0

0.

said.


happen in off-shore drilling sites
in the Gulf of Mexico and off the
coast of Alaska.
"The U.S. is not at the end of the,
the rope by any means. That ten-
year figure... it isn't like we're
going to run out of oil here in ten
years, because we constantly find
more. So that number basically
stays at 10 years. It's been at ten
years, I think, almost as long as
I've been in the energy business -
that's fifteen years now," Trench
said.
Saudi Arabia, she added, has a
reserve-to-production ratio of
more than one hundred years.
Since the importance of
Middle Eastern oil is likely to
increase in coming years, some
people believe the best way to
alleviate this dependence is to find
alternate sources of energy.
"The fact is that it's probably
time we started looking into
alternatives to oil. You want to
rid Saddam Hussein of all his
power... stop using oil," Dolgon
said.
Other sources include nuclear
power, solar power, coal and
natural gas.
"Most large industrial plants
and every utility I can think of
are what's called 'dual fueled' -
they'll burn, for example, natural
gas until the peak heating season.
Then those... supplies are cut off
because the gas company is
required by law to serve
residencies and hospitals first.

Lunch in the Ruins

The 1992 World Fair was
postponed indefinitely shortly
after the conclusion of the Gulf
Crisis, when the president of the
United States, feeling a bout of
nostalgia for the Cold War,
dropped several nuclear bombs
on the Union of Soviet Socialist
Republics.
From each according to his
abilities, to each according to his
needs," muttered Mikhail
WALKER Gorbachev as he responded by
delivering the entire nuclear
stockpile of the Soviet Union to the Americas. Feeling that
it was now socially acceptable to retaliate against Iraq,
Israel followed suit by bombing the entire Mesopotamian
region out of sight. South Africa dropped some nukes on
its neighbors to make the world safe for democracy, or
something like that. China made sure that Vietnam would
stay out of Cambodia - forever. Pakistan and India wiped
each other off the map, and took most of the rest of
southern Asia with them. France fired off a few missiles,
too, just to be difficult, and Great Britain shot off a couple
itself, only to see them land right back where they had
been launched from.
Approximately two hours and thirty-five minutes after
all of this, the ozone layer disappeared. A peace activist

called up his buddy in the Sierra Club to collect on a bet,
but no one was home.
Actually, there was a lot of that going around.
Then a whole bunch of dust rose up and blotted out the
sun for about a century or so, putting the planet through a
nuclear winter. Nobody, I mean nobody, got through that
one. The ice caps boiled over, the oceans rose... ooh, you
wouldn't have wanted to see it. You're lucky. Really.
So anyway, there was our planet just sitting there,
boiling away, when, all of the sudden, along came an
enormous interstellar starship, inhabited by green-skinned,
pointy-eared aliens with Italian names. On the ship's
bridge; Captain Benito turned to First Mate Tringali and
said, in flawless Centaurian, "Behold! A new world,
perfectly suited to support our form of life! Our 2000-year
search for a new home has ended! Giovani! Prepare the
gene banks! Our odyssey is complete!" And so on. If
you've read any old pulp fiction, you get the idea.
So they landed, and what should they see before them
but an enormous statue of a lady with her arm
outstretched, holding a torch. Beneath her, there was an
inscription. Benito immediately summoned his translator,
Benvenuto, to his side.
"Translate this!" he commanded.
Using his Amazing Translating Machine, Benvenuto
quickly deciphered the message: "Give me your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breath free."
He glanced up at Benito. "I think that means us," he

"It must have been a
inscription," muttered G
His companions nodc
"And look!" he contin
to last a whole century! V
sure starved." And with
"Delicious," he murr
he bit off another piece.
So did everyone else. So
the Statue of Liberty.
"What a great bunch
all this food for us. What
there wasn't any life on c
have thanked them."
"I wonder where the'
"I don't know, but wl
must be happy. These p
should name this planet
At this point the read
in addition to being poir
absolutely nowhere. I an
concluding, I will leave o
authority figure's reques
about George Bush for a
George Bush is one n
real neat. He must be th
since Millard Fillmore. V
you've gotta love the gu
Give the White House
say to the operator, "You
of a job. One hell of a job
hell of a job. He's all right


