ARTS Tuesday, April 2,1991 'The Michigan Daily Page 5 This Career choice not funny Career Opportunities dir. Bryan Gordon by David Lubliner I suppose John Hughes is getting really desperate for ideas. That's the only excuse I can find for his latest effort, Career Opportunities. You figure: he has already trapped five emotionally disturbed high school- ers in the library for Saturday morn- ing detention, made Ferris Bueller the envy of kids all around the world ip search of a day off, and left a cute little blond 10-year-old home alone for a week. What's next? How 'bout the story of a local nerd who gets locked inside a Target depart- ment store for the night with the town beauty? Hughes reaches so far this time that the story doesn't even take place in Chicago! Instead our hero, 21-year-old Jim Dodge (Frank Whaley), resides in the fictional town of Monroe, Illinois (though the movie was actually filmed in Georgia). Dodge, who has never been able to hold down a permanent job, lands the position of night clean-up boy at the local Target store. Whaley is one of the main prob- lems of the film. Best known for portraying Tom Cruise's friend in Born on the Forth of July, and also recently seen as Robbie Krieger in The Doors, Whaley is an ineffective nerd. He lacks any sense of comic timing and all of his scenes fall completely flat. Whaley doesn't possess that same empathetic geeki- ness of an Anthony Michael Hall, and he certainly won't inherit the throne of King Nerd. The other major flaw of the film surrounds Whaley's co-star, Jen- nifer Connelly, who plays the gorgeous Josie McClellan. Con- The Michigan Theater continues its Hong Kong Film Festival tonight wif h the raucous, adventur- ous, slapstick Peking Opera Blues. Set in China in the early 1900s after the first democratic revolution, the film tells the stories of three women, which are intertwined amid political espionage and the swirling colors of the Peking opera. Sheung Hung (Cherie Chung) is the muddle-headed wife of a newly deposed general who is trying to re- trieve a box of jewels she needs to survive on her own. Tso Wan (Lin Ching Hsia) is attempting to expose a conspiracy in which her father has embroiled himself, while Pat Neil (Sally Yeh) is attempting to start a career in the all-male Peking opera. While many consider Peking opera to be boring folk art, the scenes of the operas themselves are entertaining due to the subtext in which they are presented. In one, Neil and Hung suddenly appear on stage, out of script, in order to avoid gangsters searching the theater for them. During another, shady charac- ters exchange conspiratorial glances as Wan's father holds a laced dim sum in front of him, continually postponing a fatal bite as he laughs at the opera's antics. The scene is reminiscent of the opening to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, where Chinese dancing backdrops Indiana's high- staked negotiations for a diamond. In fact, the whirlwind-paced plot and high adventure of Peking Opera Blues more resembles the '40s style of filmmaking that Indiana Jones imitated than any other modern Hollywood film. The film barely slows down to explain what's to be done next; the characters either find themselves in absurdly funny situations (such as when they must perform split-sec- ond acrobatics to make four persons in bed seem like one) or they aro be- ing chased by one of many hostile gun-toting gangs. In short, Peking Opera Blues is pure entertainnient that doesn't let the audience rest-un- til the credits roll. Peking Opera Blues plays to- night and tomorrow night at 9 p.m. at the Michigan Theater. - Brent Edw4rds I Bumbling burglar Dermot Mulroney ogles buxom seductress Jennifer Connelly's jiggling breasts and thinks to himself, "That bitch is fly," in the latest film from the mind of John Hughes, Career Opportunities. IN em nelly (The Hot Spot) is actually not that bad as the local misunderstood beauty who wants to overcome her looks as well as her overly possessive father. However, director Bryan Gordon rarely lets Connelly's talent take center screen; the audience instead is treated to an array of shots depict- ing her breasts from a variety of camera angles. Connelly spends most of the movie roller-skating around the store in her underwear, always thrusting her cleavage into the cam- era so that it is prominently cap- tured. Gordon's camera usually strays away from her face to empha- size her breasts every time she passes by. This sequence sets up Connelly's most humiliating and offensive scene, in which she eroti- cally rides a hobby horse in an effort to seduce two bumbling hoodlums who are attempting to rob the store. This scene, like the rest of the movie, is demeaning and pathetic, treating everyone involved in Career Opportunities, both actors and audience alike, like total idiots. John Candy, whose cameos are really the only certainties left in a John Hughes film, appears as Target manager C.D. Marsh, the man re- sponsible for offering the job to Dodge. Candy is rather unfunny in his single scene, but don't blame him. The script is so awful that even he can't rise above it. Ultimately, Career Opportunities doesn't hold much water as a real film either - it simply becomes the stringing to- gether of one montage of scenes after another. The result is an 83- minute film devoid of any enter- tainment value whatsoever. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES is being shown at Briarwood and Showcase. Maybe Las Vegas ... Before Heaven or Las Vegas de- scended upon Ann Arbor, there were three. These members of Galaxie 500 calmly came out onto the stage Friday night and played a loud, psychedelic set. Guitarist/vocalist Dean Wareham's nine or 10 lines of lyrics, followed by sprawling in- strumentals, proved to be very help- ful for zoning out and just enjoying the music. Their intense, minimalis- tic sound filled the Michigan Theater and shook the seats, while still leaving the audience a bit dazed as they awaited the coming of the Coctmau Twins. And then they came and dazzled the audience ... kind of. The Cocteau Twins walked out, picked up their instruments and sounded great. The guitars strummed in rich, deep choruses which reverberated through the air. They led music perfectly suited to Elizabeth Fraser's voice, which is probably as close a runner-up to "the voice of God" as you're likely to find. Her subtle, ever-changing voice and lyrical style of