoxville in the White House. At least if the gov-
Berkeley, ernment is consumed in partisan squab-
Mad about Morrissey Berkley, whatever bling it won't be able to pass any new
If anything is pretentious, it's [tth e October 1995 issue, you fea- laws to screw me over.
Morrissey] review, not Morrissey's lyrics tured a story on a female wrestler How about this for next month's
[Rock, Oct. 19951. As a fan, I must ["Can't Pin Her Down"]. The article poll question: "Do you think it's time
inform the reviewer that the new album said she attended Berkeley High School for a revolution?" I bet you'd be sur-
blows Vauxhall and I away! Maybe it pised how many of us are just complete-
isn't as pretty as Vauxhall, but ly sick and tired of our sorry
Morrissey ain't pretty, and excuse for a government of, for
Southpaw Grammar is the and by the people.
superior album. The "lush pop Brad Hill, sophomore,
melodies" of Vauxhall were Michigan State U.
muffled and boring. The more Reefer Madness
powerful sound of Southpaw u
brings me out of my seat. ' Change"H Octobet 1995]
The review surprised tme. { 'r
Meanwhile, fans are happy as TFank Calhoon, assistant direc-
Meanhil, fiss te app astat of he health cenet as he
hell, and Morrissey is prepar- U. af Tenon, Atlingion, made a
ing to tour with David Bowie fewouulandish comments,
in the .. including that under the
CarUE. ViTasausnior effects of marijuana, "you have
no dive for anything." This
I'd like tn express my sad- simply isn't true. There are
ness at the review of Morris- millions of very productive
sey's new Southpaw Grammar. marijuana users. The notion
Morrissey is a talented artist that a jointnwill remove my
who has been around for years.r i " desire to get off my ass is
Compare him with other tal- E "absurd.
entless bands, and he comes up i Pa t E He also had the gall to
No. 1 every time. Admittedly, delare, "The stuff now is at
the Smiths are of a higher cal- least 10 to 20 times morer
iber, but you can't disrespect Morrissey in Huntington Woods, Mich. The powerful than the old stuff [from the
just because you dont feelhis pain. school is Berkley High, and it's in '60s]." Has the cannabis species some-
Eva Svec, sophomore, Berkley, Mich. Other than that, I enj.y how mutated in the past 30 years?
U. ofWestern Ontario, Canada urmagverymuch. Marijuana does not cause brain dam-
Era readtheMorriay rgeiew on the U Steven D. Uran,age. Marijuana is not addictive. You cannot
Magazine we site For morereviews and U. of Michigan law school overdose on marijuana. Marijuana is not
de n weth ste. th r didre reiws nlaced with heroin or PCP (it isn't
lots mfotherseufthat didn't ft in cost-effective for the dealer).
the magazine, check it out: http:/ ILSTRATION BY MICHAEL. WEBB, U. OF NORTH CAROLINA Calhoon's rhetoric had no
w. gnTenure tenure business being published in
Thanks tyour magazine. He isn't a reli-
Thanks much for your n-able source.
article "Riding on the Tenure anonymous,
Track" [Oct. 19951. It was very U. ofMaryland, College Park
informative and showed why
tenured professors are often PRe-Reefer
dull. Now I know the politics - Madness
of acquiring tenure, and I'm from "anonymous," I have a
very snrry this is hnw he sys- few things to add. First, it's a
tem works. er all, a profes- EFmatter of study and record
so's job is to teach students. ULthat chronic [marijuana] use
Colleges should have the finest can lead to reduced produc-
teachers (not necessarily re- tivity, motivation and drive.
searchers) achieving tenure. I Second, the growing tech-
used to want to be a professor, niques and the hybridization
but now I'm notisure I'd be sA . of the plant have produced a
w g pl h g .much more powerful plant.
willing to play their gam. ff Finally marijuana dos not
AprilMeClory, junior, contain substances, such as
Bowling Green State U., Ohio PCP or herom. But that's not
The articlerabout tenureeis Ato say somebody couldn't
disturbing but true. If profes- , lace it or put an additive in
sors have the option of quitting oAibtI guessd al ave to trust
whenever they want to, unive- tyouromehi dn't n
sinies should have the option of know about.
dismissing professors whenever Frank Calhoon, assistant
they want to. I find it humor- director, U. of Texas,
os that the emphasis is placed Arlington health center
on research and publishing
instead of teaching ability. . HFranh, sorry far spe ng
If research isn't effectively your name wrong in the October
passed on to students, it's use- issue. It was a shameless error
less to t he m. Res earch isand we believe 30 lashes with
important, but it's far more n1 t the wet corporate noodle are in
important to be able to convey order. --ed.
U. rules
You guys rule! This is the mag we
have been waiting for on campus for as
long as I canremember. Keep up the
most excellent work and stay onthe
edge - you guys and gals look good
riding the rail!