Well heads burn in the Al Wafra oilfield in Kuwait (see map). The APhoto
facilities are run by Texaco and Getty Oil.
Arabia Burning

Bob Barker Deserves Super
Bowl-style Party

A protestor in Washington DC last weekend calls out for peace in the
Middle East. MICHELLE GUY/Daily

Acfiai SpcitYkr
SHORTS
with
GREEK
LETTERING
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663-6771
419 E. Liberty
2 BLOCKS OFF STATE ST.

Those are high-priority users,"
West said.
"The transportation sector is
the biggest user of oil.
Transportation accounts for
about 60% of oil consumption
and most of it to make gasoline,"

jet fuel. They have no substitute
for that. So airlines would be
absolutely hard hit. Of course,
they're hard hit now by the war
scare. People are a little leery of
certain international travel,"
West said.

'The fact is that it's probably time we started
looking into alternatives to oil. You want to rid
Saddam Hussein of all his power... stop using oil.'
-Corey Dolgon,
MSA Representative

Recent oil well fires in
Kuwait, believed to be set by
Iraqi forces, have flared more
than just the tempers of the
defunct Kuwaiti government.
Environmentalists are
concerned about the damage
these fires can inflict because
extinguishing them is no
ordinary task.
"It can take months to put
these things out," said Cheryl
Trench, executive vice president
of the Petroleum Industry
Research Foundation, Inc.
"And while it's burning," she
continued, "it's also burning
hypercarbons from the reservoir,
which changes the pressure in
the reservoir. It's not the same as
saying it burns up all the oil
down there. It doesn't do that. It
does, however, change the
producing characteristics of the
reservoir."
Saudi Arabian oilfields,
Trench said, are equipped with

shutdown valves that respond to
sudden changes in pressure, that
usually result from explosions.
As a result, she said, the wells
would have to be mined from
underneath the valves.
"It's a lot harder deal than
just setting off a bomb. It also
means that you can't go over and
bomb them," Trench said.
According to Jim West, News
Editor of the Oil & Gas Journal,
only the off-shore wells in the
United States are required to
have such valves in case a
passing ship accidentally shears
off the well-heads.
There are often between 20
and 60 well-heads together on a
platform, he said. "And you get
all of those blowing at one time,
you've really got a problem. So
the Management Service requires
installation of shut-down valves
- but that's just off-shore. I
know of no requirements on-
shore anywhere for such
valves," West said.

said Eli Bergman, Executive
Director of Americans for EnergyN
Independence. .I
The transportation industry1
would also be the hardest hit ifc
there were a large economic
disruption, something many war
proponents believe could happen1
if Saddam gained more control.
"Airlines - they burn kerosene

The effects of such a recession
weighed against the effects of the
war ultimately return to the
basic question: does blood equal
oil?
"Maybe Hussein's done,
maybe he's not," said Scott
Rogers, an economic analyst
with DRI/McGraw-Hill. "If he's
not done and we do nothing,
(Kuwaitis) keep dying. If we go in
and do what we're going now as a
country, then maybe those people
don't die but someone else does die.
If we didn't do anything - never
sent troops over there - and
Hussein got control of all of the
oil, and he caused oil prices to
rise... well, there's going to be
somebody in New England who
freezes to death because they
couldn't pay their oil bill. Now
they're not supposed to get shut
off, but in the '75, '79 and '80

