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April 05, 1991 - Image 1

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 1991-04-05

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Why I Joined the Biker Mob

With the weather turning
warm, it's time for me to haul
out my bike. Since I get runny
noses a lot, if I tried to ride
through the frigid winter wind I
would run a serious risk of
Death by Mucous. But now,
with the weather getting warm
again, biking is the fastest and
most convenient way to travel.
Of course, biking also has its
NATHA X minuses, such as certain death.
T But if you want to-get
somewhere quickly, biking is
the way to go. A car is out of the question, with the
parking situation in Ann Arbor. In fact, most stolen cars
are actually abandoned - the thieves just want to take
your parking space. So a car in Ann Arbor is about as
effective, transportationally, as an aircraft carrier. And
when you factor in the cost of parking tickets, it's less
economical. Plus, owning an aircraft carrier provides the
added benefit of being able to avoid your nine o'clock by
ordering an air strike on the MLB.
Nevertheless, I'm not suggesting that all you automo-
bile drivers go out and buy aircraft carriers. For one thing,
it would do little to alleviate the lack of parking spaces
(Smith, Bob: Yourparkingspace is: North Campus). And the
activists would go nuts. Remember all the controversy

about cops carrying handguns? Think about the reaction to
aircraft carriers. We'd have a violent revolution. And
shanties. Hundreds of shanties. Shanties with elevators
and public restrooms. You couldn't even walk through the
Diag without bumping into a shanty. This would only
complicate the transportation scene. So for the time being,
aircraft carriers are not a feasible transportation option.
Roller-skating, for me, is out of the question. As a nine-
year-old, I was forced to visit a roller-skating rink with my
Cub Scout pack. When I got there, I couldn't see any
actual people roller-skating, just this blur whipping laps
around the rink at incredibly high velocity. Cautiously, I
approached the blur, contemplating a means by which I
could become part of it. I stuck out my hand and latched
onto one of the speeding skaters. For a few glorious
moments, I was one with the blur.
Then the P.A. announced that all kids under 12 had to
leave the rink. The skater I had clung on to detached
himself and left me stranded in a desolate corner. Soon the
rink was empty, with the over-twelve crowd poised on the
edge, waiting for me to get off the ice. After several failed
attempts to skate, I was forced to crawl off in humiliation.
To this day, even the sight of roller-skaters causes me
tremendous emotional trauma.
You should also rule out busing, unless you're forced
into it on account of living at Bursley/Baits. I don't care
what propaganda'the University tells us; nobody likes
living on North Campus. When you first got your housing

assignment as first-year students, did you ever hear
someone say, "Oh, you live in West Quad? Tough break. I
live in Bursley"?
Sure, the orientation leaders try to convince you
otherwise -"Burskty has many unique advantages. For
instance, its residents have the lowest cholesterol level of any
residence hall on campus."- but the fact is that North
Campus is a place where randomly selected students are
forced to stay for no good reason. This is unfair. I think
that you shouldn't have to stay there involuntarily unless
you do something wrong. They could make it a sort of
penal colony, like Siberia. Instead of getting kicked out,
students who fail classes or get into trouble could be sent
to North Campus. Then, if they study hard and keep their
nose clean, they would be allowed back on Central
Campus.
But this is beside the issue at hand, which is biking.
Aside from the convenience, the greatest advantage of
bicycling in Ann Arbor is the opportunity to maim inno-
cent pedestrians. During the fall, I personally took out two
civilians, and I don't regret it a bit. One of them was a very
serious-looking, business suit-wearing, briefcase-carrying
yuppie who clearly was the president of his high school
Young Republican Club.
What I'm getting at, pedestrians, is that we bikers try to
hit you. It's fun. We have these weekly meetings in the
steam tunnels to plan exactly when and where to strike.
Our eventual goal is to take out every non-biking student
that we can't convert, so that eventually the entire Univer-
sity community is biking. The rest can live up on North
Campus.

MklhganS

F Best of Ann Arbor Ballot '91

7

Please return to The Michigan Daily by mail or in person at 420 Maynard, 48109. Or, give this ballot to someone you know who works here.
BsResults will be printed in the April 19 Best of Ann Arbor annual issue of WEEKEND. Thank you for your time.
Best Restaurants/Bars for... Women's clothing Reason Corey Dolgon quit MSA "Date movie" (and worst)
Burger Thrift/used clothing Way of getting boyfriend to dance
French Fries Books Speaker/lecturer in past year__
Onion rings Textbooks Way Duderstadt gets to office Thing not to say to his/her parents
Pizza Used books Computing center (and worst)
Hot dogs Haircut Place to find parking Best (and worst) of the Rest I
Fried chicken Movie theater Student group/organization Excuse for a late paper
I Cheap beer VCR rental Most irritating student organization Excuse for cutting class
Hard liquor Liquor selection Fraternity to party with Fad (and worst)
Ice cream/Frozen yogurt Photocopying Sorority to party with Slang (and worst)
Coffee Sporting goods Secret society Thing about A2z(and worst) I
Hot chocolate Collectibles Co-op Hardest place to get alcohol I
Hot wings Groceries Best-dressed professor (and worst) Easiest place to get alcohol
Steak Greeting cards Best-dressed campus figure (and worst) Restaurant for the drunk
Chipati Florist Dorm (and worst) Best "Best of..." issue
Sandwiches Environmental Soundness Ugliest building I
Subs Shop-lifting Bathroom (and worst) Most Overrated... I
I Italian food Discount store Lecture Hall (and worst) Professor
Middle Eastern food Lingerie Worst roommate Course
Chinese food Magazines Sports team r I
Korean food Michigan items (sweats, mugs, etc.) Best (and worst) Entertainment Michigan athlete I
Mexican food Posters Local band RestaurantI
Deli Dancing spot Narcotic I
Greasy spoon Best (and Worst) of the University Concert in past year (and worst)
Breakfast Professor (and worst) Radio station (and worst)
ILunch _Course (and worst) Sports team (and worst) W e'd Like to Know...
I Late-night munchies Blow-off course Michigan athlete (and worst) We're trying to determine your opinion of
ICafe Sports team Place to go when in an altered state WEEKEND. Our findings are not for printing.
Delivery Michigan athlete (Please rate on a scale of 1-10, with 10 the highest.) I
Place for the folks to take you Library Best (and worst) Dating Stuff _Newseatures Mike Gill I
Dorm cafeteria (and worst) Place to study Pick-up spot (and worst) _Entertainment features _Larry Hu I
Best Overall Restaurant Place to work out Pick-up line (and worst) Sports features _Craig Linne
Best Overall Bar Best campus tradition Rejection line -Columnists Jesse Walker
Regent______and___worst)___ Place for first date -.Scott Chupack _Sketchpad-JntaChi -heWrdAcdngoGl
I Best Businesses for... Cause/issue/movement (and worst) Place for secret rendezvous tna mments: _lik __hpd
I Records Activist group (and worst) Place for going all the way Additional ____comments:_____
I Used records Protest slogan (and worst) Idea for unusual date
Men's clothing ..MSA member (and worst) Condom brand and style

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