T HE MI CH IGA N D A ILY
Monday, February 9, 1953
.. ...... , . . ...- , tr .
THIS I CONCEIVE:/
Bundling DameAN AMERICAN'S
OvercomesbylTREWARD: DEATH
EDITORt'S NOTE; In cnjuncttian wth the lecture seres "Ths I Cnceive"
The Daily is propositioning statements of pre-natal experience from promi-
nent members of the University Rhythm Group.
Diane Spiritual is a prominent members of the University Ryhthm By SAM OBITUARY
Group and president of Sortabored, senior women's bundling society. Herr Slander Von Zollander is
By DIANE SPIRITUAL dead.
In our world of foregone pasts and coming futures, looking for The free world was shocked and
something tangible to conceive-to grasp' that which is firm and electrified at 6:53 a.m. today to
strong and pulsating, to fill the aching void, we are again turning learn the tall, lanky anti-Com-
to It. munist crusader died quietly in
In answer to those who point to strife, suffering, starvation hos- his summer home on E. William r
tilities, pain, want, fear, despair, cowardice, ugliness and downright C o t c
bad manners which permeate/the earth, one ,need only enumerate Cause of death was called
the joys and raptures of a glowing sunset painting the deep blue sea heart failure by Coroner Edward
with daring strokes of blushing pInk and globs of golden sunbeams; Ramshorn. However, local
inacoPolice were investigating pu-
of endless fields of feathery wheat stalks, undulating lazily in a cool, sible foul play An eight-inch
heaven-sent breeze; healthy, happy, chortling, bronzed babies, drool- knife was found buried in the
ing rich, beige pablum on their snowy, white bibs, small of Von Zollander's large
The list concludes with: the grace and precision of a nerve- back. The accompanying note ,'
taut athlete braced for flight, poised for the attack or the defense, read: "I hate you." i
girded for the battle; charity, hope, patience, wisdom, knowledge, Detective Sgt. Clawed Bowles
money, sex. told reporters if evidence of mur-
I appreciate it, not just in a mechanical way but more perhaps der turned up, he was sure the
in ways which are obvious at the moment only to me. I am numbed motive had already been discov-
in It's rhythmic splendor and in man's creative strength. I begin my ered. As newsmen scratched their THE LATE HER VON ZOLLANDER
week with It in the sanctity of my room and hold It in my day to bald heads, Bowles winked know- The great patriot at his desk, taking information
day activity in every way throughout the week. I have never met an ingly at the crumpled piece of from a minor mistress, Madame Ana Pauker.
individual from whom I could not learn something and I must admit, paper.
I've been told I'm pretty good. FUNERAL services for the hard- lemon coke with the decpased at Berra and Marilyn Monroe in his
Yes, it is in conception that one may truly conceive, breathing journalit will not be 2:36 a.m. today, spacious bedroom.
There are no survivors. None of the other occupants of Von Zollander came to the
Von Zollander, who first dis- the Von Zollander residence saw University several years ago,
tanguished himself in the On- the Irish-born snooper this morn- friends say. University officials
tingishd hmsel intheOn-ing. A local economist, Edvad
Coming SOOn a . a, report his name was kept off
best known for his recent series ing srea claimed r heard al ear- enrollment records for security
The Student Players' production of articles which laid bare col- ng scream from on's living qua- reasons. He left the Party sev-
of Philip Barry's lege Bolsheviks. ters 6:53 a.m. but continued on eral hours before his series be-
His exposes were hailed by Sen. * * * gan.
" e Philadelphia Story" Joseph R. Bergen (Dinosaur-Wis.) DISCOVERY of the body was President Scratcher received the
as "one of the most solidly docu- executed by Omar Kadiddle, well- news of Von Zollander's demise
mented pieces of Americanism I known yellow traveler, who called with mixed emotions early this
'A gay and sagacious comedy"-N. Y. Times have ever ... " police immediately after his morning. "In a way it's good," he
Sen. Charles Plotter (GM- achievement. laughed, and then with a slight
February 18, 19, 20, 21 . .. 8:00 P.M. Mich.) had cited Von Zollander on Although Kadiddle's finger- catch in his throat continued,
the floor of the Senate as "a prints were on the knife, he "but in a way it's bad."
Tickets 75c and 1.00 truly great American ... the kind claimed he was trying to ex- . * *
Box Office opens Feb. 6 tf man who makes upsn.vi want tract the instrument from the DAILY MANAGING Editor Mer-
Be'.dying man but couldn't because win Dung and City Editor Tubby
LAST PERSON to see Von Zol- of a huge, sickle-shaped barb. Cannibal echoed the president's
Lydia Mendelssohn Theater Lander ive was V erie VSrp Kadiddle said he went into the sentiments in unison; "He was a
. S house to borrow some butter. He beastly thing, but we hate Com-
Grad., self-styled parlor pink and was released after questioning: munists."
cloud-kisser, who allegedly had a Slander Von Zollander was born
on Christmas Day, 1931 His Meanwhile, in Washington, a
frinds at The Daily referred to hite House spokesman revealed
him as "Jesus Christ" or . jst that Von Zollander was scheduled
himnas"Jesu Chisto appear before Congressional
*a JC, Red-hunters as star witness but
A A h h -pressure from the AMA scratched
P~tu~c .~eh te' j4AFTER A stretch in the refom-
atory for pre-mature birth, he his name from the roster.
started work as a newsboy at the The high source said the AMA
age of five. and the nation's chief executive,
He joined the Communist Par- who refused to be identified, were
ty's youth movement three years worried about Von Zollander's per-
later and was active in the Honest sonal health. Police immediately
Abe Brigade during the Spanish wired the president this morning
Revolting. He had a large bust of that there was little future cause
Abe next to those of Lenin, Yogi for worry.
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