Some people think that being
a sports writer means you stay
home and watch sports on
television all day.
Wrong.
Or at least not in this case. I
watch a minimal amount of sports
on TV. Sunday's Super Bowl was
the first of the big ones I've
watched in three years. And
despite the fact that it ended up
being a "pretty good game," the
X x. Silver Anniversary match-up
simply became a distraction in my
house. At least I could hardly hear Al Michaels' soprano. Had
you been there, you would have heard enthralling
conversation like:
Person A: "I'm hungry. Let's order pizza."
Me: "Everyone want pizza?"
Everyone else: (complete silence).
Person B: "Yo, who's shuffling?"
Me: "Yeah, who's shuffling?"
Person A: "I'm hungry."
Person C: "Hey, the pitcher's empty. Someone go to the
keg."
Person A: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Okay, really, does everyone want to order pizza?"
Person D: "Let's have a drink for the troops over in
Saudiland."
Person E: "Hey Gill, some guy just puked and it's all over
the floor by the bathroom."
Person B: "I just can't wait for New Kids On the Block at
halftime."
Person C: "Yo, we got the beer, can we get this game
going (meaning the card game, not the Super Bowl)?"
Person D: "Hey, anyone catch the last Bud Bowl score?"
Me: "Hey, wait a minute, what is the score?"

Person A. "I'm hungry."
In other words, as in any non-New York household, the
game at my house was just a reason to complain about not
having the proper amount of food in one's stomach. The
Super Bowl is an event to set other plans around. You plan a
party, watch the game, catch the score, and have a good time.
Now, getting back to the point about watching sports on
TV. I'll watch a Red Wing game occasionally, a Tiger game
too, maybe a little of the Pistons and Lions - but that's
about it.
I've never watched some of those mind-numbing ESPN
shows: the sand volleyball championships, Uncle Homer's
Bowling Tips, Handy Hucks Shooting Range or the whole
bit.
Yet if you open your handy dandy big city sports pages,
they'll be included. Somewhere there will be a a little tiny
paragraph saying, "Bob Horseshoes won the $20 Coors-
Miller-Stroh's-and everyotherbeeryoucanname Open in
Washbucking, Wisconsin."
I became a better person knowing that, of course. It also
improved the human condition - or at least Bob
Horseshoes'.
What I really want to know is why they don't cover the
best sport on TV other than baseball and hockey: The Price
is Right.
Is there a better sport on TV than the game show with the
oldest host? Of course not. The drama, the intrigue, the
suspense - all packed into an hour. I like to know what
happens on the show daily. Did Bob Barker sink his practice
putt in the golf game today? Did anyone fall down, drop their
pants, win some really big bucks? Where's the boxscore?
Where is the story? I've searched the fine print. I can
honestly tell you that Popawheelie was picked to show at
Northville Downs recently in the Ilth race.
Who cares? I can tell you that recently the perfecta paid
$60.20 at Windsor Raceway. But if I miss Bob and Barker's

Beauties, I have no clue a
Chances." And there is su,
kind of knowledge.
Here is an example of
HOLLYWOOD, CA
of images for Mary from N
schoolteacher, vacationed
and accidently stumbled
Lucky for her. Mary le
complete prize package to
winner in front of 600 scre
television network.
"I can't believe it," sh
reminded the crowd to sp
control the pet populatior
clothes yelled 'Come On
old square dancing classes
would call out there. And
home in Reno."
To reach the Showcas
both Doug from Los Ang
duel between Doug and I
for a low $.65, Mary had t
However, Doug lost by jt
wheel, going just over the
"That's nature," Doug
To make the spinoff, I
but lost out on a new car.
Mary made it to the st
strategy. After everyone b
ridiculous amount for a w
she bid $1. Actual retail p
And the honeymoon o
So there you have it. T
alright - make no mistak
hand. Cheering, encourag
involves luck, some skill.
I just wish there was a
And when will there b
of the best.
I'm going to order piz:
distracted.


recessions, there were people who,
because of high oil prices, would
die.
"The people get marginalized,
they're very hard to see. They

don't come home in bodybags,
but they die nonetheless... To ask
if it's worth it means you have to
start putting a loaded value on
people's lives, and that's a very
difficult thing to do," Rogers said.


noon


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