gibberish sounded similar to the albums, yet different enough to give a sponta- neous, live feel to the vocals. In fact, it almost sounded like she was swearing at the audience during one of their last songs, but maybe my ears were playing tricks on me. In addition to the rich music came a great light show. The flow- ing textures, shapes and colors were reminiscent of many of the Twins' album covers, and they made an al- ready moody show dream-like. But even with shimmering vo- cals and lights, the concert still had its disappointments. Besides the fact that they only played for a little over an hour, both the drums and the keyboards were pre-recorded, with the Twins merely performing to; the tape ("Hey! Were those guitars o~ven plugged in?"), so how could ,they not sound great? The other downer was the general attitude of the band. They rarely moved, smiled- or looked into the audience, with all of them looking like they would rather be anywhere else but playing on that stage. Even with the brilliant rmmsic, vocals and lights, the .Cocteau Twins are not a great live band, but it really didn't seem like they cared. -Richard Davis Bad filmmaking for bad people The Unborn dir. Rodman Flender by Jon Bilik and Gregg Flaxman Never has a film so nauseated, so revolted, so depressed, so dismayed, so bored two reviewers, let alone one. You cannot even comprehend how bad The Unborn is. Its failure is unquantifiable; it can't be explained by a thumbs-down, not even an empty chair or an eaten peach. In this movie, mother-to-be Virginia Marshall (erstwhile good actress Brooke Adams) strangles her cat for no apparent reason. After we hear the crackling feline vertebrae, Brooke holds up her hands and they're covered with fur and ketchup. We can't believe that this film exists. Yes, it combines elements of good movies and has a morally rep- rehensible subtext about the Western literary tradition of the grotesque birth, but who cares about social values in the face of a film this bad? We cannot believe this film even exists. It isn't an insult to art - this is one case where art has no relation to anything that might be on the screen. In this movie, two new-age les- bians fight to the death over their fetus,- because, as the pregnant half of the couple states, "I just can't love you both. The baby needs all my love." Homophobic? Think re- ferring to pregnant women as "incubators" is offensive? Never mind moral content. We assure you: it offends everybody. This was the worst film we have ever seen and quite hopefully the worst film we will ever see. Can we tell you how bad it was? "We were ready to try Voodoo," says the hopeful father to the eugenicist. Little did he know he was only bid- ing his time until getting stabbed in the eye by his mutant technobaby. The mother is a paranoid depres- sive, her mother is unstable - is this a "Gothic novel"? Can you have "bad blood"? I bet she's aching for a mentally disturbed kid after this horror show. The acting's bad, the lighting flickers throughout, but it might've been the projector. It wasn't even scary or grotesque, which at least would've satisfied the worst of the 7-11 loitering scum. The script is so ludicrous, can we even explain it to you? No. And you're never going to see it, so you'll never know. Curb your cu- riosity and consider yourself lucky. on the seediest bathroom wall of the worst gas station in the worst neighborhood - with the exception of the fact that the authors have ac- tually signed their names to this defamation. Yes, the psycho-doctor has dreams of genetically engineer- ing a master race. More like master bait, on the part of the producers, to get people into the theaters to see this projectile garbage. Ha! How This movie is the equivalent of the most repugnant graffiti scrawl on the seediest bathroom wall of the worst gas station in the worst neighborhood --- The Hollow Men Cresta Arista Aaaahh! Tracks like "Don't Slow Down" and "The Moons A Balloon" just might forge a place for the Hollow Men as one of pop radio's babies, but that doesn't mean they're bad. After they've been rotated the billionth time on O.D. radio, though, we will probably be ready to slit somebody's wrists. The unifying trend on Cresta, the Hollow Men's third album, is the recurrence of a bizarre use of syn- thesizers. There's a funked up com- puterized-sounding wah-wah on "November Comes," and the clos- ing to "Pantera Rosa" is an array of arcade noises. These guys aren't just electron- ics, though. "Louder Than God" and "Headstruck" exemplify the skill- ful playing of the band members. Finally I've found something comes the Hollow Men. They, are valuable to play other than the recy- proof that a band can use technolog- cled classics. Just as I began to com- ical advances and still maintain its pletely doubt that my generation status (and integrity) as musicians. would ever contribute something This is '90s music. worthy to the history of music -Kim Yaged HOW'S THl*T RESUME LOOKING?? IT'LL LOOK A LOT BETTER WITH Classified Assistant Account Executive listed under WORK EXPERIENCE. AVAVAVAVA VA VA AVAVA VA VA VAVA N4* 4iuji i 94iiP is now accepting applications for Classified Assistant Account Executives. Stop by the Student Publications Building and pick up an application. Application deadline is Friday, April 12 Have you seen the commercials? You thought it looked pretty bad, didn't you. You thought it might even be funny, it was so bad. Let us tell you how bad this movie really was. It was worse than Howard the Duck. It was worse than It's Alive, a film which, if we were to interview the director- (an inflated anointment, to say the least), he would point to for inspiration. This movie is the equivalent of the most repugnant graffiti scrawl bad was this movie? Try combining the intelligence of Ginsu knife mar- keting techniques with the dialogue of a Tiffany song with the morals of a late-night teeny-sex flick with the cinematic excellence of ultrasound and you might get close. Whatever you do, whatever your fetishes, just don't see this movie. Believe us, there are better ways to exercise your constitutional right to poor taste. THE UNBORN is being shown at Showcase. .a * 25% OFF HEMP Clothing & Related Items 10% OFF Everything Else (Good thr 4-7-91 w/coupons) The highhhest quality of clothing A made with the highhhest quality materials, to the highhhest standard. V[IOHT 1 P 215S. State St., Ann Arbor ' I (upstairs) 995-DEAD