Monday, February 9, 1953
Hot Fei
AEC Moves
To Prevent
atastrophe
Soapy Succumbs
To Deadly Piles
By JEAN BOLSHOI
Hordes of workmen arrived by
airlift from the Virgin Islands to-
day to begin erection of a radio-
taetivity-proof lead wall around
,e campus ordered by Atomic
:nergy Commission officials to
rotect the student population
rom mass sterility.
Source of the deadly radiation
eems to lie in the mounds of cow
anure used to fertilize campus
hrubs and bushes.
Efforts to dissipate the deadly
adiations by turning under the
suspect clods failed yesterday,
when SL Boss Soapy Willens,
shoveling mightily, collapsed in a
heap. No one has dared to drag
him out.
Prof. Anton Dzwytchski, of
the nuclear physics department,
nervously running an acid-
siained hand through his grey-
ing hair laughed grimly as he
pointed out the irony of the
situation in the terse comment,
"It both fertilizes and sterilizes."
The big stink blew up early
esterday evening when a char-
woman, Fawada McGuire, report-
ng for work at the University's
Atomic Energy Research lab found
white-coated lab technician
lumped over a work bench cov-
red with sheaves of paper full of
athematical calculations.
IMMEDIATE investigation by
he bosomy charwoman revealed
that the lab assistant (his name
is withheld for security reasons)
conked out after the 169th at-
tempt to unravel data from the
bank of radiation devices clicking
'ipsychotically in front of him.
Meanwhile, smelling sabotage,
University President Handy
Scratcher acted with alacrity
calling for a full dress investi-
gation of the matter by the
Lecture Committee. "The Com-
mittee will use kid gloves in
handling the matter," Scratcher
said.
In a 169 page report published
three hours later the Committee
came up with the startling pro-
nouncement that "radio-active ex-
crement of kine used to fertilize
plantings around the lab had
caused the erratic behavior of the
machines."
ASKED TO comment on the
committee's report Prof. Smirna
'Hikksos chairman of the commit-
tee said, "Somebody's slinging it."
Going on to amplify his statement
the 63 year old professor of Ptole-
maie geography hinted that he
wouldnt be surprised if certain
froups on campus hadn't been
avmg it since a certain political
ally in a certain Ann Arbor park

t fall.
When reached for comment
in his plush suite at 2:30 a.m.
today, Basil Jelke, the Univer-
ity's Procurer of Mainure, of-
fered an explanation as to the
rigin of the particular organic
ertilizer involved,
According to Jelke the substan-
rd slop was purchased by the
niversity from an independent
oducer.
Blushing, the balding Jelke said
had no idea where the manure
ddler hailed from, but admitted
at the peddler had tried to sell
some dirty pictures on the
e.
Latest reports indicated that as
ams of University and city in-
stigators dug further into the
atter more and more evidence
s piling up.

THE MICHIGAN DA I LY Page Seven
rtilizer Threatens U Fertility
Best hes54
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THE CAM-BROOK

SEMPER PARATUS-SL Boss Soapy Willens braved all odds
yesterday to shovel radioactive manure. Egging him on is 'U'
tycoon J. Morgan Pierpont.


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