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March 22, 1991 - Image 2

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 1991-03-22

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.

Kudos, Credits and
Thanks for allthe Nachos

Personal Fashion Statements:

Between the judgmental townies
and introspective students of Ann
Arbor, there is a certain secret style.
Versatile, yet smelly. Whimsical, yet
leather.
Welcome to Weekend's 1991 Spring
Fashion Issue! Captured in these pages
is what local merchants and models
have discovered is this year's style.
The cover photo was taken in front
of President Duderstadt's house. It
took a long time to shoot, and we were
not apprehended. I suppose he wasn't
home. No way he lives there.
Pictured are Lisa DeBoer and Simon
Wright in clothes from Harry's Army
Surplus.
We had fun romping around cold
Ann Arbor in skimpy clothes for this
issue and we are eternally grateful to
the Brown Jug for supplying the
nachos. It was difficult to be
enthusiastic sometimes, but some
people really came through:
Capelli Salon on State Street was
responsible for the wonderful hair of
Maya, Elizabeth, Shellie, both Amy's,
Sunita, and Lisa.
Nan's Merle Norman on North
Campus Plaza did a terrific job with
Maya and Lisa's make-up!
Steve from Cycle Cellar missed a
basketball game to haul a Bianchi

hybrid and a Bridgestone mountain
bike up to North Campus in the rain for
us for the Junior shoot. Thanks!
All the sunglasses in this issue,'
unless otherwise specified, are from
Moran Opticals, who were nice and
foolish enough to trust us with them.
Hank from Marty's Menswear really
came through for us in a pickle, finding
clothes to fit a busy basketball player.
Our photographer, Jose Juarez,
bought beer and snacks for the cold
models. That was really nice of him.
Professor Graham Smith of the
History of Art Department was kind
enough to allow us to borrow his lovely
dog, Tonka, spontaneously for the
picture on page 9.
The cover graphic was designed by
Faye Snyder of the Daily business staff,
who made a 91 fast! The "classy"
graphics for each grade level were done
by our hero, Nancy Sagar.
Kudos, potatoes, and couch stuffing
to Lydia and Lisa for guarding the
sunglasses, fashion consulting, amusing
the models from the sidelines, and
getting up early.
Final thanks to Matt, who waited out
in the cold and I never showed up
because I was working on this.
- Erica Kohnke
Fashion Issue Coordinator

Free to be
The first
fashion
statement I
would like to
discuss is the
Bikini Fashion
Statement. The
bikini is a
fashion piece
that says to
everyone that
the person
wearing said
bikini cats
nothing but birdseed 365 days a year and
is a product of a large beer company's
bizarre advertising campaign that
involves genetic engineering.
You might wonder how I come to
these conclusions, after I point out that I
don't use heroin regularly. Well, you
don't often see overweight truckers
strutting down the beach in a french-cut
thong bikini, chewing tobacco, drinking
beer and scratching themselves. (I think
that if we could find an overweight
trucker to do this we might finally be
able to scare all those beached whales
back into the ocean.) You also don't often
see Mother Theresa, the Pope, Ray
Charles or Roseanne Barr wearing
bikinis. Only a certain type of person is
able to make the Bikini Statement,
which is drink lots of beer.
The bikini is designed to sell beer by
totally misrepresenting beer-induced
activities. How often have you seen in a
beer ad a bunch a fat men, naked save for
Speedos and "Kiss My Bass" hats, sitting
around competing to see who can belch
the most words from the national
anthem? The only conclusion one can make is
that bikinis are pieces of dentalfloss arranged
to be attractive to the opposite sex of any
species, including buffalo. The wonderful
thing is none of these physically perfect
goons could drink beer on a regular basis,
because if they did they would stop
looking like swimsuit models and start
looking like Sea Cows. The main activity
in the ads consists of people pouring beer
all over themselves. This is in hope that
the viewer will want to lick the beer off,
after paying for said beer. It works
perfectly, making it an effective fashion
statement.
The second fashion statement that
needs to be examined is the Safe Sex
Fashion Statement. This can be done by