Jorge Diaz (a.k.a. Hacksaw),
grad student, Florida Int'l U., Miami
Work for U
Ask about our
assistant editor
program.
E-mail: editor
@umagazine.com
Applications due
Jan. 26, 1995.
Liberal or
conservative?
Conservative: 55%
Liberal: 35%
Other: 10%
I consider myself intelligent,
informed and intellectual, which
would automatically mean that
I'm a liberal. Brad Nation, senior,
U. of Oklahoma " In 1996, Clin-
ton and Gore will fall. Phillip
Angus, senior, U. of Northern
Colorado n More conservative, or
whatever Colin Powell is. Victor
Scamardo, junior, U. of Arkansas
" I think the majority of people
in our generation are liberal. I
believe that in the next decade
there will be a huge increase in.
the number of liberals and a
decrease in conservatives. Meegan
Glaser, sophomore, Washington
State U. 0 I'm more middle-of-
the-road than strongly for one
side or the other. I think most
people my age feel the same way I
do because we grew up watching
nothing change for the better.
Both parties have had their shot
at either the presidency or con-
trolling Congress, and we got
nothing. Nathan Byrne, fresh-
man, U. of Missouri, Columbia " I
am liberal by current standards,
but conservative when it comes to
the Constitution. Sam Meyer,
sophomore, Ithaca College, N.Y.
" I'm progressive more than liber-
al. Liberal has some negative con-
notations. I want some positive
changes to be made that would
include all people, not just the
rich and privileged. Mona Ables,
senior, U. of Alabama, Birming-
ham * I don't believe a one-word
description is adequate to
describe one whole ideology and
belief. So I'm neither liberal nor
conservative. I just have facets of
both. Dave Zatz, senior, U of
Maryland * I'm conservative.
Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gin-
grich are the best things to hap-
pen to this country. Jon Denny,
sophomore, U. of North Dakota."
I primarily label myself as liberal,
but as far as my voting record is
concerne d, I am first and fore-
most a thinker. Adam Smargon,
senior, U. of Florida
Do you have a
name for your
"thingy?5
Yes: 95%
No: 5%
Of all the weird-ass namesyou guys
came up withforyour "thingies,"these
three popped up the most often Stanley
the Power Tool, Mr. Happy and Rus-
sell the Love Muscle. Here are some of
the more unusual entries:
Party Torpedo. Chris Hinkley,
junior, Eastern Michigan U. * Jojo.
Michael Bowman, sophomore, illinois
State U. * Uncle Freddy. John Clift,
freshman, Ohio U. * Pipa for girls and
Pipo for boys. Helen Rocha, sophomore,
U. of LaVeme, Calf. * Pepe the Cuban
Love Sausage. Ted lliott, senior, East-
ern Kentucky U. * Little Elvis. Mike
Moser, senior, U. of Ilinois. *Garden
weasel of love, formy boyfiiend's. MlIS-
sa Jacobs, freshman, Mills College,
Calif. * Nigel. Ben Underwood, sopho-
more, KansasStale.* Fred, because my
girlfriend's name for hers is Wilma. Juan
Albahate, fashman, U. of North Florida.
* Taran. Andy Redalen, freshman, U.
of Missouri, Columbia. * No, but the
phrase "Oh, God" seems to come up a
whole Ins. Celine Harris, senior, U. of
New MexIco. * Tommy Stout. Wanen
Johnson, senior, U. of Mississippi.,*
Mr. Bubba. Keith Johnson, grad Stu-
den, U. of North Florida. * I call my
thingy Hope, after the diamond, because
everybodywants i, but no ne can seem
to get their handison it. Krisll Moffett,
junior, George Mason U., Va. * Elvis.
Travis Scribner, senior, Fulier State U.,
Fla. * Chilly Willy. Jeremy Brynes,
senior, State U. of New York, Cortland.
o Mr. Salty. Mike Luescher, senior,
Florida State U. " Scammy the Fire
Drill. Paul Rasmussen, junior, Calfor-
nia Stale U., Sacramento * One-Eyed
Gila Monster. Chris Chudik, junior,
Norlhern Arizona U. *Sausage, but pro-
nounced like "saasaage." Ben Thompson,
freshman, U. of Southern California. *
The Pillar Of Fury. Adam Stonewall,
senior, U. of Arizona. *The Dwarf. Nc-
hole Fromm, freshman, U. of Wiscon-
sin, Eau Claire. * Stop asking stupid
questions. You sound like little babies.
Bob Barth, freshman, Ithaca College,
N.Y. * Supersoaker. Cho Chomjinda,
freshman, U. of Califomia, Davis * Her-
man. Pat Comeaux, junior, Louisiana
State U. Bernie. Josh Evans, junior,
SouthernIllinois U.
U Polls
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you know now,
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Parliament of Crows, Carter and Coleman, Wichita State U.
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22 U. MagazI-ne " December 1995
December 1995 * U. Mvagazin e 3