wearing a suit of armor out to a singles
bar. This fashion statement says that not
only are you going to practice extremely
safe sex, but you would also be able to
protect a prospective partner from any
fire-breathing dragons or fat truckers in
bikinis who might intrude.
Public Fashion Statements often
meet with the dreaded Fashion
Philistines, which can cause problems. I
thought the waiter was very rude when
he refused to serve me fish because I was
naked and stoned. This prejudice has
always confused me, as the food they
serve is usually not only nude but
thoroughly baked and no one cares.
Making fruit fashion statements is
currently vogue, because of its bright
body colors and sporing possibilities. It is
perfectly legitimate to spit seeds on
people as they walk by. Needless to say,
a naked man covered in red body paint
mumbling "Don't gripe, by propagating
my gene pool I make that silly oxygen
you breathe" while spitting seeds at
customers in a mall when they walk by is
a great curiosity for most people. They
usually confuse me with a Calvin Klein
commercial and spray me with Obsession
until I go away. Other times people
confuse me with one of the Fruit of the
Loom guys hitting hard times.
The Meat Fashion Statement poses a
much steeper challenge. I usually notice
people never remember steak comes
from cows, as in this piece of meat,
shortly before consumption, had sex, shat
and bit a farmer. I like to help people
make this connection with fashion
statements to illustrate these activities. It
is important to enlist the aid of a farmer
who is tripping on acid as a fashion
accessory, as when you bite him he won't
notice if you amaze him by holding a
swath of plaid cloth in front of his face. If
people question why you defecate in a
public place just tell them you work for
the government and have decided to be
open about it. As for the sex part of the
fashion statement, it is difficult to find a
willing cow. Ihowever, if you are
tenacious and ask nicely in a rough farm
neighborhood you can usually find some
pretty wild cows willing to try anything
once, as long as it doesn't involve leather.
The most important fashion
statement of all is I Wish To Breed.
People go to all sorts of extremes to
appear attractive to the opposite sex.

You and Me

One time during my ten-minute stint as
a salesman for Macy's a woman came up
and asked me if a certain outfit was sexy.
I said yes, but that I would like her
better if she were naked. She not only hit
me in the head with a cash register -
which was not standard sales procedure,
mind you - she also refused to give me
her phone number. She obviously was
confused by the I Wish To Breed
Fashion Statement.
Political Fashion Statements are
always in vogue, as illustrated by the
Armadillo Fashion Statement. Armadillos
are constructed in such a way that when
they urinate they inadvertently score a
direct hit all over their feet. This has
prompted many groups to make fashion
statements specifically about the plight
of the armadillo which involve
splashguards, bedpans, and certain kinky
members of Congress namely Ted
Kennedy. This hot new fashion has also
prompted a new phrase for urinating on
yourself-- "I feel like an Armadillo," as
opposed to the phase it displaced, "I feel
like Dan Quayle."
The Ultimate Man Fashion
Statement is my personal favorite. In this
statement, one does not need even to
wear clothes and can do away with the
whole concept of fashion. This statement
is is made when a man walks about
completely naked attempting to see if
anyone notices. For men with a great
deal of body hair it can be dangerous, in
that you could be mistaken for a bear and
get shot by a blind hunter. For those
without body hair the problem is people
think they are from the Sixties and are
very lost. The key to this statement is
that one must have the self-confidence to
completely deny one's blatant nakedness
before interested parties, such as
potential employers, Oprah, and Jesse
H elms.
The next fashion statement I will
present is a slight change to the Ultimate
Man Statement. In this fashion, the
desired outfit is tattooed over one's
entire body. This can be very painful if
one chooses a plaid outfit, but does save
money on laundry and lint brushes.
The last fashion statement is the Holy
Shit I've Got Five Minutes To Practice
Personal Hygiene And Get To Class, but
since this is predominantly done by
sloth-like college types I will let you
investigate on your own.

___

v A T

IU

r -

i

SPRING FASHION ISSUE
Featuring
Brad Bernatek (Opinion Page Refugee)
Craig Linne
Sketchpad by F. Zinn
The Weekend List
Fashion Issue Coordinator
Erica Kohnke
Fashion Models
The Seniors
Sunita Baruah
Lisa DeBoer
Steve Karageanes
Scott Severence
Cristen Velliky
Brenda Womble
Simon Wright
The Juniors
Amy Fant
Shellie Raczok
Amy Spade
Kirk Taylor
The Sophomores
Kendell Johnson
Darnell Jones
Elizabeth Ku
Carrie Pittman
The First-years
Chuck Babinger
Maya Davis
Gregory Everett
Cover photo by Jose Juarez

1

,

Conservative Fashion: The Wave of

the Past, Present and Future

S

by Brad Bernatek
Guest Columnist
Some things change... and yet most
things remain the same. Aesthetically,
the last 30 years have proven to be the
death of everyday fashion. The Sixties
brought us y
sandals and
beads; the
Seventies
nausea, clear
and simple; and
the Eighties,
while seeing a
conservative §
revolution,
were generally
just as bad
(remember §
parachute §
pants?). §
Amidst §
these revolting
attacks upon
the
sensibilities, a 3
small yet
devoted group
has persevered
amidst the
polyester
leisure suit, the d o
Nikes, Adidas, §
and all the rest
True &
conservative Brad Bematek I
fashion. Harking Daily, while ch
back to a time Street Journal.
when parents
taught their children more about fashion
than which shoe goes on which foot, a
conservative knows that one's shoes
should be darker than one's hemline.
Now, before I am condemned as an
elitist, let me say conservative fashion
cannot be considered an elitist fashion,
unless sensibility has suddenly become
elitist. Conservative fashion is not

are about as exciting as the Michigan
Review.
Style is another important factor and
is deserving of much discussion. A true
conservative seeks to expand the variety
and versatility of the wardrobe. While
red leather pants might be an exciting
deviation from the norm, they don't go

to the ankle. Also, a blue-striped
turtleneck is a must.
When considering fabrics, go with
natural fibers all the way. Synthetic
fibers are unnatural, ecologically
dangerous, and besides, they don't wear
well. Aside from fitness wear, even the
Madison Ave. morons have avoided overt
use of synthetics and
have resorted to more
devious methods:
blends. (Let's make it
§ look natural, but it
§ ain't!) Synthetic
§ blends pill and wear
about as well as their
pure-bred cousins. A
blend doesn't need to
be ironed as much -
so what? In the
evermore complex
world we live in,
ironing is a pretty
straightforward
procedure. On the
whole, go with wool
and cotton.
§ Conservative
§ fashion is not not a
difficult or elitist
concept. In fact, it's
much simpler than
trying to dovetail neon
green with fluorescent
§ orange. It certainly can
'cost less than a pair of
Air Jordans and a
couple pair of Guess?
Wall jeans. In fact, a
conservative wardrobe
is timeless; indeed, it
is wearable throughout the years. The
trendy junk passed off as the latest is
here today, gone tonight. Trying to keep
up with such novelties will leave you
broke and in the mall every week.
Some things change... and yet most
things remain the same. Since the end of
World War II, clothing, mass-produced
and trendy, has dominated the American

0
0

i

Weekend Editor-Gil Renberg
Weekend Associate Editor-Josephine Ballenger
Editorial Assistant-Erica Kohnke
Weekend Arts Editor-Tony Silber
Cartoonist-Fred Zinn
Food Consultants-Noah Finkel, Eric Lemont
Columnists-Jonathan Chait, Scott Chupack, Mike Gill,
Larry Hu, Craig Linne, Jesse Walker
Business Manager-Dionne E. Webster
Special Sections Coordinator-Nancy Sagar
Sales Manager-Lisa Greenberg

poses in his famous turtleneck before the

ecking his conservative interests in the
Photo by Jennifer Dunetz.
well with an oxford. For the minimum
cost one should try to maximize
versatility, thereby creating more
combinations from a smaller wardrobe.
One should avoid large omnipresent
labels at all cost - Polo being no
exception. In fact, I consider Polo as the
arena of the rich, white, brain-lacking
trash who pay three times as much as is

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